To expect husband to contribute more to the trip

It’s a no then. Don’t go. ‘I’ll happily go if the business is paying, but our joint funds are limited and thats not a location I want to put funds to visiting. I really really want a holiday, but not particularly there just because it’s convenient for you.’

But then on top of that is OP’s plane ticket which is a shared cost, as would the meals, any attractions, if they are staying for longer etc. The suggestion by him to turn it into a vacation together surely carries much more costs than a basic work trip for a conference for just himself? Room
service for one is a lot cheaper than a nice 3 course date night out for 2. So it’s not like he’s making a profit on OP’s attendance.

Let the miserly man go by himself and pay 100% of his costs 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Use the money that would cover your flights and food to treat yourself to an experience you can do by yourself.

Would you even really enjoy this while seething at the stinginess...

Don't go.. use what you might have otherwise paid for the trip, for you and the kids, even if for a movie and popcorn... do things that make you happy... It doesn't sound like you want to go.. and I agree that organising childcare can be a pain when you might be perfectly happy to spend that time with your children.

@Coffeerum

He'd be paying 100% himself if paying from his own account.

Hes now decided he's using the joint account. The joint account is funded by them both equally- so using those funds it provides him with a 50% subsidy for expenses that are unchanged by her coming - ie his plane ticket, car transportation and the hotel room.

It makes the trip much more cost effective for him.

Op don’t go then.

But all the additional expenses of OP coming and making it a holiday will be shared on
top … so counteracting any “saving” he is making surely?

If she wasn't coming he'd have paid for it from his personal account.

Now she's coming, he's decided to treat it as a joint expense, so he's effectively getting a 50% discount on everything - PLUS he will presumably be tax deducting the entirety giving him a further financial benefit.

He's very miserly if he hasn't suggested treating her in some way IMO.

but Im just sad that he can never propose to put more than me, especially in this case where he needs to go anyway and me coming helps him financially.

Does it really help him financially though? Before he paid for the hotel and car rental with joint money, which then was a tax deductible expense or covered by his employer it’s not really clear.
Now your plane ticket and meals, attractions etc to make it a holiday and etc are all coming from the joint account on top of his expenses coming from the joint so it sounds similar to if he was paying for just himself.

So you don't know if he asked you to come just in order to be able to use the joint account.. is he normally stingy? This would make me not want to go as I don't know if it's my company he wants or just the cost reduction. Tell him you want to plan something for both of you when it's more convenient for you to leave and to a destination you would really like to visit. I mean, if you need to be frugal after a holiday atleast make sure you enjoy it!
Another thing: if your DS was abandonned by his father how come your partner has not adopted him if he's young. It would make sense and your DS wouldn't feel different from your other DC.. just a thought..

Is he self employed? Or will his work expenses be reimbursed?

If they come out of joint account and then get reimbursed into the joint account then it doesn’t matter does it? It’s just cash flow. If not then he needs to pay whatever he would have paid for with out you there from his personal account, and then your additional bits from your personal account.

I am often on work trips when my meals are covered and take my DP out with me when I am there (think regional city and London, he splits his time between our city and London). I would pay for dinner and then claim my half (I would be treating him), sometimes we split the bill and sometimes he pays (him treating me) and then gives me the receipt and I claim my half. All comes out in wash and we don’t account to the penny. We have a joint account too but meals out aren’t something we pay out from there.

I understand now! In my view, he should pay what he’d have had to pay anyway from his account and your bit out of the joint account

At right. I understand.

He should be covering the expenses he would have covered anyway. If he would have rented a car, he should cover that cost anyway. If he wouldn’t have rented a car if it was just him it should come out of joint.

Is the accusation costs exactly the same if you go?

When you say he earns ‘somewhat’ more, that’s a bit vague. Is it a lot more? And after he pays CMS is there a difference?

Ah ok I get it.

I agree with you OP. He should pay for flight, car, accommodation out of his own account, as he was planning to. Any additional expenses that occur because you are coming should be either from your account if only you benefit and from the joint account if you both do.

So your plane ticket- your expense
Dinners out together- joint account.

I'm surprised you find this hard to discuss with him. You must have had so many conversations about money before given your family structure?

The children being cared for- are they yours alone?

Just raise it with him that you think this trip is primarily a business expense. You're just tagging along. It's not like it's a romantic holiday that you've planned together. If you don't benefit financially from the success of his business then you shouldn't be subsidising it.

It sounds like this isn't really about the trip but about the fact that your financial setup isn't working for you.

If you're married the fairest thing is for you to each pay all your income into the joint account and then transfer out an equal amount to each of your personal accounts for personal spending. That way neither one of you has more disposable income than the other.

Could you suggest this to your husband?

Honestly I’m having a tough time following your explanation here, but this is what the split should be if you actually want to go:

-All of the expenses he would pay if he were traveling alone on a business trip should come out of the account he uses for business expenses. This would include his flight, accommodation, rental car, conference fees, and his food. These are his business expenses.
-Additional expenses added on only because you came should come from your joint account. Your flight, any per guest hotel supplementary fees, entertainment you go out on together or alone, your food (or half your joint meals), etc. These are joint vacation expenses.
-Assuming these are your children together, childcare costs should come from the joint account, with him taking point on making arrangements since he proposed the trip.

You should be paying into joint expenses/accounts proportionally to your income - so each putting in 60% of what you make, for example.

Bigger picture, this does not seem like a healthy, content partnership financially. It sounds like there’s an underlying feeling of unfairness & inequality on your end that should be addressed more directly.

When you return if the joint is short ask him to chip in extra from his savings account because on any other trip the whole of the expense would come out of his account. Or request his trip be paid for as usual from his personal account and yours from the joint.

Also he earns more, but make the same financial contribution to the family as you.

But you sort all the childcare for your shared children, so you are making a greater non-financial contribution.

I'd start invoicing him for the time you spend facilitating his life.

So it’s coming out of the joint account?

But as you contribute equally you want him to pay towards it out of his own money. Even though, despite saying ‘I am paying for the flight’, it’s coming out of joint money?

When he uses this in his expenses it means that he won’t be paying tax in his portion. Which is the same whether you are there or not, doesn’t it?

I'm confused.

It was ok for him to pay for his work trip out of the shared account when it was just him.

But now it's both of you it should come partially from his personal account?