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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bride in need I really don't know where to turn

487 replies

ForBetterForWorseOrNot · 11/07/2024 02:18

15 years and two kids down the line into out relationship, 6 weeks until our wedding and his on about calling the whole thing off because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding. Apparently I have made absolutely no effort. Doesn't matter that I have organised the whole thing whilst working a full time job, learning a new role in a job I hate because he wanted me to find something that pays better.

My hen is supposed to be this weekend with my bf, his sil his dm, his eldest niece and a couple others mainly his family. Everything was fine earlier today. His said so many times how I've not lost the weight but that he loves me anyway and I know his going to marry me either way. Currently on holiday with the kids, his taken a few photos today, zoomed in on me, sent them to me this evening and resulted to silent treatment. When I asked him about it he said I've made no effort at all about my weight and that his going to message everyone saying due to unforseen circumstances the wedding is off.

Right now I'm not sure I want to marry him after this. But if he does would it be wrong to tell people exactly what's happened and tell him the house is going on the market. How can you tell your partner of 15 years she's overweight (size 16 to 18) and your calling off the wedding that's 6 weeks away to callingvher babe in the same sentence. He was literally cuddling up to me in the pub watching the England match 5 hours ago.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 11/07/2024 13:47

have you heard the expression "In vino veritas" - it means that when some one is drunk (in wine, there is the truth) they tend to speak their minds as they are less inhibited by social norms. This is what he really thinks even if when he's sober he tries to retract these comments and photos and texts, this is what he really thinks of you.
I agree with the other posters who are saying that this is a form of abuse, and also to look at 'sunk costs' fallacy. Just because you've spent 15 years with this man doesn't and shouldn't mean that you have to spend the next 45 or more with him.
Send a text message out to the people invited to the hen weekend first - saying that the hen has been called off and you'll contact them later with details.
Then contact the vendors/suppliers that you've arranged for the wedding. Give them enough notice and you may get some money back. I'd try to make sure as much of that returned money makes it way back to YOU and not your boyfriend as you'll need it for rent/expenses.
That's what I would do and I would drive home today with the kids.

Longdarkcloud · 11/07/2024 13:25

What these awful men don’t realise is that they kill the love their partner has for them by such abusive behaviour. So much easier to split up without having to deal with divorce. Your heart will be lighter when you are free and your children will appreciate it. True love does not depend on your weight.
Good luck

Holidaaaaay · 11/07/2024 13:20

ForBetterForWorseOrNot · 11/07/2024 02:31

15 years is a long time to walk away. Throw in 2 kids, one with additional needs and a mortgage, not to mention the fact I love him to bits and have stood by him no matter what, I just wish he would do the same. He doesn't realise the negative comments knock me for six and are a large part of why I have struggled to commit to losing the weight in the first place. I need to feel like if I do it that it's for me not some ultimatum. Otherwise what happens if I gain anything after the wedding? A divorce?.

If he isn't just saying this after a few too many. Would I be unreasonable to message his family in the hen group and just say, enjoy the weekend I hope you all celebrate that his called it off as he thinks im too fat for him to marry as effectively that's exactly what his saying.

15 years is a long time. The rest of your life is also likely a long time to put up with this bloody twat. Honestly don't let yourself be treated like this.

Fraaahnces · 11/07/2024 13:18

Photos on beach. Zoom in on his package. Send with pictures of rulers and microscopes along with the ring.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 11/07/2024 13:14

I think you need to invest in a solicitor’s appointment, urgently. If you can walk away from this ‘relationship’ with half, then I think you would be making a massive mistake not to do so.

Despair1 · 11/07/2024 13:13

zeibesaffron · 11/07/2024 10:04

Call off the wedding and run, please, please do not marry this abusive, nasty piece of shit!!

My ExH did this and left me one year after we married because I had put on 8 pounds (I was 9 stone 2). It wasn’t anything to do with that it was because he couldn’t control me anymore, he found someone else to bully 2 days later (clearly he had also been cheating on me) - that didn’t last either!!! It has taken me 20 years to move past his horrible comments- please do not let that be you.

He is clearly controlling in other ways too - why on earth is he going on your hen do!!

Please, please look after yourself and leave.

Congratulations for finding the strength to move on! Hip Hip Hooray, your future is waiting

Lacky301 · 11/07/2024 13:13

Wow he's so shallow and a awful man. If you marry this man I personally think he will get worse and make you very miserable.

Despair1 · 11/07/2024 13:11

Hi OP, he is being seriously unkind. Weight is a sensitive issue and you acknowledge that you need to lose some is a step in the right direction. For him to say he wants to call off wedding due to your weight is unfair and cruel. I appreciate your shared history but I don't think that you can't risk marrying him. You will feel trapped and resentful. I think you should message your hen party with the facts. Take care and I wish you well with your weight loss journey and your future

YellowphantGrey · 11/07/2024 13:08

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/07/2024 12:03

I don't think it's good for women to marry full stop but if they do then there needs to be a good reason for it, whatever it is.

In OP's case, if she needs financial support/legal security that marriage brings then after 15 bloody years she should have that. Marriage gives that to her and confers that status.

If OP marries with the plan to divorce then whatever he is is immaterial, she has a plan to get out from the start. I'm cheering OP on with whatever she decides, just no sleepwalking into thinking that he will ever change because he won't. He is a twat.

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The abuse is most likely going to get worse. Why do you think he will suddenly be kind and tow the line and play nice during the divorce? The abuse will probably increase, the resentment will build, it will make for a horrible home life for everyone.

They own their house jointly and pay 50/50 I'd rather deal with that than a divorce and a share of a pension that we have no idea if it's worth much anyway

Blueuggboots · 11/07/2024 13:03

What would you say to your closest friend in this situation? He sounds like an absolute cunt. Get rid of him and raise your standards??!

EraOfTheGrey · 11/07/2024 12:57

BettyBardMacDonald · 11/07/2024 02:33

Why do you "love him to bits "? He sounds worthless.

Look up "sunk cost fallacy."
You need not doom yourself to this for life.

Love this, what an excellent explanation to this situation. I particularly like this definition "Individuals commit the sunk cost fallacy when they continue a behaviour or endeavour as a result of previously invested resources".

I think you either leave him now or you waste more of your life with this ar**hole and divorce him later. Especially as he believes this is a harmless opinion he holds about you. Seriously? He took a photo of you at what he believes is your worst and sent it to you as a way to humiliate you into capitulation.

Caththegreat · 11/07/2024 12:54

The desperation of women to be married.My God.It is 1954 but with tech.oh the humanity.take a mirror to his face and gut and his soon to be descended testicles and tell him to do one.As an employed woman you will be ok and your kids will admire u.

Motomum23 · 11/07/2024 12:38

God. Call off the wedding. You simply cannot marry a man who is so nasty

Choochoo21 · 11/07/2024 12:38

BobandRobertaSmith · 11/07/2024 10:17

OP has 2 kids, one with additional needs, with him. She only worked part time previously. I would assume he earns more than OP and has a better pension pot.

I assume @Choochoo21 is suggesting that OP might as well go ahead with the wedding at this late stage as it will give her more legal rights when they split. She should get half of the house if they split now (assuming she is on the deeds and they own the house equally). She may get more than 50:50 if they marry and divorce plus entitlement to his pension pot. I can see Choochoo’s logic. It’s not like getting married is going to make splitting any harder, it might make it easier, the wedding is already paid for, they won’t get their money back…

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This is exactly what I was trying to say.
Thank you.

thaisweetchill · 11/07/2024 12:35

OP, this is abuse.

He is a vile man trying to threaten you in to losing weight. If it's such a big thing for him why is he with you? He is doing this to abuse you and it sounds like he's done a number on you.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

Get out now as you have realised what a horrible person he is; you only have one life.

ilovesushi · 11/07/2024 12:33

If you were to marry him with the plan to divorce soon after to secure your financial future, is there the risk that he might refuse to divorce you? Could you get stuck in the marriage? Only ask because a good friend struggled for years to get her divorce through.

user8800 · 11/07/2024 12:32

Ah.
The old sunk costs fallacy...
You've wasted xx number of years on this pig.
Don't waste xx more and look back on the best years of your life with regret and anger.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 11/07/2024 12:27

sashh · 11/07/2024 02:41

Chuck him out of the house.

If you magically lost a couple of stone then it will be something else. You hair will be too long, then you cut it and he doesn't like it.

It's a form of coercive control, he wants you on edge at all times.

This 100%.

Goodluckanddontfitup · 11/07/2024 12:20

This is vile. Get rid. Seriously get rid. No matter how hard you think it might be, in the long run you will absolutely be happier without having to be partnered by this horrible specimen

Iloveyoubut · 11/07/2024 12:19

AngelinaFibres · 11/07/2024 09:51

I worked with a head teacher whose husband used to weigh her when she got home on a Friday. If her weight had risen she would not be allowed to eat any of the take away or wine they had over the weekend.He would eat and drink whatever he wanted. Technology moved on and for her 50th birthday he bought her a fit bit and connected it to her phone AND HIS. During the day we would see her suddenly start walking round and round the school. It was because he had checked her step count and had texted to tell her that she wasn't moving enough. She was 5'4" and a size 8. She never ate celebration cakes and had minute portions at staff Christmas meals. He had a tracker on her car so he could check that she was at the gym. He checked her gym gear to be sure she'd exercised rather than just sat in the carpark. They didn't attend her sisters wedding because her sister was fat. It has all started with little things and , like the frog in boiling water, she just got sucked in to this being normal. The worst thing was that he was a very long way away from being Brad Pitt. Apparently that didn't matter.

That actually made me cry. That poor woman, that’s genuinely heartbreaking.

LimeQuoter · 11/07/2024 12:15

Don't marry him. On one of the most supposedly happiest days of your life, he says this. I know emotions can run high but hurting you on this day should be the last thing he wants to do. Be careful if he is that invested in appearances. You don't want him losing his temper at you if you're married either if how you appeared to people didn't meet his expectations. Maybe this is a lucky escape? You could try get as much of your money back as you can and keep it as needed

MounjaroUser · 11/07/2024 12:14

What have been the toughest times with him, OP?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/07/2024 12:03

YellowphantGrey · 11/07/2024 11:54

I never think advising anyone to marry their abuser is a good idea. Why would leaving an abusive marriage be easier than leaving an abusive relationship?

Show quote history

I don't think it's good for women to marry full stop but if they do then there needs to be a good reason for it, whatever it is.

In OP's case, if she needs financial support/legal security that marriage brings then after 15 bloody years she should have that. Marriage gives that to her and confers that status.

If OP marries with the plan to divorce then whatever he is is immaterial, she has a plan to get out from the start. I'm cheering OP on with whatever she decides, just no sleepwalking into thinking that he will ever change because he won't. He is a twat.

Loopytiles · 11/07/2024 12:02

Money

YellowphantGrey · 11/07/2024 11:54

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/07/2024 11:52

I haven't read anybody's posts others than your first one, OP, but my advice, as you have children and presumably would need financial support is to marry the twat, countdown the year you need to divorce him and then do that.

If you have means to support yourself then don't marry him at all.

What an excuse for a man he is, OP. Total support for your feelings of revulsion here. You have time to think about your way forward, if only weeks, take them all and make your plan. Flowers

I never think advising anyone to marry their abuser is a good idea. Why would leaving an abusive marriage be easier than leaving an abusive relationship?