Friends with money

@Catza I grew up in poverty and I remember feeling left out well, however, I also always had a sense of family finances so knew that I couldn't really assertively ask for anything even at that age.

I love this comment. While I didn't grow up in poverty, my mum didn't work, so with three kids and one income, money was tight.

We never had holidays abroad, like some people- we always stayed in UK. We were always behind with "technology" (only getting a colour TV in the late 80s, when everyone else was onto video recorders). Our house wasn't posh.

But then even from a very early age I was aware that some families didn't have cars, or telephones, or automatic washing machines, or freezers (we had all that), some houses were never as clean as ours, some never saw much of their parents as they both worked (which I knew allowed them to have more & better "things"), and two families I knew didn't have mums as theirs had died young.

I don't know how the concept of give & take and action & consequence in that context was instilled in me, but it really was.

That reminds me how much I coveted my friends having shop bought cakes! My mum wouldn't have dreamed of ever buying them. She cooked or baked everything from scratch.
I was in heaven when my friends' mums served up Mr Kipling french fancies!

My closest mum friends had money. Horses and a lovely houses, trips to US Disney (back in the very early 90s), private schools. Their DH's were away from home a lot though (or even if in the country, didn't get home from London until after the kids bedtimes). In one case the kids' school was a half hour drive away from home, and my friend bemoaned that her children had no local friends to have playdates with.

I only recall my two commenting once, but I said that their friends probably wished that they had daddys like theirs, who had time to play with them and read them bedtime stories. And mentioned the boys who didn't have friends outside school to play with like they did.

Everyone's lives are different, and though not everyone can find pluses to their rich friends' minuses, if they're there, it's worth pointing them out to your kids.

Why shouldn’t people be proud of having a top notch lifestyle?

I loved my friends house when I was young because their sofa was squashy and ours wasn’t and her mum bought findus crispy pancakes and pies that we were allowed to cook in the oven ourselves

hi op!

yeap. Tough one.
honestly, transparency is the best I think. They have stuff you won’t have. You have stuff they won’t have. Stuff doesn’t have to be material…
maybe try to get away from what is material (if he can never « win » there) and go create the bigger pic of what you thrive for/try to emulate in your lo’s life? that would create the value you are looking for.

as in terms of talking about money, he isn’t too young to hear that others may have more than him and it is ok. That you guys work hard for him and that it is expected for him to be grateful for this so « thank you » is all you want. It could also be a good starting convo about how to deal with money and « how you got to have all these stuff he enjoys… » and that it will be up to him to create that financially safe place for his future children…etc…

good luck 🌺

A simple 'we can't afford that, we want to spend our money on xxx instead' is enough.

Absolutely, no 6 year old money worships, I’m agog the op even wrote that. She’s clearly feeling a certain way and projecting onto her own kid and taking it out on him. All the little boy said was he wanted to stay in that house next time, fair enough, most kids, and adults likely would.

There is nothing wrong with being told the very simple truth. “Sorry but I cannot afford that”.

I heard it lots growing up, it was important for me to understand that concept.

I think it’s odd that you went on holiday with a family who stayed in a completely different place to yours.

I’m also surprised he is so money aware at the age of 6 and the other poster who said her son was crying under the bed. Is he really conscious yet that other people are richer than his family? I would definitely play it down and reinforce how lucky you are that you have all the basics that you need.

What everyone else said. You’re projecting. And no, don’t do some kind of poverty tourism safari to a food bank to teach him about ‘dire poverty’. Inequality isn’t there to be a teaching opportunity for your six year old.

Is there a typo here, no 6 year old meets friends for coffees, and no six year old worships money. It’s not possible. They may want the nice stuff money can buy, but that’s not worshipping money.

He's not 'worshipping money' - he's seeing things that look great/fun and wanting them, nothing to do with their cost. I think you're being hard on him really, you're choosing to holiday with people who have access to higher cost resources which is providing the contrast for your kid, either explain it honestly or don't holiday with them.

Trying to get him to feel like 'money doesn't matter' when it's not money he's interested in but the more toys/swimming pool etc is just unfair. if they had a £1 tub of bubbles and he didn't he would want it, he's just a kid.

I think you're projecting on to him a bit, it's making you feel a certain way and you're annoyed at yourself for feeling that way so you're over correcting him. Nothing wrong with him wanting it, but he can also enjoy what he does have without feeling guilt for also appreciating bigger shinier things.

I've said to my kids in the past 'oh well if you want a swimming pool in your garden/pony etc you'll have to make sure you get a really good job one day so you can have that' normally they then say never mind 😂

I agree you're overthinking. The house sounds amazing, of course your DS would prefer to stay in it. You don't need to go further than "we can't afford that".

We live close to my DSis, and her family has a lot more money than us. It usually doesn't come up, but when it does (such as why we're never going to be going to Lapland like his cousins) DS1(5) is pretty accepting of the fact that we can't afford it and some people have more money than others.

He gets pocket money, which I think helps his conception of money a bit.

"Sorry, but we don't have enough money to pay for that. If we spent all our money on big holiday accommodation, we wouldn't have enough money leftover to pay the bank for when we bought our house or for food and toys."

This! You need to tell him some people have more money than you, but also that some people have less. Keep it simple.

BTW I also think it's a bit weird that your friends stayed in a mansion while you stayed elsewhere.

Me too.

I think the OP should have gone with different friends, rather than stay 'Palace adjacent' with her child 😁

I tried explaining that money isn’t really what matters in life but that went very much over his head.

That's because you should have told the truth and simply said "They have a lot more money than us, therefore they can afford much more expensive things".

You can't make your child mix with people who have 'serious amounts of money', and not explain this 🤷‍♀️

My kids are a bit older and they go to school with children from all sorts of backgrounds. I think in your shoes I would encourage playing with and including kids from all backgrounds if at all possible. With an emphasis on the people rather than on what they have. Also be careful how you talk about wealth etc and be careful not to idolise it. I remember walking along the road with a few friends and our kids who were about 5 or 6 at the time. One friend stopped at her car and loaded her child in and my other friend's child looked on in disgust and said loudly 'eugh that car is really old and small'. Her mother was mortified 😆😆😆. My advice is, you can absolutely talk about the difference between things and circumstances but perhaps not in terms of something being better than something else.

BTW I also think it's a bit weird that your friends stayed in a mansion while you stayed elsewhere.

Another vote for over-thinking at that age. Easier said than done but it would be great, over time, for DS to meet people from a range of backgrounds. Sport, church^ etc. often allow this kind of mixing.

^ other religions are available!

Fwiw i thought it was unnecessary and mean spirited to call it a stealth brag. You offered context and reassured OP.

Society is far too materialistic nowadays. I honestly think people were happier when nobody had anything.
As a child our next door neighbours had a bit more money than us, Dad was a self employed tradesman, I remember being envious because their daughter had a Skipper doll and I wanted one. I didn't bother even asking my mother because it would be a big fat no, or you'll have to wait till Christmas. I never did get that Skipper doll 😅
It does children no harm to realise that they can't have everything they want, despite the fact that some do seem to, but that having everything your heart desires doesn't necessarily make you happy!!

Why is a 6 year old meeting friends for coffees

Ironically, my 6 year old asked if we were rich last night (we are not but comfortable enough to afford things we need without struggling)
My view is that if the discrepancy gets too vast and it impacts him badly I would try and make friends with others with the same means as you. Even as adults, we tend to cluster around people with the same means as it makes things less awkward.
For example I used to hang out with some ladies who were into fine dining spending £150 per head on a meal and I don’t like spending that kind of money on eating out. Also designer handbags was a thing for them at the time and I didn’t have one then. Here I was with my £10 hand bag and they were flaunting their £2k Chanel bag. It just meant we had different priorities and means so it fizzled out and now I’m friends with friends of similar means to me.

Ask what he liked about the house, because it probably isn't just size.

My 6 year old is aware of costs from his pocket money, and they even count money in school in year 1. So I do think your child should be able to understand about affordability if you explain it. You don't need to drag him into a refugee camp and discuss starvation for him to get the point that if you have £750 then you can spend it all on one night or go cheaper and have a week.