Page 7 | Bride in need I really don't know where to turn

ForBetterForWorseOrNot · 2024-07-11T01:18:45+00:00

15 years and two kids down the line into out relationship, 6 weeks until our wedding and his on about calling the whole thing off because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding. Apparently I have made absolutely no effort. Doesn't matter that I have organised the whole thing whilst working a full time job, learning a new role in a job I hate because he wanted me to find something that pays better. My hen is supposed to be this weekend with my bf, his sil his dm, his eldest niece and a couple others mainly his family. Everything was fine earlier today. His said so many times how I've not lost the weight but that he loves me anyway and I know his going to marry me either way. Currently on holiday with the kids, his taken a few photos today, zoomed in on me, sent them to me this evening and resulted to silent treatment. When I asked him about it he said I've made no effort at all about my weight and that his going to message everyone saying due to unforseen circumstances the wedding is off. Right now I'm not sure I want to marry him after this. But if he does would it be wrong to tell people exactly what's happened and tell him the house is going on the market. How can you tell your partner of 15 years she's overweight (size 16 to 18) and your calling off the wedding that's 6 weeks away to callingvher babe in the same sentence. He was literally cuddling up to me in the pub watching the England match 5 hours ago.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/07/2024 16:31

YellowphantGrey · 11/07/2024 13:08

The abuse is most likely going to get worse. Why do you think he will suddenly be kind and tow the line and play nice during the divorce? The abuse will probably increase, the resentment will build, it will make for a horrible home life for everyone.

They own their house jointly and pay 50/50 I'd rather deal with that than a divorce and a share of a pension that we have no idea if it's worth much anyway

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Where do you get from my post that I think he will suddenly be kind and play nice? I've already said he's a twat, that was a clue I would have thought?

Anyway, if OP decides to marry him to get her share then I wouldn't attempt to dissuade her, why shouldn't she? I wouldn't and didn't suggest that she marries him for love. She can do that with a nicer man after the divorce/recovery.

As you've rightly said, we have no idea of the financials but OP does, so no need for us to comment on them.

DefyingGravitas · 11/07/2024 16:27

ThistleWitch · 11/07/2024 15:15

So she should live with an arsehole who treats her like shit for financial security?

There are support agencies out there if she's stuck

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No, definitely not. But too many women end up penniless after giving up good jobs and trusting men that they’ll be looked after or wouldn’t be left homeless in a split. If he owns the house she could be left with nothing in a split. So marriage might not be the long term plan because he sounds like an abusive shit. But it might be a shorter term financial consideration along with seeing a solicitor. Because abusive shits shouldn’t get to keep all the money.

Calliopespa · 11/07/2024 16:24

MassiveOvaryaction · 11/07/2024 14:49

Holy shit. Please tell me she left him?

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He must actually have had a mental illness to be that obsessive about it. It’s incredibly sick behaviour.

Penguinfeet24 · 11/07/2024 16:18

I very very rarely say ditch the bastard but in this case I am making a very big exception - DITCH HIM!! This has nothing to do with your weight, he doesn't want to get married and if, after 15 years and 2 kids, he doesn't want to get married then don't waste any more time on this absolute loser of a person. I won't say man because he's not a man, he's an absolute abhorrent human. The fact that he's making it about your weight so its YOUR problem and you're the reason you aren't getting married speaks volumes about him, get the fuck out.

ZeldaFighter · 11/07/2024 15:46

Marriage is a lock tight legal partnership which will need lawyers to unpick. She'll probably get more as a divorced wife than a walking-away girlfriend.

ZeldaFighter · 11/07/2024 15:44

Marry him so you've got your legal and financial options sorted, then divorce him.

Hankunamatata · 11/07/2024 15:40

I'm guessing it's not just the weight and your lack of earnings he has criticised.

Would someone who really loves you say nasty things to make you miserable? I tell him to call the wedding off

Secondstart1001 · 11/07/2024 15:35

@AngelinaFibres the question was for you re this poor woman?

Secondstart1001 · 11/07/2024 15:33

@benid thats so sad and an example of extreme controlling and coercive behaviour. That poor woman! Please tell me she’s no longer with him?

ThistleWitch · 11/07/2024 15:15

Brexile · 11/07/2024 06:39

Too many posters saying "Don't marry him" without knowing whether your financial security depends on it.

If not, then LTB obviously. It sounds as though he's casting around for a reason to reject you anyway, unless he's just being cruel for the fun of it.

So she should live with an arsehole who treats her like shit for financial security?

There are support agencies out there if she's stuck

Clafoutie · 11/07/2024 15:15

Flipzandchipz · 11/07/2024 04:31

He is a misogynistic arsehole OP and you deserve better. How dare he. I wouldn’t marry him no. You have a good opportunity to take the power back. I’d forward his horrible abusive messages to his family and tell them exactly why you’re calling it off, tell them how you told us, that he had threatened to call it off for unforeseen reasons because he believes you are overweight. Then I’d not give him a second thought, order my favourite fucking meal with dessert and start making plans for the future. You deserve better. You deserve love and happiness.

OP, please read @Flipzandchipz post over and over.

I can only repeat what everyone else is saying.

This man sounds controlling, threatening, shallow,and appears not to love you for who you are.

I can completely understand how it can seem like an impossible task to walk away from this after 15 years, and children, but use cancellation of the wedding as a first step. And yes, it would be more than reasonable to simply forward his disgusting messages to the relatives and simply say the wedding is off.

I hope that one of the first things you can do is use some of the wedding money to treat yourself to something just for you.

But please, please, do not marry this man. Good luck.

ThistleWitch · 11/07/2024 15:09

ForBetterForWorseOrNot · 11/07/2024 02:31

15 years is a long time to walk away. Throw in 2 kids, one with additional needs and a mortgage, not to mention the fact I love him to bits and have stood by him no matter what, I just wish he would do the same. He doesn't realise the negative comments knock me for six and are a large part of why I have struggled to commit to losing the weight in the first place. I need to feel like if I do it that it's for me not some ultimatum. Otherwise what happens if I gain anything after the wedding? A divorce?.

If he isn't just saying this after a few too many. Would I be unreasonable to message his family in the hen group and just say, enjoy the weekend I hope you all celebrate that his called it off as he thinks im too fat for him to marry as effectively that's exactly what his saying.

So how does another 15 years feeling like this?

You know he's an arsehole, nice normal people don't act like this

PerkyMintDeer · 11/07/2024 14:53

The worst thing was that he was a very long way away from being Brad Pitt.

No. No that is really NOT the worst thing about anything in that post.

Coercive control is a crime. Did no one try and help the poor woman? Sounds like it was an open secret but just a topic of gossip...in a school FFS!

MassiveOvaryaction · 11/07/2024 14:49

AngelinaFibres · 11/07/2024 09:51

I worked with a head teacher whose husband used to weigh her when she got home on a Friday. If her weight had risen she would not be allowed to eat any of the take away or wine they had over the weekend.He would eat and drink whatever he wanted. Technology moved on and for her 50th birthday he bought her a fit bit and connected it to her phone AND HIS. During the day we would see her suddenly start walking round and round the school. It was because he had checked her step count and had texted to tell her that she wasn't moving enough. She was 5'4" and a size 8. She never ate celebration cakes and had minute portions at staff Christmas meals. He had a tracker on her car so he could check that she was at the gym. He checked her gym gear to be sure she'd exercised rather than just sat in the carpark. They didn't attend her sisters wedding because her sister was fat. It has all started with little things and , like the frog in boiling water, she just got sucked in to this being normal. The worst thing was that he was a very long way away from being Brad Pitt. Apparently that didn't matter.

Holy shit. Please tell me she left him?

benid · 11/07/2024 14:36

AngelinaFibres · 11/07/2024 09:51

I worked with a head teacher whose husband used to weigh her when she got home on a Friday. If her weight had risen she would not be allowed to eat any of the take away or wine they had over the weekend.He would eat and drink whatever he wanted. Technology moved on and for her 50th birthday he bought her a fit bit and connected it to her phone AND HIS. During the day we would see her suddenly start walking round and round the school. It was because he had checked her step count and had texted to tell her that she wasn't moving enough. She was 5'4" and a size 8. She never ate celebration cakes and had minute portions at staff Christmas meals. He had a tracker on her car so he could check that she was at the gym. He checked her gym gear to be sure she'd exercised rather than just sat in the carpark. They didn't attend her sisters wedding because her sister was fat. It has all started with little things and , like the frog in boiling water, she just got sucked in to this being normal. The worst thing was that he was a very long way away from being Brad Pitt. Apparently that didn't matter.

FUCKING HELL!! this is horrifying

OP he is a total arsehole YANBU

tolerable · 11/07/2024 14:35

what a rat! dont marry him.

Justasleep · 11/07/2024 14:29

Nanny0gg · 11/07/2024 13:59

I;ve read some of the other replies

Marry him

Get your ducks in a row

Divorce him

This!

Secondstart1001 · 11/07/2024 14:26

@@ForBetterForWorseOrNot I can imagine your head being all over the place today. Like pps have said, you may have been there for him but it doesn’t sound like he’s there for you.
As background for you, my Dp has put on considerable weight since we’ve been together I’ve never mentioned it as I love him and I am still very attracted to him. It has only become an open conversation recently as it’s affecting his health. The only conversations I’ve had is how I can help, which is to stop making puddings. Stop buying treats and make him healthier and lower fat meals that we both consume. I’ve never fat shamed as I don’t feel that way about his weight, there is more to him than that and I would nevrt hurt him like that. I know it’s not easy to LTB but he is horrible. The fact he deleted the messages shows what a calculated bastard he is!

kittensandmittens8 · 11/07/2024 14:11

I’m sorry he’s made you feel that you aren’t worthy of someone better than this

personally if someone told me they’d only marry me if I was a certain dress size, the two words I’d be saying, certainly wouldn’t be I do…

I appreciate 15 years is a long time but unless you’ve missed out the drip feed about his other exceptional qualities he just sounds like a nasty bully who enjoys putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself

Topoftheflops · 11/07/2024 14:07

@LookItsMeAgain has shown you what you need to do practically. It's your life to live, preferably without a dickhead like him in it.

tattygrl · 11/07/2024 14:06

ForBetterForWorseOrNot · 11/07/2024 02:39

@theyoungishman sadly no joke.

I have stood by him no matter what for years and some of them have been real tough. Right now I just want to get in my car and drive home but it's a 5 hour drive and frankly I don't think 2am is a sensible time to do so especially when it means packing up and waking the kids, then driving home.

I really started to believe when he said that he would be marrying me regardless that he meant it. I guess now I know he doesn't think I'm worth it.

F*ck whether he thinks you're worth it:

OP, what do YOU think you're worth?

Marrying a man who sends you photos of you, zoomed in, for the purpose of expressing his dissatisfaction with your weight?

OP. Please. Please don't marry this man. Bluntly, those 15 years don't mean shit. They've passed. They've been. Nothing can change them. It is sunk cost fallacy to use them as a reason to continue with this relationship and marriage.

The rest of your life starts every day. The rest of your life will happen anyway. Do you want it to be years and years next to a man who treats you like dirt on his shoe, to be shaped to his preferences and emotionally abused? Or do you want the rest of your life to be different?

Do you want your children to see that this is what love is? Because they will re-enact it in their own lives.

HermioneHerman · 11/07/2024 14:04

I'm definitely in the majority camp of please don't marry this man, even if you don't spilt up right now. It won't get better and although it feels scary, you will eventually realise you've done a lot of grieving for the relationship already even though you're still in it. I can only assume he is some kind of supermodel Adonis himself that he feels so entitled to say these nasty things to you...the person he is supposed to love most! I'm so sorry, you don't deserve such cruelty in what should be a happy time.

Nanny0gg · 11/07/2024 13:59

I;ve read some of the other replies

Marry him

Get your ducks in a row

Divorce him

Nanny0gg · 11/07/2024 13:56

ForBetterForWorseOrNot · 11/07/2024 02:31

15 years is a long time to walk away. Throw in 2 kids, one with additional needs and a mortgage, not to mention the fact I love him to bits and have stood by him no matter what, I just wish he would do the same. He doesn't realise the negative comments knock me for six and are a large part of why I have struggled to commit to losing the weight in the first place. I need to feel like if I do it that it's for me not some ultimatum. Otherwise what happens if I gain anything after the wedding? A divorce?.

If he isn't just saying this after a few too many. Would I be unreasonable to message his family in the hen group and just say, enjoy the weekend I hope you all celebrate that his called it off as he thinks im too fat for him to marry as effectively that's exactly what his saying.

WHY do you 'love him to bits'?

He's really done a number on you if you think he's the best out there.

Hint: He's not.

TubeScreamer · 11/07/2024 13:48

What a horrible, horrible man. Please don’t marry him.