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Original poster

MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

466 replies

cj2796 · 11/07/2024 09:08

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

OP posts:
Buffs · 16/07/2024 00:28

She’s not trying to give you a break, she’s harassing you.

Ivymom · 15/07/2024 22:59

Stop replying to MIL. Don’t answer any calls from her. It’s time to sort this with your husband. The first thing you need to tell your husband is that MIL is actively coming between you and him and causing strife in your marriage. It doesn’t matter what he thinks her intentions are. The results of her actions are what matters. He needs to acknowledge this and then he needs to handle it. I would ask him to attend marriage counseling and only discuss MIL in counseling.

He needs to send her a message telling her to quit badgering you for babysitting. He needs to tell her to stop saying disparaging things about you and stop the comments about what will happen if you guys divorce. She is going at least ruin the relationship between you and her. If things keep on, she is going to ruin your marriage. He needs to remember that he made vows to you and he needs to put your needs before MIL’s wants.

Bohranbiddy · 15/07/2024 22:47

Your MIL is happily causing tension in your family, cut her out of the equation she doesn't get to say what she wants to do with your child. I would ignore her nonsense as no matter what you offer it will never be enough.

BuggeryBumFlaps · 15/07/2024 22:38

I think I'd risk rocking the boat now.

I'd happily send a text along the lines of 'mil, I've been nothing but polite and accommodating towards you and your wish to spend time with dd, I've offered you opportunities to babysit which you've ignored. We've had a conversation today about this, where I've made myself very clear, so I'm unsure as to why you feel you need to try and change my mind by speaking to dh. You know that I've taken x day off to spend it with my dd, which is what I intend to do, you've had your time raising children so I'm sure you will appreciate that this is my time to be a mother. I said previously, if I want some time to myself, you'll be the first to know. Please stop pressurising me either directly, or indirectly via dh as this will cause a relationship breakdown between you and I.

I'd also copy in your dh so he's in no uncertain terms just how pissed off you are. Some hard and fast boundaries need to be put in place as she's obviously not getting it:

TomatoSandwiches · 15/07/2024 22:36

Keep repeating " thanks I'll let you know when I need help. "

Just keep repeating it back, they will either get fed up and give up or become more unhinged and push harder which ( if you keep calm ) you can point out how bizzare her behaviour is.

I would go back to therapy with your DP because he is a bigger problem and becoming a flying monkey for his mother, he needs to understand how insidious this behaviour ( both him and hers ) is to your relationship.

What's best for your DD is to be with you, what's best for your DD is to have a happy , intact immediate family.... your MIL is threatening to take that away from her for her own selfish desire to play dolly with your baby.

ZebraD · 15/07/2024 22:22

IE when she said she wants to babysit sometime, you say thanks so much, that’s really kind, I’ll let you know when is best. And just don’t.

ZebraD · 15/07/2024 22:21

That should say I wouldn’t explain myself…apologies.

Original poster
cj2796 · 15/07/2024 22:16

ZebraD · 15/07/2024 22:10

I would explain yourself. You are inviting an argument.
just thank her graciously and that you will let her know when you need help.
say anything and it will get twisted…just like it has.
for now though…ask your husband if he should make the arrangements being as though every conversation you have with her is run by him afterwards…ask him why.

I've tried to be gracious so many times... I just snapped... I do live for my DD though.

And I have let my MIL babysit too, I just don't want a set weekly thing- especially my day off!

I haven't even said no that's what has annoyed me, I just haven't agreed to her preferred schedule.

I am starting to worry there is an agenda otherwise why would she be pushing this so hard, or is this normal for some MIL?

OP posts:
ZebraD · 15/07/2024 22:10

I would explain yourself. You are inviting an argument.
just thank her graciously and that you will let her know when you need help.
say anything and it will get twisted…just like it has.
for now though…ask your husband if he should make the arrangements being as though every conversation you have with her is run by him afterwards…ask him why.

Sunnydiary · 15/07/2024 22:05

FFS! You definitely have a DP problem.

I would try the broken record technique with him. “Nope. Not gonna happen, not discussing it further.”

And just avoid contact with her.

Original poster
cj2796 · 15/07/2024 22:03

MIL has messaged me again and offered to babysit anytime and says that she just wants to give me a break.

I politely said thank you and there will be plenty of time for babysitting in future, and that I’m still adjusting to return to work and being away from DD.

She then said again that she just really wants to help and give me a break.

I said “I don’t need a break atm, I live for DD. But I’ll let you know when/if I do”

I guess I just broke after being repeatedly pushed but I don’t think I’ve been rude.

Well she’s gone straight to DP and said that I need to stop thinking of how much I will miss DD, and think of what is best for DD.

DP says that I’m thinking too negatively and his mum just wants to “help” and I need to think about how great it could be for me to have some “time alone”.

I’m really annoyed now.

OP posts:
Thursdaygirl · 15/07/2024 13:44

Welshmonster · 15/07/2024 10:32

Grandparents rights are not an automatic right and would need a court order.

So if the parents separate, obviously they would share the care in some way, but surely you wouldn't end up with something like 50/40/10 for Mum/Dad/GPs??

I don't know how far a court would go, giving grandparents court-ordered access, sounds like a minefield?

Phoenixfire1988 · 15/07/2024 13:38

Your baby not hers she has had her children you are allowed to be 'selfish' and want to spend time with baby she isn't entitled to the time you have with your baby

RebeccaRedhat · 15/07/2024 13:15

TemuSpecialBuy · 11/07/2024 09:20

tldr
I wouldn’t get hung up on “winning” I’d focus on getting the outcome that works best for you irrespective of it also benefiting her

I’m in the that doesn’t work for me camp…

BUT you could make an offer that works for you that if she declines puts you in the position of have tried and if she accepts makes your life easier

so…
“Fridays don’t work but if you are welcome to come to ours at 9am Saturday and play with baby while I take Jack and Tilly to gymnastics. You can play with baby until lunch we can eat and then when baby goes down you can enjoy the rest of your Saturday (ie get out of my house)

or some variation.
this makes her do the travel as she should and gives you some quality time with alll the kids

.

This is what I was thinking too. Maybe some weekend support when it is much easier to leave the baby at home whilst you run around with the older ones.

Harry12345 · 15/07/2024 12:20

The fact your dh is more concerned with appeasing his mum is the problem, you must feel ganged up on, don’t let them gas light you, she needs told to fuck off! Her mentioning the splitting up thing is shocking

Mamasperspective · 15/07/2024 11:03

You can't be selfish with YOUR OWN baby because nobody else is entitled to your baby. Tell DH that if she wants to see baby, she's welcome to switch her working days and come and see LO but LO will not be going on a 4 hour round trip just to see MIL for the day, that's not fair on ANY child ... 4 hours seems a lot longer for child than it does for an adult. Just tell DH it's not going to happen and in future let him deal with her and you step back from communication. She's had her kids years ago, there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend quality time with your own child.

side note - I would let DH know that if you were to split up, you still wouldn't be changing your day off so MIL would STILL not see LO on that day and point out to him that it was a very toxic statement for his mother to make ... with a comment like that, she sounds like she would be better off spending her day off polishing her broomstick

Welshmonster · 15/07/2024 10:32

Grandparents rights are not an automatic right and would need a court order.

Northernladdette · 15/07/2024 08:04

I’m not sure why you’re even giving this any thought. You sound very sweet and it’s admirable you’re trying to consider her feelings but what she wants just isn’t practical. Kindly thank her for the offer and enjoy your little one xx

Nutmeg1204 · 15/07/2024 06:40

How ridiculous

your day off is there to spend with your child, not to ferry them to MIL’s

if MIL wants to see them more often this needs to be arranged with DP at the weekends, unless you request help in the week

the woman sounds crazy and DP sounds like a classic man who doesn’t want to upset his mummy

I would leave the topic alone until it’s approached again then just say no, perhaps she would like to meet up once a month where she drives to you for a couple of hours to HELP with the baby and family not spend time with them for her own benefit

3luckystars · 13/07/2024 11:13

If she is a first time grandparent then show her what that means in your family. You are the mom. You are the parent, if she wants to ‘help’ then that must help you, not her.

The way you write your posts makes me think that it wouldn’t bother you too much if you split up with your partner. If this is the case then, be careful what you put in writing to your mil, and I would only allow mil to look after your child in your house. A small child doesn’t need to be doing those long journeys.

Good luck.

bellocchild · 13/07/2024 10:36

If your MIL wants to spend her day off with her grandchild, suggest she comes over to you once a month? If she doesn't drive, she could try a bus or train. If she doesn't fancy a 2-hour journey there and back, you can point out that neither do you or the baby...

DiduAye · 13/07/2024 10:26

You are trying too hard to keep the peace with people who will always make life difficult with their unreasonable behaviour Do what suits you and your family

Original poster
cj2796 · 13/07/2024 10:22

Also, my DP has apologised and said his mother is overstepping, that he was just trying to make suggestions and smooth things over in the heat of the moment and he can see how they aren't practical at all.
He also thinks ad-hoc childcare is fine, we can ask his mother when need be for the odd day, he thinks every week is strange and too much, too much travelling for DD too.

He thinks his mother has just got over excited and overstepped the boundaries.

I kinda saw this coming for a while as I knew she was buying baby things for her house and I did think "why?" We hardly ever go there...

OP posts:
Original poster
cj2796 · 13/07/2024 10:20

To those that have asked, we do have a cohabitation agreement. He also has his own house (2 in fact, one is an investment property). He's not sponging on me.
He pays half of everything even though he's not here a lot of the time...
It made sense to set up home here due to my older children etc. long term plan was to sell his main house and mine and get a bigger house together. Just with baby I didn't want the stress of selling and moving right now.
He pays half the nursery costs. Me dropping a day has saved him I guess half a days cost?
I think it all works out okay. He gets a lot more of DDs clothing and things like that as he loves shopping.
But it's definitely something I'll be mindful of.

OP posts:
Original poster
cj2796 · 13/07/2024 10:16

@SitBackAndRewind this is very good advice.

I hate to admit this but there have been times where DP could have cared for or spent time with DD when he's been off work, but he's chosen to do other things.

He does work hard and doesn't get a lot of downtime, is a first time father, I guess maybe I'm making excuses for him... but it is something I'm keeping an eye on. Writing down the schedule is a good idea.

OP posts: