Partner applying for job with travel while wanting to start a family

So he owns the house, he earns more than you, and he is going to apply for an inflexible job that will mean he is away and unable to help with childcare.

OP, it will very quickly “just make sense” to him for you to give up work and be a SAHM (because clearly he doesn’t intend to change his lifestyle in any way when the baby is here). And then you will be absolutely fucked.

Totally agree.

It sounds like you'd be making all the compromises whilst he progresses in his career etc. Sod that.

SOOO many red flags here.

This is very simple. YOu are not ready for children. YOu are especially not ready to have children with a man who will be travelling for work. When he brings children up, you say, "I'm not ready yet, and especially not if you're not going to be around. Let's discuss it in a year or two".

However, I am very concerned about this high earning man who owns the house you live in who doesn't want to marry you but DOES want to have chidlren with you and who is very clearly setting you up to be primary carer. Do not have children with him unless you have some very clear financial support becuase you will have to take maternity leave and inevitably, you're the one who will have to cut hours if htat becomes an issue.

How do you split bills currently?

Good grief. Unless he will be working away more than 50% I wouldn’t see the issue. Even if he’s working from home, he won’t be caring for a child he’s working, and you’ll need childcare. Just wait till you feel ready to have them. You clearly don’t. You do realise that even though you might plan for how it will look once you have children and what childcare will be like, that life keeps changing and moving on. New jobs will happen even when you have children. Kids get ill. Childcare may not be suitable and you’ll need to rethink what that looks like. Loads of variables. Until you think you’re ready. Just don’t. Plus wanting children but not marriage is not a good sign to me. I’m probably in the minority here but I wouldn’t have had children before marriage. I would want to know we were loved and committed to one another first. Again. Just my opinion. Others will differ.

You’d be mad to have a baby with this man right now, it would make you so vulnerable, which I’m concerned might even be part of the appeal to him. You also seem very concerned with what he wants, as if he can’t be told no. Just put your foot down and say you are not going to have a baby until after you’re married and with a man who will actually be around to do 50/50 parenting, you’re not prepared for all the risk and sacrifice to fall to you. I bet he’d want the baby to have his name even though he won’t marry you too?

On another note, I hope you have some savings behind you in case he ever decides to kick you out of his house.

if it's no good once you are pregnant and you see how it works out then he can always change jobs then

So naïve! Does he sound like the sort of man who will do something he doesn’t want to do at his partner’s request.

This absolutely is the sort of thing that needs thrashing out before the OP is isolated with a baby while he’s off living his best life.

If he’s not ready to commit to you, then you’re not ready to have children.

If he doesn't want to marry you, don't have children with him. You NEED to protect yourself financially. Take it from me who was unmarried, I ended up homeless with my baby after splitting from my partner.

Focus on that first before the travel issues.

Alarm bells ringing OP. Since when has he been pressuring you to come off the pill? You are doing all of the compromising here aren't you? He won't get married, won't discuss practicalities, this isn't a good man.
It will only ever work if he is an equal 50/50 parent when he is around. Otherwise you end up with yet another mum absolutely on her knees trying to keep everything running 100% of the time while the man just does as he likes, when he likes.
You do not want a baby right now. Tell him this. If you are frightened of losing him then he will soon cotton on to that and that is not a good dynamic to get into.

First of all, dont be pressured into having children or coming off the pill until YOU are 100% ready. It's life changing, to say the least, once pregnancy and children are involved.

If marriage before children is important to you, then that needs to be discussed. I don't understand why he wouldn't want marriage first. Demonstrating his commitment before children and willingness to share financial security.

Also, I completely get where you're coming from. He should be able to sit down and have a frank discussion with you regarding children, marriage, and how the dynamics (financial outlook) may work if he's working away. I wouldn't just jump in head first without having this ironed out.

Him dismissing the conversation is him putting your very valid feelings on the back burner and not listening to your concerns regarding the future. This would be a red flag for me.

Raising kids, the new born stage, and even conceiving may be more difficult if he's working away more.

Reading between the lines, I get the feeling he's older than you(pressure to have children now), has more financial clout/assets (the reluctance to marry and contractually share asstes), dismissing feelings and discussions/fobbing you off (selfish and egocentric) It sounds like there's a power imbalance that needs to be ironed out.

Don't be a womb for rent. You need to want these things just as much and when you're ready.

Congratulations on your promotion. Don't ever refer to it as little. It's an achievement and something you have worked hard to attain. It should be celebrated

Ask yourself what is driving his enthusiasm for children before marriage? Is it that he'd like all the benefits of the little woman at home, with none of the commitment of marriage? Motherhood changes your life forever. Do not enter into it until you're 100% satisfied as to his commitment to you, and he demonstrates ability to discuss topics with you without "shutting them down". He's sounding less than ideal already. Assuming you're under 35 and you're not feeling time pressure.

How in God’s name does any man woo a woman by opening with “I’m totally against marriage”? What a charmer.

I think you probably want to carry on as you are for now, so his working away won’t have a major impact. I also think you’d prefer marriage, then children and he seems to prefer children and maybe not marriage at all. I wonder why he’s so keen to have one commitment and not the other. Doesn’t he realise that his life will have to change, or is he expecting you to do the childcare.

I don’t think you’re ready for that commitment. I don’t think he is either and unless he can commit to both you and children, I’d not be considering a family with him.

So in theory, him doing some travel and otherwise working from home is fine. And if you’re only thinking about trying, then it’s probably a year at least until you have a baby, then you have mat leave, plenty of time for him to do this job and move on if it doesn’t work.

What is not fine is:

• him refusing to get married before having kids. Why? The protection of marriage generally benefits whoever is more affected by having kids. Sounds like that’s you.
• him refusing to have a proper discussion about how a job like this would affect your family
• him pressuring you to have a baby while not engaging properly with your concerns.

I fail to see why you have to get used to the idea of having children before marriage when that's clearly not what you want. Why does he not have to get used to the idea of getting married sooner if starting a family is that significant to him?

Agree with PP.

Married is the ideal - financial and legal protection for you, potentially same name as child if you wish / family name. Shows a commitment on both parts.

The conversations must be had. If he’s not willing, he’s not ready.

As others have said, even with a supportive partner it’s HARD.

Only you know the specifics of your relationship but I’d be thinking twice at this point too.

How old are you?

If this is a job that he's really keen to get and it'll improve both your lives financially, I'd support him with this. If he gets it, you can then see how the travelling works out and the impact it has on you both just as a couple. Given you clearly aren't keen to have children yet and want to focus on your career, equally he needs to support you with this.

He needs to respect that having the security of marriage before kids is vastly preferable. And it gives you more time to work out whether you actually do want them. With regards to how things will work, I know a couple of families where the dads work on oil rigs, so they're away for weeks at a time - yes, it can be hard for the sole parenting parent to deal with it all, but equally single mothers/fathers have to do this day in and day out. It's all workable and you can still have an excellent career. The key thing is that your partner will need to willingly pull his weight when he is at home, which it sounds like he will be mostly.

If you want marriage with this man at all, I'll echo others here and say - marriage, THEN children. Not for any romantic or traditional nonsense, but the protection it offers you.

The fact he is pushing for kids like yhis now, but delaying marriage, is a tiny little bit of a red flag in my eyes.

You sound quite young.
You live in “the middle of nowhere”.

He wants you to be tied down to him by having his child but won’t marry you.

You say things like “little promotion”, belittling your own achievements. I wonder who planted that sort of language in your head? A supportive partner would be encouraging you to be proud of your career.

Sounds like he’s working on isolating you and attacking your self-esteem.

If he really loved you and treated you as an equal, he wouldn’t pressure you, you would both be talking about it calmly. It doesn’t sound like you want children yet and that’s fine.

I think the working abroad doesn’t matter too much, my friend regularly visits the states and her husband gets on with it no problems.

Can you move closer to your work, if he’s wfh or away then it would make sense for your commute to shorten (with or without children!).

Good for you op, it seems you've actually got a sensible hat on.
Your partner is want, want, want isn't he? Me, me, me. It is not good at all that he shuts you down, if he doesn't have the maturity to have an adult conversation yet, he doesn't have the maturity to be a father yet. Children are HARD. Really really hard. You need to be 💯 in the right place to start with to give you a fighting chance.
Stick to your guns here. You're not ready and that's fine. Carry on with your career. And, if the job situations are such that you will be a sahp whej you are ready, then get married first for your own protection, non negotiable.

This struck me too. We’ve been hanging out on MN for too long and seen this ending sadly too often!