MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

It sounds like her threats are working if you're now missing sleep.
She sounds very toxic.
Just try and sleep tonight and hold your boundary which is perfectly reasonable.
What is selfish is demanding a precious day off a mother that she wants with her own baby. Your baby needs to be with you.

Honestly OP when you post you come across very sensible and reasonable. She is piling on pressure in the guise of offering ‘help’ it is not help if she is pressuring you like this and making you question yourself. She cannot legally take you to court for access to your child so please stop worrying about that.

You do have a DP problem (which I’m sure you know) he should stop telling you the negative stuff his mum is saying. He hasn’t had children before and he is letting her get in his head. So try to stop for a minute and ignore everything mil and DP have said for a second. What is best for your dd?

It is clear to me from your posts that you’re thinking of your DD’s best interests. It is best that she has routine and structure and time with her parents aka you given DP is often away. It is not in her interests to sit in a car for 4 hours a week. At her age it is not in her best interest to be away overnight. At her age it is nonsense that she needs to be away from you to gain confidence. They gain confidence from feeling secure. There is plenty of time as she gets older to have days out with her grandparents and sleepovers. And you have already said your DD spends time at weekends with MIL. This is entirely reasonable.

You are being reasonable, they aren’t. So the focus needs to shift from you questioning whether you are right or not, to how you protect your mental health when you get messages from MIL and comments from DP. Have a look at strategies for how to deal with negativity and pressure from others. You can’t change how MIL acts but you can change your response to her bullshit x

Your baby will still have "confidence" by being at nursery so she's talking rubbish just to get her own way!

She's your baby. You have arranged a work schedule that gives you a day to be with her. Your MiL lives 2 hours drive away - that's not a viable child-minding distance in anyone's book and why should you drive your DD for 4 hours a day? Both MiL and DP are talking arrant nonsense and gaslighting you to do something which is worthless to you, because you will spend 8 hours in the car, presumably, since MiL is saying she wants DD to herself. Where are you going for the time DD is at MiL's? As for suggesting you are being selfish and not doing what is best for DD, the best thing for DD is to spend time with her mum - you.
Point out the stupidity of this idea and then stop discussing it. (DP needs to cut his apron strings btw.)

Tell her the day was cancelled and book your daughter into nursery. She’s not being nice to you so I would not trust her.

Do you think MiL will stop if you give in? That one day will turn into an overnight. And then a weekend. She will feed your child food you say no to and refuse to follow any of your rules. She doesn’t want to help at all, she wants to play at babies with your child and because you are saying no, she’s having a tantrum.

Stay firm. Your day with your baby is precious and don’t give it up. She is your baby not MiLs… and be thankful they live 2 hours away!
Travelling in a car 2 hours each way is not suitable for babies. She is welcome to visit at the weekend but that day is for you and your child.

Stop engaging so much. Stop trying to justify yourself. She is your child not MiLs… and tell your DH that you want no more of this nonsense and MiL talking about you splitting up is deeply offensive. I would also point out that as he works away and trusts you to do all the parenting that he needs to have your back.

I honestly can’t get my head around any normal extended family member arguing their right to see your child on the basis that you might split up with your husband - is she actually OK or in mumsnet fashion - is she on glue??

in these situations many people say you have a DH problem, but he is in the middle and is probably struggling to mediate. You however have all the power here and it is fine to stand up and be heard, in fact she may feel she has some influence because you’re not.

a simple message thanking her for the offer but arrangements have been made to enable you to spend your day off with your child and that she is welcome to visit or join you when convenient. I’d also add that you are finding it challenging that she is continuously suggesting you and dh are going to split and politely ask her to reframe from having that conversation with you or your dh as there are no plans to separate.

sometimes being assertive is what you need to do. Yes it may cause conflict but the other option is not being heard. You need to control this conversation now because it has got totally out of hand.

You're being completely gaslit, please don't let them get into your psyche like this! Don't let it become this complex and deep issue requiring alot of thought, its as simple as a pushy MIL and an unsupportive DH.

In this country grandparents don't have rights unless they've been primary caregivers and even then they have to fight hard. So don't worry.

You need to sit down with your DP and really say what you're feeling, that Fridays are your day with DD and you don't need time off and when you do, its wonderful there are willing people to care for DD. But that the constant pushing is chipping away at the relationship and if it continues you won't feel that MIL is a viable option as she will become a person you don't get on with. And that her coming to him and between you both in the marriage is a very slippery slope.

The feelings he has for his mother and hers for him, you and your DD have so why is that relationship taking precedence over the mother child relationship you have.

I am a MIL and I think that you have done absolutely nothing wrong! I truly dislike this entitled behaviour on the part of older women. Of course you should have a day with your own baby and you have organised childcare accordingly. You are not being unreasonable, your MIL is. If she genuinely wants to help out, then there will be times when your little one is unwell and can't go to nursery. Will your MIL help with this?

Please don’t give in and lose your one day off with your child. You won’t get it back again. It isn’t your MIL’s baby - it’s yours. You are not the problem. Don’t let this selfish self obsessed woman win.

She's very selfish in they way she thinks this would be helpful for you when it's.clearly not. I have to say I read your post from.last night over and over again and I don't think you said anything wrong or were rude. Your dh needs to make it clear to her that you are happy that she's around to.help but that weekly doesn't work, not just for you but for the baby too, and repeat.

What is best for your DD is to have a day a week spending quality time with her Mummy and having a rest after spending 4 days in nursery, not traipsing across the country to appease your MIL, who doesn't give a toss about what is really in your DDs best interest. I'd reply to your partner letting him know DD needs quality time with you and a rest after 4 days in nursery, and that you are not entering into the conversation anymore.

If it were me, I would source a different childcare option for the training day, yes; show no reliance on MIL so you can dislodge this weirdness from your life and start living and being happy again.
You rely on her = she has control.

This persistent attempt to wear you down so you ‘behave’ is nasty, just insidious and nasty. Everything is being done to manipulate you, so it’s totally understandable why you feel at this point like you should just give in for a peaceful life. When we’re only hearing negative comments or passive aggressive comments or manipulative comments we are going to doubt ourselves eventually. This is the aim of the manipulator.

Maybe go back to that really great “Helpful To…” list post from a PP. Read it through and hold the words tight. And tell yourself “I have nothing further to add to this discussion. It’s okay to have a different opinion to MIL. I’m going to do what is best for me and DC”.

Then don’t message her for as long as possible. Just put her away and out of your head for a bit. Tell your DH your decision is made, you’d appreciate his support but understand he might be conflicted and want to appease his mum, but your decision and work life balance is final…

Your MIL is well inside your head; it’ll take a bit to shake her out and realise you’re in there too. Stick to your values and your balance of work and family life. You sound awesome and strong despite this barrage of control from MIL. Really wish you happiness.

God you poor thing
No you aren't depriving your child.
No you are not being selfish.

As others have said, MIL has made her offers and you've politely said no thank you, for the moment etc. You just need to rinse and repeat that message everytime to her and DH.

Your child is YOURS. Not hers. She's had her time as a mother. Her needs to have another baby to look after do not trump yours as a mother. Tell your DH this everytime he tries to coerce you into his mother's bullying requests.

Keep posting OP; we can help. But deep down you know you're right and have been fair.

Out of interest is FIL around and does your partner have other adult siblings with children (ie. their grandchildren)?

I wouldn't reply to any more of MIL's messages as she's not accepting what you're telling her.

I think you've got everything you need and just want to be left alone to enjoy your life as you want to. I had a MIL just like her and a husband who behaved similarly to your partner. Try as I might he always took his mum's side and put pressure on me to give in, it was like being married to them both - so in the end I left them to it.

Stick to your guns xx

Agree to cut her out of the conversation for now if it can be avoided.
You've already decided for yourself that you aren't giving that day to her, you want it for yourself.
It's not happening. That's decided.
So if your partner keeps asking, because she's harrassing him, just say, no, I want that day with her. This time will pass quickly and I want to enjoy her. I don't need time alone, thanks.
And leave him to deal with his mother.

time to be very mad at your dp, and mute your mil so you don’t see her messages. Just don’t respond. Tell dp to help you think more positively you’ve muted his mum because her constant pushing with zero concern for what you want is really upsetting. What makes you happy is time with your dd, and I’m going to focus on that. I won’t be replying to your mum, she can just keep telling you how awful I am and you can decide whether you think that’s true or not. While you work away.

Dh is the major problem here - i would disengage now