MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

@BogRollBOGOF you beat me to it! A lot of the time selfish means: you aren’t doing exactly what l want, when l want it. Which is just one of things in life. She is very out of order, l suggest you ask you partner to put her back in box or you will do it. Your child = your rules. 4 hours round trip is a lot for a baby. Plus why do you have to do the changing of the work days etc. Your MIL and partner don’t seem willing to this themselves

Too bad. Buy her a Baby Alive for Christmas.

I wouldn't worry at all OP. Even if she looked after baby every single week, she lives too far away when baby starts school. No court is going to force a child to drive 2 hours after school to visit Grandma for a couple of hours or put a baby in a car for four hours, missing out on much needed time with Mum. If your partner wants 50/50 he needs to find a suitable job close to your child's school and nursery so HE can parent his child. He needs to grow up. It sounds like you have your side sorted financially OP, but I'd be asking him whether he is ready to grow up and support you or separate. Stand firm.

I said he'd have to pay child support, hence where the "well I'm going to have 50/50 and this is how I'll do it" thing came from.

But he knew he wouldn't be able to fulfil 50/50.

I think this indication that he would resent paying for his child should make you treat him with suspicion.

Don't put him on your mortgage.

Make sure he pays his share of everything, don't go easy on him.

I don't get why I'm being guilted and called selfish and I don't want to massively put myself out, change my arrangements that work for my family, and my baby, cause myself extra stress, just so my MIL can have "alone time" every week with MY child?!?

Because she is pushing your boundaries and being manipulative.

This clearly doesn't work for you. There is no way in hell I would have let my MIL or anyone, really, take my baby for two hour drives on a regular basis. Just from a purely statistical point of view it's putting the baby at risk unnecessarily, and imagine if something happened (this is my thinking, not saying it's normal, but I really didn't like being separated from my babies when they were little.)

Making comments about your relationship is also well and truly a boundary crossing for me. She needs to back off. You aren't getting anywhere being reasonably so it's time to be extremely firm and pull up your own boundaries.

She needs to be a grandmother which means supporting you and the baby, not trying to take over and certainly not telling you you're the selfish one - it's your baby, your life, your arrangements with three children and a job to balance. She's being utterly ridiculous and I would not budge an inch.

My spidey sense are now tingling that the reason she is so desperate for this is to establish a pattern of care in the event of a split. Otherwise why would she be unhappy about 1 day a month? I've also offered for her to join us on some of my days off for soft play or toddler group. But the focus is very much on being "alone" with DD.

I think your spidey senses are spot on. I wouldn't even fix one day a month - I'd keep it fluid and not too often. She can stuff her 'alone' time.

You beat me to it!!!! I was going to suggest this. I'm not even joking 😂

I'm honestly so outraged on your behalf while also relieved to hear you're standing your ground and are in a secure place financially and professionally. I had a very domineering MIL and her 'help' was exactly like you're describing - nothing practical at all, only cuddles with her grandson and an endless amount of Instagram posts (which I explicitly objected to - I've never even posted a pic of him on social media myself!) For the record it sounds like you're handling everything perfectly despite the pressure she and your partner are putting on - I'm in awe!

The modern meaning of selfish is ironic: "you're selfish for not indulging my unreasonable demands"

Her requests are not practical so that's a no. You have a set up that works for you.

Is she likely to sabbotage the relationship? She certainly doesn't seem to have benign intents, so be careful with any information she could weponise.

"Grandparents rights" are not a thing. In the event of a split, that's for the parent to facilitate in their own time.

At least she's conveniently distanced from you which reduces her scope for practical interference.

Do you want to be with him still?

If he claims to be aware and grateful that you run the household while he works away then he doesn't get to tell you how to do that. He either fits in and supports you or leaves.

Why is he so keen not to upset his parents but is OK with them upsetting you?

It is not your job to facilitate contact with your parents in law and your grand children. You are already doing them a favour by meeting half way etc. in your shoes I would say they can come down any time they want over the weekend and leave it at that. . If you separated, then you and your DH would work out a custody plan and with him working away I imagine it would be mostly you and with video calls and the occasional weekend/holiday. It is for your DH to facilitate contact then too, it's not your job.

They’re deluded. Contact time is to facilitate his time with his child, not to farm them out to family members because he’s not available. No court is going to award 50/50 to him on the basis you describe. And the distance involved would cause havoc with schooling. It’s just nonsense.

I have four grandchildren, aged 5 and 8 with one daughter and 6 and 9 with our other daughter.
when the first baby was due we said we’d cover child care one day a week, expecting more children to follow, as they did. Our ‘baby’ day soon included 4. As they grew, we did nursery/preschool/primary pick up. I’m still doing one day a week school pick up and ‘emergencies’.
We are very ordinary in our friendship group in helping out. Child care so expensive and it’s so good to have ongoing time with them as they grow.

your mil is being totally unreasonable. If she wants to help she’d arrange that on another day. Accusing you of being selfish with your baby is bonkers and nasty.

grandparents have no legal rights. Children have rights, adults duties and responsibilities. Have I picked up that your relationship is wobbly? I’d be cautious that she may be trying to establish a pattern of your baby spending regular time so if your relationship folds she can offer her home as the continuity place.
Grannies usually dote on their grandchildren. There’s a difference between doting and unrealistic, selfish expectations.

This with bells on.

I wish I'd had the confidence to say this to my MIL when I had my first.

OP, from what it sounds like, you're got your life and your time sorted and it's working for you.

Under no circumstances should you change this to suit your MIL.

Stick to your guns. Your daughter will thank you when she's older.

Enjoy your time with her! They're only little for a short time x

I’m pretty sure he would not get 50% custody if he’s not going to be there to give the care himself!

Is he a sportsperson or something?

She’s being ridiculous. He can take a day off work himself and share that with his Mum.

The baby is much better off being with you than his Mum on that day.

If she wants surely she can change her own day off, and drive to you to pick up the baby and spend some time with the baby near to where you live/ at your house?

Is the split still hypothetical or something that is likely to happen? If you do split and he still pursues 50/50 then he can do as he wishes in terms of childcare on those days he has her. It's his responsibility to get her to school and clubs etc.

As it stands, your mil demanding days in order to prepare you for a split makes me wonder if he's preparing for a split you're not aware of?

Just what kind of partner is he, if he works away 99% of the time? That does not sound like a partnership to me, and he does not get to second guess you from a distance.
Your decisions stand, and don't fall over yourself to accomodate MIL

"My DP is insisting that they just want to help..."
Well its not helpful, its not kind, its not what the baby needs. Its bullying.

Reply to H.
"I want to spend time with her, Me, her Mother
I am far from happy she envisions driving baby home weekly after 4 hours driving in the am. & a day caring for her, then drive back in the rush hour & dark in winter, with another 2 to get home.
8 hours ridiculous.
She will not be having her overnight.
It doesn't work. & now she's manipulating you, when you're not even around most of the time to understand the logistics. You need to have my back.
She'll have to suck it up.
I am not talking about this any more"