Ex wife situation

Your timeline seems quite tight… he left her four years ago and you’ve been together for over three? It seems likely that you were on the scene if not actively involved with him when he left her. To me that paints this in a completely different light… of course she is never going to accept your relationship or see it in a more respectful light. You didn’t respect her marriage or their family together.

To be honest, when adding a man with the past and children, I would expect the previous relationship to be over by the time we start dating and most communications between exes to be about children. I don't think anyone goes into a relationship thinking OP's scenario is normal and to be expected.

It’s totally inappropriate of her, but there is no point in challenging it or trying to “bring things to a head” if your DH can ignore the messages without them bothering him. And since they don’t sound abusive, that’s probably reasonably easy for him. If he can manage it, that is by far the easiest way to handle it with the least chance of it interfering with his relationship with his kids.

Bringing things to a head or responding to her at all, just gives her power.

(Abusive in a nasty/critical way, obviously that they are inappropriate is abusive in a sort of way).

No you aren’t being unreasonable. Most
people would i think find that hard to stomach. I suspect it’s not so much the fact she sends these communications but his response which bugs you most. She clearly has issues - but it’s him ‘not shutting it down’ that’s the problem.
How would you feel asking him directly why he doesn’t, and how he would feel if the situation were reversed?

It may well be that he just wants to preserve reasonable relations so as not to risk access to his children but maybe understanding his thought process and ultimately getting reassurance that he no longer has any feelings for her would
help make it more tolerable.

I empathise because my DHs has little flashes of getting like this every now and again - she ended the relationship but has remained single despite dating and I think she regrets the split. Like your DP, mine ignores it which I know objectively is the right thing to do for the children but I really hate and wish he would say something. I just focus on the fact that this is her issue, not mine. It’s really hard!

Her being ignored is the best response he can give.

I’ve been in this exact situation where my ex kept doing exactly this to me. We have kids together so the only reason I have contact otherwise I’d have blocked them. I only ever responded to appropriate communication about kids. I never responded to anything else. Silence is golden sometimes. I think your partner is doing exactly the right thing, not encouraging but taking control of what he responds to, that is where the power is, and he’s been very open with you about it. At the end of the day they have kids together and keeping it civil will benefit them.

Your husband is doing the right thing by ignoring her. Any reaction will feed the beast.

Don’t get involved and don’t tell her DP.

Are they divorced?

I am in a very similar situation and my husband goes between telling her it’s inappropriate to ignoring and even though in the moment him responding and telling her it’s inappropriate feels better, we have found that the best response is to ignore. She sent him a handwritten letter on Christmas Day and he just handed it straight to me. It’s such an odd desperate way to act.

I think your OH is doing the right thing
A. He is not responding to her messages
B. He is telling you about the messages
I can understand him not saying anything also because he’s thinking about the kids is she the type that would spite him and stop him seeing the kids even temporarily if he bluntly told her to stop messaging and to move on I understand it’s frustrating for you but he’s trying to keep the peace and trying to uphold his relationship with his children I know it’s not right or fair but he’s juggling the situation best he can and is communicating with you.

My now late partner and I had the same same thing with his ex wife. Moving to New Zealand, she's got cancer, kids hate me ....Zzzz!
Do what we did. Ignore it. She'll soon buzz off!

As long as he keeps your informed whats going on I wouldn't rock the boat for the kids sake.

To be fair, it's absolutely nothing to do with you. It's his choice how he chooses to deal with the situation, it's one he's decided on to protect the relationship with both his ex wife, who could make things truly difficult, and his children. Butt out, you chose a man with a past and children, what did you expect? you need to deal with it.

I would be pissed off with her too. It’s totally inappropriate. Says a lot more about her than him.

Your DH is doing the right thing though. He is being open with you and ignoring her. If he replies, it will open a line of communication and this is not a discussion he is interested in.

Keep silent and give her nothing. Any reaction will be a good reaction in her mind. She will know she has got in your heads.

I think him being open with you about the messages is a very good sign.

It would be alot worse if he was responding and agreeing with her.
She's probably hoping you'll see the messages and cause tension I can imagine it's annoying af but don't react as that's what she wants. He's probably being silent so she can't twist his words.

I'm not anything but single but in a situation like this I would take myself out of the equation trusting my partner would handle the problem effectively... OW doesn't mean anything more or have any more status or privilege than OP, loyalty n love is the same but it does if she an X and she the X wife for a reason

What the actual fuck?

This woman is inappropriate. But she isn’t an animal and it’s not partners job to muzzle or leash a partner to stop a behave their partners ex, new partner doesn’t like. It’s an appalling way to talk about a person.

@Parker57 i think ignoring it is best. They have kids. Your partner isn’t responding. You know about the messages so he isn’t hiding it. Creating drama is just giving her the attention she is looking for and makes things more difficult when trying to co parent. Acknowledging it will only end in more drama.

Agree. Your partner is doing the right thing to simply ignore them, considering there are children involved. He shouldn’t feed the behaviour in any way – negatively or positively. The ex is hardly reasonable and logical anyway, considering she is doing is, so responding logically likely will not have the desired effect.

YANBU for disliking it however.

You dp doing the best response ignoring the messages. No way say anything as it blow up and effect the children.

Were you the OW OP?

I too agree that by ignoring her messages is dealing with them, without causing unnecessary drama for the welfare of his children. Clearly he's not interested in her or her mischief making. He's with you, not her. Hold your nerve, this will hopefully pass when she's bored of no reaction.

I think he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's clearly inappropriate behaviour from the ex wife and it's also disrespectful to her current partner and you. If her actions now are indicative of her as a whole - she is unhinged to be doing this after 3 years. I imagine your partner does not want to rock the boat or light the fuse. I would believe him when he says he is doing it for the children.

I agree with the above poster that he is using the grey rock technique. Do not acknowledge, do not respond. The fact he is telling you, although hurtful, is showing be is being open and honest about the situation.