Friends with money

Blimey. Our focus has always been on the fun we have together. We once stayed with friends who have a property set in ten acres. The best fun all the kids had was being allowed to play outside in the rain in their swimming costumes and get caked in mud, followed by using an excess of bubble bath in the jacuzzi style bath the five of them shared afterwards. Fifteen years later, they still remember it fondly, not for the wealth of our friends, but for the joy they had. And they had as much fun playing cards on a wet afternoon in a tent on various camping holidays. Focus on giving your kids attention and doing things together.

And understand that not all fun needs rain!

You're right OP, it's a tough one.

We are the poorer ones compared to son's friends at school then uni. He never wanted to invite friends back as he was ashamed of our house.

Now it's motivating him to work hard, because he wants the luxury he sees his friends have. So I guess that is a positive.

I don't think there is any easy answer. Your child either is bothered by this or he isn't. Depends if he's material or not I guess. One of ours is, the others not so bothered.

Aside from all of the excellent advice - why not either pool money and hire a holiday home together, or go somewhere completely different to them?

I would find it stranger to have friends stay right near by but in accommodation of either a much higher or lower standard.

We always do this if travelling with others, we don’t discuss it openly but we just sort of ‘meet in the middle’ so that the holiday is the same for all.

That wasn't a stealth brag. It was completely relevant to the thread.

As parents we never, ever poke fun or talk down about other people's possessions or talk up or worship at the other end of the spectrum.

We stamped very hard on understandable comments like 'i wouldn't like to live there' giving lots of reasons why or how people make it work. getting started in life, go away every weekend, close to family, a home is about the people, etc and that most people, in most places, with most incomes work equally as hard.

And I guess we went the other way with richer friends - it takes work and/or luck, and choices. they choose to put a lot of resources into holidays but maybe not something else we value, we all make choices, etc

So basically don't gossip about other people's stuff in front of the kids but build an awareness about the complex web that work and good or bad fortune can create.

We also like the examples of races were kids are ask to step forward or back at the start line according to divorce, skin tone, health, and random items then set off to the finish. That really makes you appreciate your good fortune.

I have 2 neighbours who have kids similar ages to mine, they all play together but neighbours are millionaires. (Massive houses, pool, Lamborghini's, their season ticket to football costs more than my salary)

I few times recently we've found DS6 sat under his bed sobbing because he doesn't have the things they do or get to go places they go to. Their kids get stuff whenever they want & have no respect for what they have.

I've encouraged play dates with other kids, we go out & do cheaper days out but it's hard. They are too young to understand some people just have more money but at 6 it's a hard lesson to learn.

Overthinking it, I just tell Dd we can’t afford stuff but thats fine, she’s still very lucky compared to lots of other people in many ways not just material.

It’s straight to the point and honest. She can feel however she wants about that but I can’t magic up money.

You’re overthinking. I’d probably be quite honest and just tell him that you can’t afford that level of holiday home and then focus on the lovely life you do have. I don’t think kids really have any damage from seeing what wealth looks like unless they have poverty and lack of love and stability for themselves.

Seriously?? You think I need to “brag” (hardly stealthily if you want to read it as bragging) on an anonymous online forum where no one has a clue who I am?? WTF would be the point?? I was giving enough context to answer the OP’s post.

Nice stealth brag…!

I grew up in poverty and I remember feeling left out well, however, I also always had a sense of family finances so knew that I couldn't really assertively ask for anything even at that age. Maybe your son doesn't quite have the grasp of money and the disparity between your comfortable income and the amount of money that is needed for the upgrade.
From that perspective, I think showing him "the other side" might just do the trick. I would start engaging in volunteering as a family. Maybe a soup kitchen or a food bank a couple of the times a month. But keep it light and in the spirit of helping people with less, rather than using it as a lecturing opportunity.
I think it is disingenuous to say money doesn't matter. It does. But you should also tell him that he is welcome to strive to earn higher salary as an adult. I think involving kids in budgeting is also great as it allows them to conceptualise money better. I know that my youngest cousin went through a similar stage and it wasn't until he started using his own stipend to buy food while living with our elderly grandmother that he really got it.

I think you’re overthinking and projecting. He’s six. He’s just expressing preferences - of course he likes the big fancy house. He doesn’t understand what it costs or different incomes. He was probably perfectly happy with his holiday - you can take a kid to an adventure playground and they’ll have a great time but if you show them a picture of Disneyland and they’ll probably still go “wow I want to go there”.

He doesn’t need lots of long talks, he’s not emotionally mature enough yet. I’d say he needs to see you and the other adults around him modelling the values you want - contentment and enjoying what you have. And he needs to be friends with and spend time with kids from a more normal economic background more like his own - presumably he gets that at school and other activities.

Agree, you are overthinking. We were the people with slightly more money, big house with pool and tennis court etc in this scenario. My now young adult kids usually preferred other peoples’ houses to ours for completely random reasons - generally they would see one thing they loved (a cat/dog, a particular toy, a food they ate, a swing - you get the picture) and not see anything else. They were completely unaware of any material discrepancy until well into their teens.

Suspect you are overthinking it - your DS is 6. If he prefers the other house it might be for some innocuous reason - like the sweets he had when we was there or what they watched on TV. I think 6 is way too young to understand the concept of money or wealth or privilege. A quick “that house costs more pennies than mummy and daddy have” is probably enough and it will likely be quickly forgotten. No need to show him dire poverty etc!