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Original poster

MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

466 replies

cj2796 · 11/07/2024 09:08

NC for this.

I’ve just returned to work after a years maternity leave. I’ve condensed my days down to 4, to allow me a day to spend quality time with my baby while she’s still little. I have older children so weekends are manic with their activities.

My DP works away most of the time so 99% of the day to day stuff for LO, nursery drop offs/collections etc fall to me. It’s been hard returning to work and managing all this on my own.. anyway…

My MIL works part time and has the same day off in the week as I do. She’s asked to have LO every week on this day.

I have thanked her very kindly for offering, but explained that I have condensed my days to have that particular day off to spend with LO. I did say that if she likes she could have baby once a month on that day?

This went ignored and I’ve been told now by DP that I’ve upset MIL and that she thinks I am being “selfish with the baby”.

Incase it is relevant they live almost 2 hours away so it’s not exactly close either. I try and make time for them as much as possible, it’s a couple of times a month. I often meet them halfway even if my DP isn’t available.

My DP says my MIL just really loves baby and wants to help. But I’ve explained what would be helpful/work for us and it’s gone ignored and now I’ve upset her?

DP had suggested I move my days around at work or drop a day at nursery/change days to allow MIL to have LO weekly on this particular day. I’ve explained to him that with the nursery contract I’ve signed, if I drop a day we are liable to lose our place as they reserve the right to do this (if someone wants full time or 4 days it would taken precedence, it’s only a small nursery). I had to put her name down when she was born as places are few and far between round here!

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”. We have previously been on the rocks but have been trying to work things out, so I’ve found this a bit hurtful.

If we were to split up and needed to come to arrangements between us surely that wouldn’t include his parents? Wouldn’t it be both our working schedules considered plus little ones schedule and what is best for her? I don’t see it being fair that I would be doing the bulk of running around and then on my days off I don’t get to have my little one? And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

I just need help with how to word a response without falling out with anyone. Or am I wrong?

My friend said her MIL became obsessed with needing “alone time” with her baby, and it caused a big falling out. Which I really don’t want the same!

Thanks

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 11/07/2024 10:59

cj2796 · 11/07/2024 10:33

According to DP, she has also said that I give my DC to nursery so why would I not give DC to her?!?

The nursery isn't 2 hours drive away? What a ridiculous comment from him.

Twiglets1 · 11/07/2024 10:58

cj2796 · 11/07/2024 10:53

I can't change my day off. It was a very stressful and long process to even get to the point with work of being able to condense to 4 days. These are the days that work for the team I am now on, no chance to change atm. Nor do I want to rock the boat with work as I need my job, just to appease my MIL.

Show quote history

Any reason she can’t change her day off?

Original poster
cj2796 · 11/07/2024 10:58

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 11/07/2024 10:55

How exactly is she even planning to manage this two hour distance thing? I mean, if she did it all, that's 8 hours for her? And you don't have time to be doing it.

I'm finding the whole thing a bit odd.

I do get what you're saying about the routine, but I think you should consider the nursery option. I mean, she coul deven come down at lunch, collect baby and have her for the afternoon.

I said earlier, I suspect her end goal would be to do this for a little bit... and then suggest the driving is all too much and she should collect LO the day prior and have her overnight.

OP posts:
pam290358 · 11/07/2024 10:58

Twiglets1 · 11/07/2024 10:48

What nonsense is this? Who don’t one of you change your day off then your MIL could save you some childcare fees, assuming she is reliable.

OP can’t change her day off, and why should she ? It’s down to her DH to appease his mother by changing his own working pattern if he’s so keen to accommodate her. And it wouldn’t save on child care fees because as has already been pointed out, if OP were to drop another day at nursery she would lose the place altogether. She would still have to pay for the day even if she didn’t use it. Not to mention the nursery isn’t two hours away, but MiL is.

HappierTimesAhead · 11/07/2024 10:58

@cj2796 Your MIL has no rights whatsoever here and since she is being so unreasonable I would not accommodate her in any way

Codlingmoths · 11/07/2024 10:57

Stop being tactful with your dp. Tell him: you’re not here most of the time. I do it all on my own. Start supporting me, or you had better be planning to equal parent; to stay home with baby when she’s ill, to do the nursery run regularly and support my career a little for a change. Start appreciating all I can do instead of dictating everything else I should be doing too.

BlastedPimples · 11/07/2024 10:56

What a horrible woman to talk about your and your partner splitting up and how it would benefit her in terms of spending time with your dd.

I wouldn't give up any of my precious limited time with my child.

If your mil wants to visit at the weekend every so often then they would work better for you?

Don't let her undermine you ever.

HappierTimesAhead · 11/07/2024 10:56

she ignored my (kind) offer of once a month to have LO.According to my DP she's asking to have LO every week "even if only for half a day"

This isn't a fucking negotiation! She doesn't have a say!

YellowphantGrey · 11/07/2024 10:56

Twiglets1 · 11/07/2024 10:48

What nonsense is this? Who don’t one of you change your day off then your MIL could save you some childcare fees, assuming she is reliable.

The op has already said if they drop a day, they will lose their nursery space entirely.

The MIL has been offered one full day a month and has declined this and wants the full day that OP has off, eventually leading to the overnight before this day off and has told the OP when they split, she needs to get used to nights away from her baby.

I've no clue why anyone thinks this utter batshittery should be entertained.

Tagyoureit · 11/07/2024 10:56

She would have lost me at the split up/get used to it comment! That's nasty!

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 11/07/2024 10:55

How exactly is she even planning to manage this two hour distance thing? I mean, if she did it all, that's 8 hours for her? And you don't have time to be doing it.

I'm finding the whole thing a bit odd.

I do get what you're saying about the routine, but I think you should consider the nursery option. I mean, she coul deven come down at lunch, collect baby and have her for the afternoon.

Okayornot · 11/07/2024 10:54

No, this MIL does not want to help. MILs who want to help don't expect their grandchild to lose time with their primary carer or to spend 4 hours in the car on a single day. If she wants to babysit she can swap her days and come to you to care for baby while you are at work.

Response to MIL is: thank you for your kind offer, but I only have one free day to spend with the baby and so will be looking after her on that day.

Response to DP: your mother is batshit. Please rein her in.

And ignore further nonsense.

Original poster
cj2796 · 11/07/2024 10:54

My DPs working schedule I difficult, he works away a lot and his days off aren't always set. So it's not possible for him to change to accommodate his mother either.

OP posts:
StarvingMarvin222 · 11/07/2024 10:53

Id say to your DP if he wants his mother to have the baby,he can take a day off every week and drop the baby there and back.
Bet it's dropped pretty sharpish then.

Original poster
cj2796 · 11/07/2024 10:53

Twiglets1 · 11/07/2024 10:48

What nonsense is this? Who don’t one of you change your day off then your MIL could save you some childcare fees, assuming she is reliable.

I can't change my day off. It was a very stressful and long process to even get to the point with work of being able to condense to 4 days. These are the days that work for the team I am now on, no chance to change atm. Nor do I want to rock the boat with work as I need my job, just to appease my MIL.

OP posts:
Original poster
cj2796 · 11/07/2024 10:51

Sorry if this is a drip feed, but she ignored my (kind) offer of once a month to have LO.

According to my DP she's asking to have LO every week "even if only for half a day".

I'm not sure why she is so determined to have baby weekly. Or how that would even work with the distance.

You are all correct, it really wouldn't be in her best interests to be in the car for 4 hours unnecessarily every week. (We have taken her away on holiday before for longer journeys but it's rare!).

The nursery is right near my other children's school and on my route to work so it works really well for my day!

I understand what people are saying about paying for the day at nursery and allowing MIL to have baby. I definitely can't drop a day as we could lose the place. It's something I can think about although not sure how it works for the distance, and also the routine for my baby (getting her settled into nursery is still a process. She isn't a morning person)

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 11/07/2024 10:50

Just ignore her , stop facilitating visits and leave it to your partner .

PerhapsaSillyQuestion · 11/07/2024 10:50

And have a baby two hours in a car journey one way there and one way back with granny!! No! How selfish is that.

PerhapsaSillyQuestion · 11/07/2024 10:49

Op you have tried to be reasonably diplomatic about this and it's fallen on the deaf ears.
Now is time to say to dp. Enough.

Draw your line in the sand.

Enough, I've fully explained everything and I'm not saying any more it's not happening.

Secondly your mil has zero interest in "helping you" I hate this faux help.
. However you can use it agaisnt her " thanks but it's going to make my life worse." it's not happening and refuse to talk about it further.

Twiglets1 · 11/07/2024 10:48

What nonsense is this? Who don’t one of you change your day off then your MIL could save you some childcare fees, assuming she is reliable.

Thomasina79 · 11/07/2024 10:48

Stand your ground this woman is crazy. I am a nanny and would not dream of suggesting such a batship idea. My role is to fit in with the young family and to help out when I can.

Rosscameasdoody · 11/07/2024 10:46

ContentSolitudinarian · 11/07/2024 10:43

She can still pay for the day to keep the place. It doesn't sound like MIL would be that reliable anyway, so a back up would be needed. Yes, it's a shame to pay for the nursery day and not use it, but it might be a means to an end.

Show quote history

I think that would be a good compromise if it shuts MiL up !!

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 11/07/2024 10:45

And don't you find that the ones who holler "You're selfish" the loudest are the very definition of selfish themselves? Carting a baby around in a car for hours on end... what a great bonding experience! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, there's a breed of MIL that you don't realise you have until you're in this situation. Poor you, OP. What a headache. But that's all she ever needs to be, a low grade headache in the background. Call the shots, step on toes, and fuck your DH if he doesn't support you on this one. Sorry but I am fed up to the gills of men appeasing their pathologically controlling mothers; it's control by proxy. It is the epitome of dysfunction. For your children's sake, stand tall, and break your DH's terrible pattern for him. Do that for yourself, above all. 💐

ladycarlotta · 11/07/2024 10:45

cj2796 · 11/07/2024 10:13

I think she thinks she will drive up here, collect baby, drive back to her house, and then bring her back. So in theory if she was to have baby on my day off... she's offering to do all the driving.

I've made clear regardless this isn't viable as my day off is so I can spend time with my LO.

I've explained to her that I work long hours (I do), I also have an hour commute to work so my baby has long days in nursery. Then it's home and time for bed. That day off is going to be so precious to me.

I suspect my MIL long term goal would be to collect my baby the evening before and have her overnight. So she isn't doing all that driving in the one day.

Her thought process I believe is that if DP and I weren't together I would be having to "give up" baby to DP for overnights etc. so why can't she have them now?

I hope that makes sense?

Show quote history

She wants to spend 4 hours a day with a baby in the car?
Forget how this doesn't help you, how is it any good for your baby??? How does it deliver the quality time MIL wants? I thought she was at least proposing to drive to yours and hang out there for the day. This is madness and purely to do with her personal sense of "winning", since she can't actually be getting what she wants from it if she's spending the majority of the day driving. Your partner needs to put his foot down. If he won't do it for you he must rationally see that it would be shit for your baby.

Flipzandchipz · 11/07/2024 10:45

Stick to your guns OP, it is likely your MIL has got into your DP’s ear and if he’s working away all the time he’ll be clueless as to all the work you do when he’s not there and how it would impact you.

She is absolutely offering to do it as she wants time with the baby. Also, how actually good is it for a baby to be stuck in a car 4 hours a week when it’s not necessary?

I condensed to 4 days for the exact reason you have done. It is hard working practically full time and being a mum. And they are little for such a short space of time. it is completely understandable you would want as much time as possible with them.

What I can’t get over is that she’s upset enough over your decision to get your DP involved. She is massively overstepping. Yeah if you split up with DP you would likely have to split time with your LO between the two of you, but it would be up to him to sort time with his parents when he has his time. It is ridiculous that she has felt the need to say well if you split up you’d have to get used to it! What a fucking cheek.

I think it was lovely to offer MIL to have LO once a month. She’s being very unreasonable saying no and asking for every week.

If you’re going to respond I would try to keep any emotions out and just keep it very basic. Eg thank you for offering but I have compressed my hours so I can spend as much time as possible with LO. (If you’re still okay with once a month although I think O’d tell her to do one) The offer to have LO once a month is still there. Let me know what you want to do so I can make arrangements.

Best of luck OP!