MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

Don't offer her 1 day a month on your only day with the baby. If MIL wants a day, she can change her day to a day you are working and she would need to do the travelling, as anything else would be a massive inconvenience during the busy working week.

Far easier for MiL to change her day, rather than needing mess a round with a recently agreed flexible working arrangement and nursery place.

Alternatively, your DP can accommodate something else on one of your working days. Your DP is being really unreasonable @cj2796

She can still pay for the day to keep the place. It doesn't sound like MIL would be that reliable anyway, so a back up would be needed. Yes, it's a shame to pay for the nursery day and not use it, but it might be a means to an end.

In this situation I would just not reply any more. She's not going to be reasonable about this, you've said no, that's it. Nothing to gain from continuing the conversation.

If DP brings it up again, just say "you're not listening - this doesn't work for me and won't be happening. Feel free to drop a day of work yourself and let her have baby on those days if you feel so strongly about it. Baby's best place is with their parents and I won't make baby lose a day with me just to please your mother.".

This. Sorry

Congratulations on your baby.

this is nonsensical. From the sounds of things, you have no problems with your MIL looking after your baby. The issue is that she wants to look after you rbaby at a time that is not convenient for you.

As per my earlier post, I think you should suggest that she takes one of the nursery days, even if you keep paying for it. But it needs to be in a way that doesn't involve 4 hours of driving for your baby.

I think the issue is that if OP dropped another day at nursery she would lose the place altogether.

Does your DH have form for not supporting you ? Because that’s what’s happening here. You MiL is completely unreasonable. You’ve offered a compromise and instead of making contact she’s pouting and complaining to her son. You’ve moved your days around to spend more time with the baby and you’ve offered a compromise which takes into account the travelling time. The next step is up to MiL. And I would be telling her that in the event of you and DH splitting up, you wouldn’t be the one to have to get used to anything - grandparents have no automatic right of access. Let her chew on that for a while.

I really do get where you are coming from OP but a baby is not something to negotiate over or to use to "appease" anybody. First consideration is always what is best for baby and then what is best for mum. It sounds to me that MIL is neither of those things.

She's already planned your post divorce access to your own child. Wow. What a luxury sized bitch.
Man oh man, kick her with a steel toe boot to the furthest side of Fuck Off, with a kind smile. Honestly, let her radio silence to your offers go ignored and don't give her options. She sees her grandchildren on your terms, always. If she wants to hang out with babies all day, tell her to meet her son, your 'D'H, for tea.

This is about managing your life and parenting your children and raising your family on your terms and on your watch. Accommodating her needs doesn't even come into the picture because, fun fact, she has no needs, none, nada, zip, zilch. Her grandchildren are a bonus in her life, not possessions to squabble over. Stand your ground, OP. As a poster mentioned above, if she really wanted to see your baby/children, she'd accept any offer she could. This is about control... and just being a dick really.💐

Nusery is to fill the gap when you are working. When you are not working you want to spend all your time with your baby. It's really simple.

Your nursery isn't two hours away. You don't give her to the nursery on your special day, that's your time together. MIL can organise to be 'given' your child to care for one day a week on one of the other days in your home (no crazy car journey). If that's not acceptable to her, she's the one who is selfish. She's had her turn to parent and now she wants to take away the one day you get with your own child.

Well she's a bloody nightmare isn't she?! Honestly ignore it & her. Just don't discuss it. That would be a 4 hour round trip for your baby just for one day! Crazy!

Maybe because nursery don’t want you to break up for a start?

and they’re trained… and it’s social.. and they have adequate care provision… and they are presumably not two fucking hours away?

ask him if you did rearrange and it fell through could he step in and take a day off because if not he needs to step back

I think she thinks she will drive up here, collect baby, drive back to her house, and then bring her back. So in theory if she was to have baby on my day off... she's offering to do all the driving.

that’s bonkers, she’s going to do 8 hours driving a day? And the baby would need to spend 4 hours a day in the car? Why would your husband think that is remotely acceptable?

Honestly, drop the rope. Don’t give this any more head space.

It isn’t happening.

I hope she’s travelling to you, no way would I drive 4 hours and go to work, just to appease this ridiculous woman.
Another vote for your partner to sort out contact on one of his days. But to be honest I don’t think I’d care if saying no meant falling out. She hardly lives round the corner so you would never have to see her anyway. Job done.

Enjoy your time with your baby, it's precious. She had her moment. MIL's that are obsessed with having 'alone time' with their grandchildren need to wind it back in. They either want to spend time with their grandchildren or not, they cannot dictate the circumstances.

If you do split with your partner then your MIL can see the baby on his time, not yours.

Perhaps return her 'you are selfish' (with your own baby that you brought into the world AND navigating being a mum returning to work and all the emotions that go with leaving your child for long periods of time for the first time) with "that's really creepy"

When you and your partner talk about it again just state how creepy it is for a woman to want to detach a baby from their mum and demand rights over a child that they are not the parent of.

Here is the compromise I would suggest:

YOu continue to pay for the nursery days you already pay for (4).
If your MIL would like to come down and have the baby on one of those days a week on a regular or ad hoc basis, that's fine (yes, you lose out but you were paying anyway and this way you have the reliable and guaranteed childcare you need).
On the days she comes down, while baby is still small, I would not be suggesting that she then travel for 2 hours back to hers. She should have the baby at your house/your area.
If you can stand it, you could agree that she stays overnight so that she doesn't have to do the drive back when it's late.

Because giving up YOUR time, or ridiculous long journeys for the baby are both crazy. And overrnights are NOT an option at this point.

Firm no from me. She is your baby and MIL can fuck off.

I would be livid that your DH is entertaining this rather than backing you with MIL.

Yanbu she sounds too much!
Why should you swap your days to accommodate her. It's your baby not hers.
I'd tactfully say no thank you it's my day off to spend with baby but thanks for asking.

Errr no. You don’t change anything. MIL can love her grandchild without having to own her for a day a week.
You work, you do a huge % of the family load, you just carry on doing what works for you. 4 hours travel once a week on your day off is ridiculous.
I think a grandparents role is to help and support where and when they’re asked to. And I’m granny to 3.

I’d just be civil and polite. Of course YANBU. Just let her get on with it! She’ll get over it. Congratulations on your baby! X