MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

I got pressured into leaving my 4mo with in-laws... I still regret it. I assumed they would ring me if she was upset but they didn't & I found out she'd been crying for me all day. I still massively regret it & feel so much guilt.

Very good advice.

4 dolls prams and 3 baby annabels is crazy, and that says a lot about MiL….
She is becoming obsessed and your refusal to enable her results in tantrums and name calling….

You sound a wonderful mother who is totally putting her child’s needs first. Unlike MiL who is putting her needs before your daughters…. And that needs to be pointed out to your DH….

As others have pointed out, your daughter needs the security of being with her mum, especially as dad is working away so much. She does not need to be driven for 2 hours to spend time in an unfamiliar house without her mummy her familiar surroundings and with a strange woman wanting her to do things she doesn’t do with mummy. No decent grandparent would even suggest such nonsense.

MiL doesn’t want to help she wants your child so she can play dollys……
Stop responding to her. Tell DH you don’t want to hear it as it’s always the same broken record…. Don’t allow her to babysit or offer more days. No court would award this woman any contact and your husband works away…

I would suggest an appointment with a solicitor. It will cost you, but it would’ve helpful to get her advice and have it notes for any potential future issue, that you were concerned.

And finally, as a MiL and a grandma let me tell you she is crazy. It is not selfish to want to care for your own child, it’s what normal mothers do. Just carry on and keep reminding your DH that his Mother is becoming very obsessive and does he think she needs to see her Dr…

Is your DP from a family of boys? If so it sounds like your MIL wants to live her Mummy and Daughter fantasy.

DH only has brothers and my MIL spent £1,000's on pink dresses, a pink pram for her house, dolls and anything pink and girly. We were lucky/unlucky as they live 5 minutes away so popped in nearly every day.

She has since admitted that when she found out that DD was a girl that she felt that it was her chance to have a daughter. It did calm right down when DD got mobile and vocal and decided for herself that she didn't want to spend her time with Nanny either just being held or dressed up in the clothes that Nanny brought.

Sounds to me as if your DP and his mother are doing the old MN thing of "getting their ducks in a row."
Listen to your gut here, OP. Block it at every turn.

OP, call Womens aid for advice.
You are feeling unsafe.
A partner who is not around much and his mother haranguing you for access.
Protect yourself by talking to them, your GP and create a paper trail of feeling ganged upon upon.

Your partner is not around but is being very controlling of you, whilst being very hands off with his dd when he is around.

I definitely would seek a recommendation from Womens aid for legal advice, just to protect yourself.

How old is she, I mean 8 hours in a car would destroy me. I’d be worried she was driving safely. Even 4 hours after a working day, if you think that’s what she’s working up to, also doesn’t sound good. What if they baby is up all night.

What about your other children…is she not bothered about them??

I'd be tempted to send one last messege to your partner letting them know that both of their behaviour is concerning and aggressive. If he mentions 'she could get contact bla bla bla' remind him that you manage healthy coparenting relationships with your older DCs. If he took you to court you would be granted residency as he works away. Grandparents that are not actively involved (by involved I mean providing day to day parental care) do not get awarded anything in court. In your situation I would be ending the relationship now as your partner is not prioritising you or his child.

The thing I've found so weird about this from day 1 is the travelling. I know you suspect she's aiming to build up to overnights, but surely no normal sane adult thinks that a baby should be spending 4 hours in a car on a regular basis? It's so bloody irrational.

The mil has no access rights. She knows this and is trying to intimidate you. Stay strong as you are doing. Keep your boundaries in place against this toxic person.

This is probably a silly analogy but hear me out.
Say your DP had long since wanted a very expensive sports car. He finally buys one and it is his pride and joy. He loves driving it and it gives him great pleasure even just to see it sitting on the driveway.
But his DF wants to borrow it for a day a week. Says he's being selfish to refuse and it's not a day he uses it and it's therefore just sitting there. It will be good for the car to get a long run on the motorway down to DF's place. It can be kept in a garage overnight - better than the driveway at home. DF can get it valeted each week to "help DP out." DP can drive something else on the day DF has it, if he does ever need a car.
Would your DP agree he was being selfish to say, "Fuck off, it's MY car. No." Would he have agreed to DF having it even once a month? Or would he think that it's generous enough to let him take it for a spin when he visits?

(Disclaimer: I KNOW a baby is not the same as a car and that this is a sexist scenario. For the record, in our house it is I who loves nice cars and DH couldn't give a damn what he drives)

Your dp works away op, you’re the primary carer. Relax, refuse any regular grandparent time and if it comes to it you can go to court and say he’s not around, he can only have contact time when he’s actually around.

‘Dont worry, dd is already away from me 4 days a week, that’s already a lot more confidence building than dp or I was having at that age. She doesn’t need any more ‘confidence building’ separation, she needs me.’

4 prams 😮 that really is OTT. She sounds very fixated.

I agree that they might be trying to establish a pattern of contact so should your relationship with DP end the could agree that they have her while he's working away.

It is in your DC best interests to spend time with you. She doesn't need overnights with anyone. My 2 are 4 & 5 and have probably had less than a handful of over nights in their lives and none of them were before 3 years old.

Your DP is the problem. I would be very clear with him that you will not be setting up regular over nights with his mum. If she wants to help she's more than welcome to come down and spend time with DC at yours or she can help on a ad-hoc basis. She isn't helping by trying to pressurise you. She isn't helping by causing friction in your relationship.

I'd also go and talk to a family lawyer. It's worth finding out want potentially the contact arrangements would be with DP current work schedule. What rights if any the grandparents might be able to get ( I don't think any TBH if you're in the UK)

Op you are seem a very sane sensible caring lovely mum who is doing everything right. Youve got your childcare plans in place. Keep them as they are. Once a month/adhoc for mil is absolutely fine.

dont allow them to grind you down. Simply stop communicating back when they keep asking. All you have to say is “thanks, ill let you know” the end. Its not a no/yes

i think your partner is stuck inbetween. You need to have a word with him that him not being on your side is stressing you out. Arranging childcare around work singlehandedly is stress city. He has no idea

Your MIL's behaviour is very strange and quite worrying. I would not be letting your DD spend time alone with her. She can see her on visits but you are the main carer, not her and she needs to understand that. Your polite and clear messages are being deliberately ignored. Don't feel bad about stating your case more clearly and assertively. Genuine help with the baby, is help that helps you. Unfortunately, you are nowhere in their plans. Or worse, it feels like you might be an inconvenience to them that they are trying to shake free of. Keep a tight control of arrangements. These people will take a mile if you give an inch. Not sure how regular your visits are, but scale them back if they are making you uncomfortable. Do not let them have the baby alone. I get a very bad vibe about them from your posts. Stay firm and strong.

It is absolutely NOT selfish to want to spend your one free a day week with your own baby. It is normal and natural and entirely appropriate. You have worked hard to organise your life to make this possible - it would be madness to be guilt tripped into throwing that opportunity away.

I've been working 4 days a week since going back to work when my own DD turned 1yo. I've had one day a week dedicated to spending with her & it has been wonderful to have that time together - we've had so many lovely days doing all sorts of different things & she has loved having that time together with me too & she really looks forward to her mummy day every week.

She'll be starting school in September & I'm feeling quite sad & a bit tearful about not having our day together anymore to be honest & I will never once regret taking that time with her.

I think you need to think bigger picture here - when you're waving your own DD off to school how will you feel if you've allowed yourself to miss out on the time you could have had together because you felt pressured to hand DD over to MIL instead.

I think you know what is best for your DD - to have time together with you every week. Stick to that feeling like glue & stop allowing anyone else to guilt trip you into thinking otherwise - if you let them walk all over you in this way you will start to resent your DP for not listening to you or supporting you, which will do you no favours in the long run anyway.

Try listening to the Motherkind podcast - there are so many useful tips & advice there for how to not feel guilty.

My DD went to her PILs once a week on one of my work days - they wanted to help & volunteered to have her. They never would have dreamt of trying to take her on my non-work day - they organised their lives to make it possible to have her on one of my working days. They were so happy to genuinely help that they even got up super early every week to drive the 45 minutes to my house & collect DD & drop my eldest child at school & then took DD back to their house until about 2pm, before driving back in time to collect my eldest from school & drop both the kids home together to give me a break from the school run rush on that day. Now that is genuine help - someone who gives no thought to their own convenience & what suits themselves best, but instead thinks only of what you actually need & tries to fit into that.

I think you might benefit from some therapy to be honest, as it may help give you the strength to stick to your guns on the things that matter the most to you. If you cave into this woman over something so important and precious to you as being able to spend time with your own baby then this is something you could well end up regretting for the rest of your life.

My neighbour was also crazy over her GC. She had been quite a distant parent. She was a single parent and basically passed her son onto her mother to do the lions share of childcare.
When her own GC were born she thought it would be the same. She had a nursery in her house and has rearranged with every subsequent child.
She thought she would have overnights from birth? When eventually she was allowed to babysit she would drive the baby hours between houses. She also didn’t know what to do with the baby and sometimes I would have them! She used to try and force them to sleep in her bed when she was allowed overnights.
Anyway her son stopped her and she was only allowed the baby in their house. She only sees them when they need help, they’re much older, her whole house is still set up for them to stay which they don’t.

The courts will prioritise her home NOW where her mum is the primary caregiver and she has siblings and if her dad chose to move away then that’s his choice to move away from her home. They wouldn’t split the week with a 2 hour distance for her, he’d have to stick to seeing her at weekends and school holidays because there’s no way they’d expect a primary school child to either miss school, or travel back and forth in the week. Grandparent rights aren’t a thing, so they’d end up seeing her only on his time (which would already be limited). I’m so sorry they’re threats and pressure are scaring you but I suggest you make a call to a solicitor today (often they have a free hour for advice) before you engage in any more of their arguments.