MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

Oh dear OP this is awful.
Your MIL especially and your DP making you feel guilty is really not ok at all.
MIL must be a pushy Mum to DP too for him to worry so much about upsetting her.
I’m also a MIL and offer to have my DGCs when I’m needed and we meet up together for family days too. Insisting on this day a week is nuts!
I think you have enough on your plate with work, kids, baby, childcare especially as DP is away so much. This discussion needs to be put to bed with MIL and DP - it’s a no. You honestly shouldn’t have to be trying to facilitate this for MIL. Jeez I’m getting stressed just thinking about it!
Stand firm OP. 💪❤️

and therefore you need to explain to your DP (again!) that his mother's idea of helping isn't helping you at all and specify the reasons why as you've mentioned on here.

All the arrangements you've made have been done so that they suit YOU and YOUR children and that is exactly how it should be.

Please please please do not budge on your current arrangements just to appease MIL. give an inch....

If she's that desperate she can change her day off work, come to you, and be in the local area. And if she gives a reason why she can't do that, then too bad.

This is so true!
I remember when my DD was a newborn and my MIL came round. DD was nestled on me after a feed, sleeping soundly. MIL kept insisting on taking DD out for a walk in the pram (that we weren't using yet because my babies prefer a baby carrier when they are tiny) to 'give me a break'. I had to keep forcefully saying I didn't need a break and that DD and I were both perfectly happy having a little snooze and a snuggle together. She wasn't trying to help, she just wanted to get DD on her own.

Just no I’m all levels, you have a schedule tahts works perfectly. There is no compromise that is in anyones intersts, baby does not want/need to travel that far. And most importantly it’s important with 4 long nursery days a quality day with mummy alone at home is perfect

@cj2796 she sounds a lot like my MIL; requests something that is ridiculous then sulks and refuses more sensible suggestions when she doesn't get what she wants! Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Withdrawing your offer of once a month is sensible.

I'd just be firm with her and make it clear that you will be spending your day off with just you and the baby, then suggest perhaps one weekend a month (when your other kids are with their dad) you can do something as a family.

Why on earth would it be beneficial to a baby to spend 4 hours a day in a car or away from mum over night?!?!

Tell your partner if they wanted to help, then they would do what is needed to be helpful.

Instead, what they are doing is the opposite and are actually trying to arrange your entire family life to suit them and engineer a routine to suit them when you break up.

The fact she is talking about your eventual split suggests she doesn't have any faith in your relationship and is therefore trying to create a situation that meets her needs and wants.

It doesn't actually sound like the child is being considered at all in this (from her pov not yours)

I had similar problems with my ex MIL when my children were small. She was horrified i was putting them into nursery when I went back to work. Insisted on having them herself. I agreed to 1 day a week as I liked the nursery and felt it was good for them but didnt want to offend MIL by saying outright no. Taking my DD to MIL was a pain - 40 mins out of my way, nursery on the way. Anyway, I did it and gradually she became unreliable, would cancel last minute or ask me to pick her up early so she could get her hair cut or meet a friend. And obviously nursery can't always accommodate extra days so it was an eternal pain. After that we had two more children and I vowed never to use family for regular childcare. I much prefer to pay someone so I don't have to feel guilt/beholden to them.

Stick to your guns, say if she'd like to have your child once a month (or less frequently if you like), she can pick a random day and you can take her out of nursery for the day (the nursery won't care as long as they're paid and you would be paying anyway - so try not to be bothered by the cost).

And of course, your potential custody arrangements in a hypothetical separation are none of her concern.

Everything you have described here is normal and reasonable and the MIL should not expect anything different

Also, when people offer help and you turn it down, if they get upset then it’s not help, it’s control. There is a difference.

I just cannot see how it would work, apart from the ridiculousness of it.

She going to what leave home at 530 to got to you for 730 so you have time to do handover and get the other kids to school? When would she leave to come back? The baby would likely fall asleep on the drive cocking up bedtime?

I wouldn't even offer the one day a month tbh, unless she comes to you.

Carry on the grandparent relationship as you have been. This won't 'help' you in any way.

Is he married to his mother or you?!

@cj2796 I meant make it his problem.
If he wants his DM to have the baby,he has to do the leg work.
After all it's his mother.

This. You are absolutely not being unreasonable; you are not obliged to give your MIL your baby on your one day off!!
Just tell her it doesn’t work for you unfortunately, but offer another time that does suit you.

She can change her day off if it means that much to her.

Well he can do it whenever his day off is.

"Selfish with the baby" - what utter nonsense. Never heard anything like it!

I am sorry you are saddled with this difficult unsupportive OH and pain in the arse MIL. I say this as a MIL!!

Rescind the day a month. She's being nuts.

Offer to come on a nursery day and watch baby in house if she changes her day off.

You can't change your days off because a Friday is often a school holiday (in Scotland anyway).

That's more helpful to you.

That way she won't let you down with holidays etc and baby not in car for 4 hours each week.

Trust me, there will be !!

Refuse and insist your DP supports you in this. Ridiculous.

Perhaps point out to her that if you and your DH separate, as he is a largely absent parent, the court is going to agree that you need to have the bulk of access and at that point, you will be under no obligation whatsoever to consider her at all during YOUR contact time.

Stop trying to find ways to appease your mil. You do what works for you and your children. Your dh works long hours and works away so the majority of childcare and everything else is on you.

if dp wants to keep his mum happy then he needs to find a way when he is at home to do this.

mil sounds very critical of you and your parenting eg sending your child to nursery etc, I bet her ds(boy wonder ) has the sun shining out his arse because he “works away and works so hard for his family” .

I’ve met those kinds of mils before!

Yep. Methinks mummy in law is in for a nasty shock if a break up does come to pass. As a grandparent she has absolutely no right of access, so I think she will be the one having to get used to things as dictated by OP - an actual parent !! If I were OP I don’t think I would be able to resist pointing that out to her when radio silence is broken !!