MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

For the record, if he wanted 50/50 but then won’t actually be providing that care himself that makes a massive difference to the courts. They won’t uproot a young child away from their nursery/ school/ mother/ family two hours away every week so an uncle or grandmother can do the childcare. So I would say he’s absolutely dreaming and it’s quite shocking how he apparently had that figured all out.

The word "compromise" has no business in this conversation.

It would be relevant if you wanted MIL to have the baby and MIL wanted to have the baby but you didn't agree when.

It's absolutely irrelevant when MIL wants something you don't want.

I can't understand these Grans who are desperate to have baby on their own. A nice Gran would maybe offer to pop over on your day off and all ha e luch together etc, or travel to have baby at your house if needed. Forget these 4 hour round trips then going to work or whatever

My MIL has also said that if DP and I were to split up I would have to relinquish time with LO and “get used to it”

For that comment alone I'd tell her to do one.

She's not trying to help.

To help is to make it easier or possible for (someone) to do something by offering one's services or resources.

Her help isn't making anything easier or possible and nor is shellfish or causing friction in your relationship.

You don't need nor do you want her help.

I would say..
Thank you for your kind offer but it doesn't work for me.

If DH has a problem then he can accommodate his mum but I wouldn't reduce her hours at nursery, change your working week or give up your 1:1 time.

Your MIL is manipulative and bonkers. What is best for the baby is to be enjoying your days off with you. What is not best for the baby is 4 hours in a car to appease an adult who should know better that to expect it. This is the thin edge of a very fat wedge. MIL has no rights; put your foot down !

1. Your baby is not a possession
2. If she was a possession, she belongs to you, not MIL!

You've been more than reasonable, if she can't accept that it's her problem.

My MIL was exactly the same as yours OP and I found it devastating how often she tried to take my baby off me. All under the guise of "helping" even when I was firm I didnt want her to take DC away. It still upsets me now.

One thing I will say is that I firmly said no - or just ignored her requests - but never caused an all out argument about it. I also got my DH to support my wishes.

Now my DC is a toddler. She still adores DC and tries to play mummy... But it doesn't work because DC will push past her to get a hug from me, shout "mummy!" constantly. Bring me toys, flowers etc even when MIL tries to divert her and say DC wants to give them to her, not me.

I also think PIL have realised a toddler is exhausting and actually after a day with us they're shattered and don't want her overnight. When DC was a baby the requests for overnight were CONSTANT - but I never agreed to them.

So basically, this won't be a long term arrangement. It's devastating - but if you want to keep the peace, stand your ground or just, frankly, ignore her. I'd send a white lie to shut her up, something like:

"Thank you, it's so lovely you want to help. Unfortunately DC has just started becoming violently carsick. The doctors have said to limit her time in the car as it could be dangerous for choking at her age. So I'm not comfortable with her spending so long in the car. Happy for you to come and see her at weekends at ours of course. Hope you're keeping well"

Hate to go "lawyer" on this (I'm not a family lawyer!) but I agree with some comments that she's potentially setting up the post-breakup routine and the baby knowing her house and being comfortable staying over.

I think saying she's trying to obtain grandparent rights is perhaps too far.

I think you should focus on working on things with your partner and stay positive BUT the fact he knows in detail how he'd arrange things if you broke up? I don't know my BILs work schedule and he's been with my sister since I was 18. Men don't pay that much attention - to have worked out in detail when MIL/FIL and SIL/BIL would have her 100% smells like he's spoken to them about this IF it were to happen. It's hard when you involve family in relationship troubles then go back to working on the relationship because they don't then see all the good times, they just remember all the complaining you did. Hence why despite a previously good relationship, MIL is now randomly suggesting you're being difficult? Don't let it spoil your relationship, but keep an eye on that.

Seems very straightforward to me.
You absolutely do not change your days, this is your day with your baby. If she is so fussed, SHE is the one that can change her days.
So, you have her every friday (or whatever day it is you have), and MIL can have her on Thursdays (or whatever). If you will lose the nursery place, then you need to keep paying for the 4 days, and it also gives you cover if MIL can't turn up or whatever. I think on that one you are being churlish saying no, if MIL is able to move her days. You would be paying for that anyway, and family is always better than nursery in my book, unless there is something wrong with the person!

Overnights without parents would be a no from me until the child is at least 18 months old, if not older (basically, until they stop breastfeeding and needing that emotional support in the night).
The stuff about 'if you separate' is really mean and irrelevant at this stage - so I would shut that down straight away. Maybe a judge would grant you full custody, or he would only get weekends or whatever, and would have to give time to his parents from that!

I didn't think there was such a thing as grandparents rights?

There are no formal grandparent rights at all

She's controlling and domineering by the sounds of it. Your husband sounds used to her getting her own way all the time. He needs to back you up. Of course priority should be for the baby to have quality time with their mum over the grandparents!! Also, if you split then the custody arrangements are between the PARENTS and what is in the best interests of the child. Ignore her, she sounds like a bully also, trying to scare you into thinking that you have to do what she says. She sounds a bit toxic....

I'd tell MIL/DP that the court won't give 50/50 to a man who is away 99% of the time. Contact time is what's best for the child, not the grandparents.

See how the twat likes that.

We were very close with my grandparents and they didn't have us fixed dates each week - she's being dramatic. My nephew lives 2 hours away and he LOVES my fiancé and I, even though we sadly have a once a month max visits with him. She'll live!!

She sounds like she planned herself to go part time to spend her day off doing this (when it suits her and not for your benefit) without asking anyone first. Failure to plan on her part isn't your problem!

She is obviously out of the loop with how expensive and hard it is to find a good nursery and that they need commitment on certain days. Don't change your plans for her and remind your husband (1) you aren't being unreasonable and (2) in light of there not being a "good or bad guy" here, he should take your side and support you given you're the default parent and your reasons are reasonable (though no and "just because" is a full sentence!!

If you do split up with your DP you may find that he does not end up having much contact with your baby unless he can align his days off with contact days. Courts like stability and consistency and do not expect children to be made available for contact on a shift workers ever changing days off.

Is it possible that your MIL is aware of this and is trying to establish regular time with your baby so she can potentially claim ‘grandparents rights’ later on if you do split?

And the DH. He should have put his foot down with his mother long ago. As it is he just seems to relay messages and shrug his shoulders. Totally not good enough.

😂 Best comment of the whole thread

Tell her to do one!! It's YOUR child and you make the decisions. You have no explanation, no justification....do what YOU want! I have a terrible MIL and I have done all I possibly could to have a good relationship. I gave up when I realised she was just too selfish and she wasn't making the effort. (It helps that she's an 8hr flight away). Don't feel bad for saying no

Send her a link to buy a reborn doll

I would ignore a 2 hour journey once a week is not doable or reasonable. Once a month is plenty.

Do people really behave like this, if so they are in danger of not seeing their gc at I would have thought.

that's what I mean