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Original poster

MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

466 replies

cj2796 · 11/07/2024 09:08

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

OP posts:
Donotneedit · 11/07/2024 10:00

I really feel for you, it’s stressful!

Does she make such inflammatory comments directly to you or is it just her son passing them on? I ask because sometimes we do have a moan about other people expecting the person we are confiding in to be more diplomatic when they go off and speak to the other person. She may not realise he is passing on her comments, verbatim and honestly he’s pouring petrol on a fire, saying things like that to you regardless of whether she said it or not, all it’s gonna do is damage your relationship with her and stress you out.

There’s a really good book by Terri apter called what do you want from me, it explains why daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationships get so fraught when babies come along and loads of practical advice on dealing with it. It all comes from anxiety, you are understandably anxious about the intrusive and hostile messages you’re getting, she will be anxious about mortality, loss of status, not being able to access the grandchild aside from through you, and he will be anxious about being stuck in the middle and not being the main ‘gatekeeper’ of the child. Everyone gets a knickers in a twist and it does cause a lot of problems.

If you did split up, it would be up to your partner what he did with your child during his time, so there is some truth in that, it’s a dreadful thing to be saying to you right now and again, just really inflammatory and unhelpful.

I think you are being absolutely reasonable in your actions and I think you will be able to stand your ground and do a fair bit soothe the situation (just being pragmatic) which would be a win-win. Being able to understand what making other people behave so badly and having strategies to deal with it will help your mental health, and that’s actually the most important thing here according to an excellent health visitor I had once - happy mummy, happy family.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 11/07/2024 10:00

‘I’m sorry, but I really do want this time with my baby.’
And repeat ad infinitum.

Ophy83 · 11/07/2024 09:59

My mum and MIL both had high chairs etc at their houses, MIL also had a cot, but not for "alone time", just to make it easier for us when we were visiting as a family so we didn't have to pack so much baby paraphernalia every time we went to stay at hers! Any chance she would be appeased if you all went to hers for the occasional stay? Might be easier than doing 4 hours travelling in one day, though I get the feeling your DP may not be up for this where he is leaving it to you to facilitate her relationship with the little one

Tablesalt111 · 11/07/2024 09:58

Julyshouldbesunny · 11/07/2024 09:12

Tell dh she had her own dc. And now you have yours.... Tell him he can buy her a doll if he wants to. I fucking hate such family....

Your post just sums it up. These familie exactly that. these mils and their loser sons.

GodspeedJune · 11/07/2024 09:57

My first thought on reading the OP was that you are allowed to be ‘selfish’ with your own child.

Is that the word she used, or is that how your partner phrased it? Because it’s very insulting. Insinuating that you want the baby with you for your own sake rather than because that’s what is best for a young baby.

You’re not under any obligation to share your baby. We either visited our grandparents or they visited us, and enjoyed wonderful relationships. Can count on one hand the number of times we slept over. I don’t understand the obsession with having alone time with other people’s baby.

PollyPut · 11/07/2024 09:55

cj2796 · 11/07/2024 09:53

My baby does know her grandparents. As I said weekends are busy for us with other children, but I see the ILs with baby/children once every couple of weeks for either the day/afternoon.

They don't need weekly alone time to know her.

Show quote history

I didn't say she didn't know her grandparents - please don't take that from the message I sent.

Yes you said weekends are busy for you with other children - that could be why it is a good time for them to see the baby. At your house.

DisforDarkChocolate · 11/07/2024 09:54

Fuck me, you do all the work and your husband and MIL want to make your life harder.

Sunshinemom · 11/07/2024 09:54

What is it with MILs and alone time. It drives me up the wall.

Original poster
cj2796 · 11/07/2024 09:53

PollyPut · 11/07/2024 09:51

We also considered grandparents helping with childcare in place of nursery. How we would cope when they were on holiday or ill was why we didn't do it.

Someone above suggested the baby misses nursery sometimes to take the baby out for the day. That might be an option. But I would look at weekends. Baby has a right to get to know her grandparents so it's just going to be a way of finding a good solution for all. If DP won't help make weekends work then it sounds like he doesn't want to see his parents...

Edited

My baby does know her grandparents. As I said weekends are busy for us with other children, but I see the ILs with baby/children once every couple of weeks for either the day/afternoon.

They don't need weekly alone time to know her.

OP posts:
ShyCrab · 11/07/2024 09:52

Agree with PP that you should stand your ground, they are being ridiculous and trying to make your life more difficult, not easier. Your baby is yours!

PollyPut · 11/07/2024 09:51

We also considered grandparents helping with childcare in place of nursery. How we would cope when they were on holiday or ill was why we didn't do it.

Someone above suggested the baby misses nursery sometimes to take the baby out for the day. That might be an option. But I would look at weekends. Baby has a right to get to know her grandparents so it's just going to be a way of finding a good solution for all. If DP won't help make weekends work then it sounds like he doesn't want to see his parents...

frippit · 11/07/2024 09:51

This is dreadful behaviour from your MIL. I have 5 grandchildren and as a MIL myself would never behave like this.
She's ruining her relationship with you. Hold strong on your boundaries, don't be undermined, your child your rules. Be thankful she's 2 hours away, could be worse if she's was close by.

Original poster
cj2796 · 11/07/2024 09:50

She has also been buying baby things for her house and telling me about it, like a highchair and travel cot. She said she'd like to have LO overnight.

I've been very polite and just said oh yes that would be nice in future when she's bigger.

I'm still breastfeeding too (I pump at work which is exhausting).

It's not that I don't want them to watch LO at all.

A "normal" grandparent relationship to me which is the one that I had growing up and that most people I know seem to have is, not the grandparents having the baby for "alone time" every week and sleepovers.

The grandparents occasionally babysit, maybe the odd overnight (might be nice in future for DP and I)! Other than that it's family visits, like we take her to visit them or they come here, is that not normal?

Because I usually meet them halfway, my LO has only been to their house a few times!

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 11/07/2024 09:50

Child and grandchildren are not property.

If it doesn't practically work for you or shes interferring, then no you are not being 'selfish' because you don't possess your child.

She's revealling how she sees your child

Badermigee · 11/07/2024 09:48

cj2796 · 11/07/2024 09:47

My DP at first said his mother was overstepping, but now I think she's got in his ear and he's trying to "compromise" and appease her.

I think I've already offered a very good compromise by giving her 1 day a month on my day off.

Someone said further up about if they are reliable... WELL. My DP father is semi-retired so they go on a lot of holidays, travel around to watch a certain sport they follow etc.

If I was to manage to arrange a day less for LO at nursery say without losing her place, in order for MIL to have her. I've asked DP what happens when they are on their holidays or travelling as they do? It will mean I will need to take A/L to cover this... which then cuts into time off I could have taken with all the children. Nursery I don't have to worry about this, I know I can go to work without any hassle.

Just say no. N.o. No one has to appease her, it's insane to consider it

Unknownsecret · 11/07/2024 09:47

cj2796 · 11/07/2024 09:43

Sorry, DP and I aren't married. I just used MIL as it's easier than typing DPs mother.

Don’t apologise .. it’s really not confusing. She is your mil 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
cj2796 · 11/07/2024 09:47

My DP at first said his mother was overstepping, but now I think she's got in his ear and he's trying to "compromise" and appease her.

I think I've already offered a very good compromise by giving her 1 day a month on my day off.

Someone said further up about if they are reliable... WELL. My DP father is semi-retired so they go on a lot of holidays, travel around to watch a certain sport they follow etc.

If I was to manage to arrange a day less for LO at nursery say without losing her place, in order for MIL to have her. I've asked DP what happens when they are on their holidays or travelling as they do? It will mean I will need to take A/L to cover this... which then cuts into time off I could have taken with all the children. Nursery I don't have to worry about this, I know I can go to work without any hassle.

OP posts:
hotchocfiend · 11/07/2024 09:46

You need to just shut her down and let your DP deal with it. He's being pathetic and selfish, as is she!! Keep the day for yourself.

TheFairyCaravan · 11/07/2024 09:46

Stop pandering to her. You will only make her worse.

Unknownsecret · 11/07/2024 09:46

PollyPut · 11/07/2024 09:38

@cj2796 also if you call her MIL when you're not actually married, it's rather confusing.

🙄🙄 it’s really not 🙄🙄

Badermigee · 11/07/2024 09:46

cj2796 · 11/07/2024 09:43

Sorry, DP and I aren't married. I just used MIL as it's easier than typing DPs mother.

Why don't you just tell her to piss off? Seriously. Obviously you don't have to use those exact words but 'no thank you, that's not what's best for my baby/anyone'

Nobody cares about hurting or upsetting you or your poor baby

Sillystrumpet · 11/07/2024 09:44

I don’t understand what your husband is thinking, how it would work logistically. Either of you it’s a four hour round trip to drop the baby off, and even if you meet half way it’s a 2 hour round trip , it’s nonsensical

Original poster
cj2796 · 11/07/2024 09:43

Sorry, DP and I aren't married. I just used MIL as it's easier than typing DPs mother.

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 11/07/2024 09:42

I would not be driving 2 hours to drop my baby off for mil to watch the baby while i then have to go to work.

if your wants to facilitate his demanding mum that he seems eager to please then he needs to change his hours to do this. Do not share your own day off a week, it’s your day off with your baby.

my in-laws never had our children alone they saw them when we visited them or if they occasionally visited us.

ImustLearn2Cook · 11/07/2024 09:42

cj2796 · 11/07/2024 09:27

See I do try and involve her as much as possible, I think I try and be reasonable.

I've got some training days coming up and need to work extra. I've got friends/family closer who could have my LO but I gave MIL first refusal to have LO those days as I know she's desperate to have her.

It doesn't really help me as such as I've got help closer and it's a logistical nightmare with the distance!

I now feel on edge and feel like pulling these days but I don't want to cause a rift.

You are not causing a rift by having perfectly reasonable and healthy boundaries. If anyone is causing a rift it is your MIL. You can’t stop her from being unreasonable, that is 100% her responsibility and completely within her control.

Stand firm. Your baby needs that bonding time with you. You are putting your baby’s needs first and there is nothing selfish about that. And FWIW, there is nothing selfish about putting your needs first before somebody else’s wants. 💐🌈💖