Partner applying for job with travel while wanting to start a family

Hi just seen this! I did for a long time tbh. We’d talked about getting married and then he said he’d changed his mind but definitely wanted to be with me, wanted kids etc. I spent a while deciding if I could do it. I was very open about my feelings but wouldn’t force anyone to marry me.

And decided yes but my expectations of the relationship increased so was very clear that kids would have my name and that he would have to support us financially if I would make the sacrifices having children and working part-time.

He never wobbled at all and he has always looked after me financially (he’s not mega loaded) and it’s never been a question. I felt supported but I went into having kids because I wanted them with or without him so planned accordingly.

he supported me through uni pre kids so I have a vocation/career that means it’ll be easier to pick up full time work when kids are older/we split up and I’ve always worked to keep my experience up to date.

I had the mindset of expecting us to split up which I suppose people may think that isn’t healthy but to me it was sensible.
i would encourage women to get married because having kids is life changing. I’m lucky that my partner although definitely not perfect is committed to our family and would do anything for us. (Just not marriage (he has his reasons)).

kids are now young teens and now I feel as secure as anyone but I’m financially secure so I can relax a little. I also now don’t care that we didn’t get married. We’ve been together over 25 years.

I do wonder if it may be wise to have a registry wedding as we get older to save on inheritance tax etc but if we do we prob won’t tell anyone and it would be purely for tax reasons.

I made a lot of demands to ensure my security which maybe seem unreasonable to some and especially to some men - but if he thought that then it would have probably been easier just to marry! 😂😂

Can I ask if you feel any anxiety in the relationship because of this please? Would you have rather have married or do you feel happy with the situation?

Way too wishy washy.
He will see these as light suggestions, twist your words, talk you round and you'll end up pregnant with a ring and a neverending engagement.
I'm with @RedToothBrush he needs to commit now. Today. And you get married before year end. If he cant commit now. today. It's over.
And if you do this... it will be over.
If you use the wording in the posting above mine be very careful with saying the last paragraph about children and 50/50 .. he will say yes fine because he will hear "we will pay 50/50" (ie better deal financially for him) and you are the mum so you do all the grunt work, deal with sickness, the night wakings and everything else relating to our child

I get you need to have the conversation so you know you tried your best to save this and make it work but honestly you should end this. He is not "the one"

even if he compromises and marries you....

1. You'll never hear the end of how you "forced" him into it and it will be used to get his own way in every big life choice "well you got what you wanted - i married you! so i will buy this impractical car X/ go on holiday to Y/take job Z because i should get something thats what i want"
2. Marriage or no, this guy is going to be a shitty life partner to you and a part time disney dad to your child(ren) i hope you have family around to support you if you press on.

I am saying this not to be harsh but its the kind of thing i wish id been told before wasting 5 good long years in my late 20s on a guy that just didnt want the same things i did.

You need to be firmer about what you are expecting as a minimum from this relationship. I still think you need to ask the previous questions I’ve mentioned, as those answers will be telling about whether he really does love you.
”I am not ready to have children and I will not be having children without the stability of marriage. That is not going to change, no matter how much you push. If you want children sooner rather than later, you need to marry me, sooner rather than later. I’m not waiting indefinitely for you to decide if I am worth more to you than just an incubator for your children.

When we get married, we will be partners. We will be equal partners raising children and I am not giving up my career at the expense of yours. This means you cannot make decisions about your career which leaves me with the bulk of the caring responsibilities without discussing it with me. I’m not saying you can’t opportunities, of course, but you do need to discuss how you see it working and then during an interview you need to be asking about whether that arrangement will work. That will give you an indication if the job is going to work for our family.”

I hope you consider all great advice you are getting as a response to your latest update. To be completely frank I still think you should just end this as this man doesn't want marriage, wants you to do parenting when he is travelling here and there, he sees you as someone after his assets and some things he has said to you are just too much.

I am thinking of saying something like: “I am not ready to have children, and the fact that marriage isn’t on the cards ‘for another 3-4 years’ is making me less keen. I really want to start a family with you, but not until we are a whole unit and husband and wife. I know you compromised by saying you will marry eventually, but I don’t feel I can wait 3-4 years to have children. If you don’t feel that you can compromise any further, it will be the best for us to separate so that we can find people who match our own values and goals in life, unless you are willing to consider marriage over the next year or the year after in which we will then look at trying for a baby”.

I also want to mention how disheartened I felt when he brought up the job without asking how I felt about it… it was just assumed that I would be okay with it. Of course I support him but it was the lack of consideration on how it’d impact me and the family that he is so desperate to have. But will this take away from my focus above?

I am thinking of saying something like: “I am not ready to have children, and the fact that marriage isn’t on the cards ‘for another 3-4 years’ is making me less keen. I really want to start a family with you, but not until we are a whole unit and husband and wife. I know you compromised by saying you will marry eventually, but I don’t feel I can wait 3-4 years to have children. If you don’t feel that you can compromise any further, it will be the best for us to separate so that we can find people who match our own values and goals in life, unless you are willing to consider marriage over the next year or the year after in which we will then look at trying for a baby”.

I also want to mention how disheartened I felt when he brought up the job without asking how I felt about it… it was just assumed that I would be okay with it. Of course I support him but it was the lack of consideration on how it’d impact me and the family that he is so desperate to have. But will this take away from my focus above?

This is all very wish washy and apologetic and he will trample all over you in his haste to twist your words. You need to be much more direct about YOUR needs and wants, not his. You say something like ‘I am not ready to have children yet and I will not give up my career and change my life to have your children without being married and the practicalities of raising a child being discussed and agreed upon first. If you are not willing to fully make the commitment to building a united family unit and provide protection and security for the future then this is the end of the road for us. It is too much of a risk for me to give up my independence and financial security if I (and our future children) am not afforded any protection by marriage.’

I am thinking of saying something like: “I am not ready to have children, and the fact that marriage isn’t on the cards ‘for another 3-4 years’ is making me less keen. I really want to start a family with you, but not until we are a whole unit and husband and wife. I know you compromised by saying you will marry eventually, but I don’t feel I can wait 3-4 years to have children. If you don’t feel that you can compromise any further, it will be the best for us to separate so that we can find people who match our own values and goals in life, unless you are willing to consider marriage over the next year or the year after in which we will then look at trying for a baby”.

I also want to mention how disheartened I felt when he brought up the job without asking how I felt about it… it was just assumed that I would be okay with it. Of course I support him but it was the lack of consideration on how it’d impact me and the family that he is so desperate to have. But will this take away from my focus above?

My DH has always travelled for work. We have no family nearby. I've just got on with it. It's been fine.

I am thinking of saying something like: “I am not ready to have children, and the fact that marriage isn’t on the cards ‘for another 3-4 years’ is making me less keen. I really want to start a family with you, but not until we are a whole unit and husband and wife. I know you compromised by saying you will marry eventually, but I don’t feel I can wait 3-4 years to have children. If you don’t feel that you can compromise any further, it will be the best for us to separate so that we can find people who match our own values and goals in life, unless you are willing to consider marriage over the next year or the year after in which we will then look at trying for a baby”.

I also want to mention how disheartened I felt when he brought up the job without asking how I felt about it… it was just assumed that I would be okay with it. Of course I support him but it was the lack of consideration on how it’d impact me and the family that he is so desperate to have. But will this take away from my focus above?

Don't do it. This man will never marry you.

He wants you to take a leap of faith and trust him to have kids without being married, but he's not willing to extend that faith to sharing assets with you.

It's because of these assets he won't do it. He knows the kids will be enough of a tie.

You wouldn't be SINGLE parenting your as yet imaginary children as you have a partner, albeit travelling abroad (in this imaginary future).
You're being ridiculous.

I am thinking of saying something like: “I am not ready to have children, and the fact that marriage isn’t on the cards ‘for another 3-4 years’ is making me less keen. I really want to start a family with you, but not until we are a whole unit and husband and wife. I know you compromised by saying you will marry eventually, but I don’t feel I can wait 3-4 years to have children. If you don’t feel that you can compromise any further, it will be the best for us to separate so that we can find people who match our own values and goals in life, unless you are willing to consider marriage over the next year or the year after in which we will then look at trying for a baby”.

I also want to mention how disheartened I felt when he brought up the job without asking how I felt about it… it was just assumed that I would be okay with it. Of course I support him but it was the lack of consideration on how it’d impact me and the family that he is so desperate to have. But will this take away from my focus above?

Do not have children if he won't marry you.

Red flag. Big red fucking flag

He's just not that into you if he's not marrying you.