to ask if you've gone through your autistic DH's unmasking process...

I think most parents will tolerate behaviour from their children that they won't tolerate from their partners.

No I wasn't like this all the time or even weekly, it was just occasionally. I can get very irritable and upset when my depression is severe. I never do the silent treatment or anything like that. I recognise that problematic behaviour causes upset to others in the house so I'm okay with taking medication and keeping it under control. Meltdowns are distressing and I don't want those.

My dh doesn't really do any emotion and I noticed years ago that when I'm happy he seems to resent it. Ds is the same. They both seem more accepting of me when I'm bland and even a bit miserable. When I'm happy I'm enthusiastic, want to go to places and I sing songs to the cats. I'm not manic or anything. I think as long as I'm quiet they're happy.

Ds does do the irritated, monosyllabic response thing and I find that very difficult to live with. He gets away with far more poor behaviour than I ever have. I think men do though don't they?

Refusing to accept behaviour from a partner that negatively affects you is the way forward. If together you can't work out then you split up. I echo an earlier poster who said that boundaries should be taught in schools.
I'm sorry for the poster who said he partner refuses to accept it but in al honestly, very few would or should allow themselves to live with a partner who can create chaos in their lives.

I also have to recognize the earlier poster who perfectly described the difficulties of living with "the sour face and monosyllabic answers".

Nobody is entitled to a relationship and inflict themselves on a person.

Who said it was constant? It depends on the levels here. It could be he doesn't allow any human emotion good or bad.
If it were constant I doubt him disapproving could prevent it anyway.

Again only speaking from my experience, but it was awful when my ex used to get overwhelmed and have meltdowns over things. He would smack his hand against walls in a ‘I’ve watched too many tv dramas’ sort of way, but it still made me jump. I felt I was always walking on eggshells, I could never be negative in my tone or raise worries in case I triggered it. And I could never say anything that could be deemed to be criticism of him, I’d have shouting, crying and even foot stomping. If I did snap over something , he wouldn’t let me get my feelings out, he’d follow me around shouting at me because he wanted me to just stop being angry as it was triggering him. I was worried it was teaching my autistic children that it was ok to blow up when not dealing with something well.

There to do the cleaning and listen? Not allowed to sing or be happy?

As well as the much more reasonable 'not allowed to kick off'.

It's he though?

"He doesn't tolerate me getting angry, upset, having a meltdown, being sarcastic, argumentative or being angry about bureaucratic stuff, like bills etc. I don't think he likes me being happy or enthusiastic either and the singing might get on his nerves"

I wouldn't want to live with somebody, or have my children around, a partner that was constantly angry, upset, having meltdowns, being sarcastic, getting angry about nothing -e.g. bills.

If @iliveintrumpton was describing a man behaving like this, you'd almost certainly say the man was abusive.

@iliveintrumpton your husband is abusive. I'm sorry. Please seek help.

Um, he doesn't really do emotion. The medication is venlafaxine.

Is he allowed to do those things? Human emotion isn't exclusive to ND people.
What medication is it?

He doesn't tolerate me getting angry, upset, having a meltdown, being sarcastic, argumentative or being angry about bureaucratic stuff, like bills etc. I don't think he likes me being happy or enthusiastic either and the singing might get on his nerves. I have an alter ego that I call 'Mrs Bland' that I'm supposed to be and if she goes missing I have to go and find her. I pretty much there to do the cleaning and listen to him droning on about stuff. The medication helps me with that as well.

The medication shuts me up makes me calmer and not so angry. I can also concentrate better on it.

What does he not tolerate you doing? What medication is there for autism and what does it do?

In my case, raised by a narcissistic mum I am a very talented people pleaser and facilitator. So I’m great at working around him. And missed the warning signs. Also, when I was his special interest he appeared more considerate than anyone had been before.

It was just a bit bewildering and lonely when his focused changed.

I agree with this - men get a lot more slack in general. ND women are often masking to the point of complete burnout but being ND isn't a get out of jail free card for anyone - I know you're not saying it is by the way and I'm ND myself

My ex masked (evidently heavily) when we first dated. With undiagnosed men I think two things happen when they recognise they’re possibly autistic - depression (which mixed in with sensory issues can lead to poor hygiene) and the sociological side where women are expected to ‘carry on’ despite struggling themselves. Men will not be seen to be struggling with executive functioning if they’re putting all their effort into one area (employment) and not have anything else left to give in other areas. It has until recent years been either excused or unnoticed because women were expected to take care of the home anyway.

You can of course have an opinion, but to have one on conditions and situations you evidently don’t know anything about, how they can develop or fluctuate, can make you seem like you aren’t very intelligent.

I'm the autistic one in our marriage and my dh doesn't tolerate me unmasking. I have to take medication in order to behave myself and appear within acceptable limits. My difficulties are mainly related to menopause and depression though.

Ds is 20 now and autistic and he is a very difficult person and I can't see him maintaining a relationship unless he makes a big effort and develops some self awareness and maturity. He hasn't had a girlfriend yet. I worry about this. He might be better off with an independently minded autistic female who can just shrug off his moods and poor attitude.

To be honest, I think that autistic men are probably more difficult to get along with than autistic women. I have two autistic female friends and I find they're pretty good. The autistic men I know seem to struggle far more, need more help, guidance and supervision and have more problematic behaviours. Is this due to socialisation or what? I don't know. Female autists seem more independent and have more initiative too. I think a lot of men have poor attitudes and add autism into the mix and you might be struggling a lot. I can see this.

OP, I'm ND (ADD) married to an autistic man. I dated many before him. Always been drawn to ND people.

Just because something is a manifestation of a certain erm neurodiversity, doesn't mean you have to put up with it. If the person doesn't suit you - bin. They're not a random member of the public you need to be inclusive towards.

My husband and I think in similar ways so we are happy together. We like lots of space (also cuddles!). The only thing is he doesn't like going out as much as he claimed to since we dated but I don't really care. It's difficult fore to juggle a lot of things like housework etc and so many would consider my house a tip but hey who cares.

I know I'm difficult to live with and quite frankly was prepared to be single. Nobody is owed a relationship.

Exactly that. I thought my (now ex) partner was shy - it turned out he was just completely uninterested in other people - including me.

Fucking hell, I can really tell you don't know anything about autism. I have ASD. I have had people like you openly ask me if I don't like people, don't have any emotions, don't have any empathy.

To which I reply: fuck you.

Being ND means we process information differently. In a myriad of different ways; the ND family is as diverse as any other. So, I actually love people, love socialising, love my kids, have a great relationship with DH, and have a huge, huge well of empathy and love (that can tip over into something unhelpful, yes, a kind of over-empathy which is a known ASD trait). I also have a huge drive for social justice and fairness, also an ASD thing.

My point is: it's not all Rain Man. The 'traits' so depressingly trotted out here as autism are in fact Just Shit Men. With a great fat side serving of ableism.

Yes, I struggle - I see the world differently to NT people and sometimes find you all a bit weird. It leads to misunderstandings. Sometimes I don't 'get' something straight away, but I usually get there in the end. I have had to work hard at communication in my marriage and with my friends. But do I act like an unfeeling, horrible robot.

No, I do not.

Please read up on what autism and ND actually is before spouting such hurtful, awful comments. I have a disability is all; it doesn't mean I am not deserving of basic respect and - oh the irony - empathy.

I have ASD. I’m not saying it, that’s what pp have said the unmasking equates to

@Valeriesimpleton I’ve reported your first post because it’s a very unhelpful attitude towards a really sensitive subject.

Some people with disabilities need carers. Sometimes elements of that core are taken on by romantic partners and yes, it can be hard to adjust.

If you lost the ability to clean your own teeth would you expect your husband to leave you?

I don’t do any of those things, neither does my daughter or my two sons. We’re all adults with autism. Your sweeping generalisation and ableist language re a disability is not ok.

My husband brushes his teeth without being asked. He doesn't go silent or behave coldly when he's uncomfortable. He just lives his life, ups and downs. I am only responding to the slightly indulgent tone of posters who seem to want to celebrate behaviours that aren't actually very nice.

Autistic people behave like odd ball toddlers.What a truly awful thing to say and completely untrue.

As this is in AIBU I am going to have an opinion. I don't know anything about it and hadn't even heard of it but what I don't get is why anyone would get together with someone who behaves that way regardless of whether they are diagnosed or just an asshole. Is it just the old fashioned need to fix the man or is there something outstandingly attractive about these men who behave like oddball toddlers. I like men a lot, I especially enjoy sharing my life with one. But if he wasn't a strong capable adult, a soul mate and equal friend and able to provide and protect his family I would never have engaged with him.