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Original poster

Partner applying for job with travel while wanting to start a family

330 replies

Milmilj · 11/07/2024 07:38

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, moved in together and are thinking of starting a family. He's the one who has approached the topic of children and is desperate to start a family. Admittedly I’ve felt I would rather wait a little longer having just got a little promotion at work - plus he doesn’t want to marry for another few years and I want some time to get used to that idea of having children before marriage.

He has an interview for a job that will require him to travel abroad from time to time. At the moment we are unsure how often it will be but I can’t help but feel anxious and upset he has gone for the job without much discussion - especially when he is the one talking about babies. In his current job, he works away 3 days a month and he isn’t very passionate about it. I have to travel nearly an hour to work from home every day, so I just worry about the logistics of managing bringing up young children in an environment like this.

I guess I am asking: how has it worked out for others? I feel awful to ask, but is my partner being selfish? Am I being selfish? For the most part he will be working from home. I don't want to risk my own career… what if a child is ill when he’s away? Both of our parents still work and I wouldn’t want to assume the responsibility on them.

When I try to bring up such questions up he shuts down the conversation and says he needs to be in the headspace for the interview. I feel selfish for raising my concerns when it’s a job he clearly wants. But at the same time, I want the father of my children to be involved in raising them. I’m worried that while he is away I will struggle single parenting. We live in the middle of nowhere so help isn't just around the corner. Am I being too negative?

Thanks all.

OP posts:
Whatafustercluck · 11/07/2024 07:49

Working from home is a big positive as the dc get older and really helps if they need to be home for whatever reason. So don't discount that. But that's a few years away and he's unlikely to be in the same job by then. You are absolutely right to want a serious conversation about this. Too often, a woman's career is sacrificed when she has children, particularly when the husband is ambitious. Perhaps you should say that you need to ensure you factor in childcare costs, and practical arrangements, because you'll want to continue your career if/ when you have dc.

I also wouldn't be agreeing to have children with him before you're married. It's not an old fashioned view, it's about protecting yourself financially. If he's intent on going for this job, I think you'd be perfectly reasonable to say you won't be having dc until you're married, and you want to wait a few years to continue building your own career first.

Out of interest, why do you refer to your success as a 'little promotion'? This sets a tone of your job not being important, and reduces yourself to playing second fiddle to your dp's lofty ambitions. Be proud of your success, and change the tone of the narrative now before bad habits set in. Everything you do now is about setting the right tone for when you're married and have dc.

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 11/07/2024 07:48

Sorry to be blunt, but if a child is sick when your partner is away, you have to just deal with it yourself and hope you don’t get ill too. It will happen

SeeingRainbowsInTheGloom · 11/07/2024 07:48

He might be shutting down the conversation but that is a conversation that needs to be had. I'd explain that he will be responsible for drop offs and pickups half the week and organising nursery and wraparound care, and how is he going to do that?!

HappyVegemite · 11/07/2024 07:47

I think you’re perhaps not ready, feeling anxious and that’s causing you to worry about things that aren’t a problem so that you can avoid the real problem, which is you’d rather wait.
You’re not actively TTC, you aren’t pregnant. Worrying about a job that he doesn’t even have, for a baby that is strictly hypothetical, is a bit unreasonable. Fair enough to have a discussion and see whether you’re truly compatible with what your family life should ideally look like, but I think you’re unreasonable to be putting your anxiety on him when he’s focused on his job interview.

NewDay00 · 11/07/2024 07:45

I think at this stage you are being ridiculous. You're not pregnant, you don't know when you'll be pregnant. He will mostly be at home, and if it's no good once you are pregnant and you see how it works out then he can always change jobs then.