MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

Just ignore the thick woman. Let MIL rearrange her days if she wants to and she can come up and sit until your house once a week if she wants.

Some people actually like spending time with their children.

What is all this about grandparents bonding? It's ridiculous. They'd like a relationship and it's good for both sides, but no "bonding " needed. Mothers need to bond! It's a specific term .

If she was that desperate for time with the baby, then she would have taken the 1 day a month you offered.

After thinking about it, I'd definitely not offer any more time other than them you go and see her with your partner. I wouldn't even go without him, unless she comes to you to see the baby.

Grandparents don’t need alone time with the grandkids to make a bond, SOME just happen to be used for childcare where this happens. So you're not abnormal at all and logically they can’t be consistent or reliable childcare and you’re also completely valid in wanting time with her which you’ve arranged work/ nursery around.

Your partner doesn’t sound particularly supportive in this and I would completely draw the line at the veiled threats of you splitting up. If you did split up and he chose to use her for HIS childcare then fine, but you’d never be obligated to “get used” to not having your child whenever MIL demanded. Would I want my child in the sole care of someone who obviously disliked me so much as to hint about my separation from their son… no, frankly. She sounds pretty vile.

Unless partner wants dear mummy’s wish to come true quite swiftly then maybe tell him to actually support you and the compromises you’ve already given her and put his big boy pants on with his overbearing mother whilst you do the lions share of bringing up his child. Maybe he can drop pay and take time off to run the child 2 hours every week to her?

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. She is being ridiculous.

"I understand that you love the baby too, which is lovely, but I don’t get much time with the baby and as a mother yourself I’m sure you’ll understand that I don’t want to lose what time I do have. I’m sure that when DH was a baby you wanted to spend time with him, and wouldn't have wanted to let someone else have that precious time instead.

It might have worked for you to have her a different day, though the travelling time makes it very difficult, but unfortunately we can’t do that because I’ve signed a contract with the nursery and we would probably lose the place."

Personally I think even the one Friday in four offer is very generous to her. It’s your baby, not hers, and she has no right at all to say that you are being selfish.

But you need to say all this to your DH too, and get him on your side.

Don't worry now about what would happen if you split up - but I would imagine that if you did, it might be better for you if there wasn’t already an established pattern of MIL having the baby for a day very frequently e.g. every week.

Putting aside everything else, I wouldn't want my baby traveling for 4 hours in a car on any day. Its a crappy experience for them. They're also going to fall asleep on the way home to you and you'll most likely have a nightmare getting them to bed.

That's an insane amount of car time for your child. That alone would make it a no for me except maybe occasionally when they are much older.

She doesn't want to help you. She wants to have a day having baby to herself.

Literally no one was confused by this, no need to apologise

Your MIL sounds nuts. The fact that she is expecting you to travel for four hours on your day off so she can spend time with your baby is unbelievable. Suggest she travels to your house and she can spend some time with your baby while you rest. I bet she does it a couple of times and then you will hear no more.

Didn't you see this?

try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

Yeah she needs to fuck off.

You have said no. Just stick to your guns and refuse to discuss further. I wouldn’t be allowing one day a month either.

^"DP, you really don't get it, do you?

It was a joint decision for me to drop to 4 days working so I had chance to spend quality time with baby, do some chores at home, be on hand for school drop offs and pick ups.

Now you want me to be rushing around and baby spending hours in a car seat for your mums benefit. How is that helpful to me or baby?

If mum wants to spend more time with baby, she's welcome to visit us at the weekend as long as it works around our other commitments. And I've already offered her one day a month (Op - you were crazy to do this!).

I'll leave it with you to convince your mum that what shes suggesting doesn't work for us as a family."^

As far as your MIL goes, don't say anything. As a previous poster said, your silence on the matter tells her what she needs to know. This isn't a negotiation.

It's interesting how different the advice is in this thread compared to another current one where the mother is being told she should have shared her baby more.

OP, I don't think you should have offered her one of your days with baby a month. The best compromise seems, to me, to be that MIL changes her work days to one where your baby is in nursery, has baby that day, but you both still pay for the nursery place so that if MIL isn't available your baby can go. This way you can still hold her place too.

Edited to add - you don't have to compromise at all if it doesn't work for you btw. MIL lives a long way away which is going to make it difficult. If she has any day, she should come to you. That's a long time for a baby to be in a car. MIL has had her turn to raise her child, now you make decisions for your own child and the parenting approach you choose.

It is insane that you are giving this nonsense any headspace at all. Anyone who accuses you of being "selfish" with your own baby should be completely disregarded, and even taking the baby to this batshit woman just once a month is totally unreasonable. A four hour round trip? I don't think so. Your useless partner can do that if it's so important to him, which by the way, it's not.

Get off the crazy train, op. You even entertaining any of this is making you a doormat.

To be honest, you have already told her no and explained why it doesn’t work for you. I don’t understand why you offered her one of those days a month. I would rescind that.

You don’t have to explain any further or keep talking about it. I would be taking a huge step back from her.

With regards to your concerns about what would happen if you split, MIL would need to liaise with her DS and see the baby during his access time.

In order to be entitled to her own access, she would have to have had far more of a parental role. Another reason to limit contact.

It's quite simple, your baby, you get to call the shots.

She can sod off. Clearly has no idea about how difficult your logistics already are. I'd be giving her a wide berth and leaving your DH to deal with her moaning.

So baby is in car seat for ? 4 hours between 11 and 6pm if she takes them home

She can come over at the weekend and spend time with dh and baby

As far as I’m aware, grandparents don’t have any rights in law so your mil wouldn’t be able to demand any visitation rights if you and your partner split up.

@cj2796 I don't understand. She expects you to drive to her house for 2 hours and sit around all day in the car whilst she is with baby, and then you go home? In time to pick the other two up from school? I can't see how that is even practical

She can change her days if it's that important to her. Refuse to cooperate. Back off from her and stop making so much effort.