Bride in need I really don't know where to turn

Op, it's hard to see when you're in it. But believe me. This is not normal. At all. He's controlling, abusive and a piece of shit. Where are your family and friends at your hen? Sounds like he's isolated you too. Don't marry this man. You are worth so much more. You will end up miserable.

She should marry him if he earns more than her, is she isn’t on the title deeds and if she will financially worse off by walking away. Also if he has a pension. Then she can divorce him.

Gently, this is not love. People show you who they are over time. Love comes with no conditions. He is telling you that you are not enough. But you are enough. You are beautiful. You deserve a man that appreciates every single inch of you and loves you for who you are and worships every curve, every crease, every beautiful shape of your body. He isn’t the one….and I think on a level you know this too.

He's not there for you.

However you feel about him, he doesn't feel the same for you, and he has been massively disrespectful.

I suggest YOU call off the hen and wedding and let people know the reason is that you're not compatible.

Oh, and change the locks.

That is ABUSE.
Do NOT marry someone who thinks it's OK to abuse you.
Do NOT marry someone who treats you so badly.
It will NOT improve!

Also, why are you afraid to tell people what he’s saying to you? Is it because he’ll be raging if he finds out you’ve made him look bad in front of his friends and family by showing them who he really is?

Think about the dynamics in all of this - how lost and worried you sound, how he’s taunting you by dangling your happiness in front of you by a thread. He’s a horrible human being. This is not what love looks or feels like.

I'm so sorry a man put you through this. So sorry.

This is a good point worth highlighting again.

He absolutely doesn't deserve you but if the house is in his name only, you were a SAHM for a long period or have a much lesser pension, there are financial reasons to go ahead with marriage.

Whether these are worth the mental toll is for you to decide but if you are not ready to leave him then getting married might be better than continuing the relationship unmarried.

Perhaps he has realised this and is trying to put you off then will turn the charm back on when it's cancelled.

Posts like this do my head in. All these blokes who are in long term relationships with homes and mortgages and kids - in other words living in every way within a traditional marriage set up - but balk at getting the formal piece of paper.

Why exactly do you ‘love him to pieces’, OP? He sounds an utter cunt.

He knows how much you want this, so not only is he messing with your head by doing the ‘yes-no-maybe’ thing, he’s wanting to hurt and punish you for how you look - which is apparently good enough to be his long term partner and mother of his children, but not good enough for him to make a public commitment to you in front of people who already see you as married in all but name. I take it this prince of a man looks like Brad Pitt, does he?

Instead of legally binding yourself to this wankstain, maybe look at this as the push you need to free yourself and live a happier life without his demands and his spitefulness knocking you back at every turn. I guarantee it’ll shock the snot out of him if you just tell him you’ve changed your mind and he needs to find somewhere else to live.

It sounds like you need to stand up to him. Does he have any idea how those comments make you feel? I would not be allowing him to speak to me like that and then cuddle me! Why is he sending you those photos?! He should love you for who you are. Regardless if he thinks you should lose weight. Which isn’t easy particularly if you’re working full time.

YABU to marry the shallow twat! Although actually you might be financially better off to marry then divorce rather than split up before the wedding?

I assume he's a perfectly toned Adonis type?

@ForBetterForWorseOrNot he sounds horrible.

Who owns the house? Is it yours?

Brilliant advice about your finances etc by previous posters.
whatever happens do not give up your life to a man who treats you like this. Even if you do marry him, as soon as possible you should leave and find someone who loves you for who you are.

I can promise you it's not your weight. I've briefly dated someone like this. You could have lost 4 stone overnight and he'd have objected to it - you would have done it wrong- and he would have immediately started picking on another perceived flaw, the more permanent and unchangeable the better.

In this mans case he had to find something to object to/ be "offended" by in every meeting/conversation. I'd be messaged hours after the fact- where he'd have left or hung up quite happy and smiley - told my offence and that he was cross, I was an awful person etc and that he was leaving my life / not speaking to me again. He always eventually "came back" but there were always hoops to jump through or catches to have and keep his attention or risk the threat of being cut off. Sometimes for weeks. Sometimes you could actually hear the gears whirring in his mind to seek a perceived offence to use to assert control. Once I saw this, it all made sense. I can promise you OP that if you made an effort to crash diet or something now, he'd immediately comment on how he doesn't like that it's come off your boobs, your jaw line looks funny, your hair is still xyz. It's not about you. It's all window dressing for controlling you. It's all buttons to press.

Only you know whether you want to stay and get hitched or not, tell everyone what he has said or not. If you leave after marrying it's harder to split but you may get more.

As an aside, I was bigger when we got married. I did care but DH didn't and there's no way I would've called it off and neither would he.

Why would you love to bits a man who controls you? Wants to control your weight, your job…? Marriage should not be conditional on your weight! He should love you anyway shouldnt he… You have stood by him, but he is not standing by you. He knows full well his comments hurt you, but still does it? Sending you photos is cruel.

Don’t waste another 15 years….dont marry him. The wedding is off he said because you haven’t done what you were told and lost the weight - stick to that, the wedding is off.

My friend is overweight, when she was getting married she signed up to a shake replacement plan to lose weight. Her fiance found out and told her not to do that. He said just get a dress that fits sonyou don't have to worry about losing weight. I remember thinking what a lovely man, accepting her as she is, not allowing her to starve herself to look thinner. She looked beautiful on her wedding day. Your fiance should love you as you are. To send pictures of you and saying youre overweight, is bullying and mean. Personally I'd have a chat and ask him if he really wants to go ahead or cancel? If he wants to cancel, I'd do it.

I agree with PP, a lot depends on your financial situation and how you are paying for stuff and own stuff.

Marriage is a contract, nothing more - it either gives you financial stability or it weighs you down in debt.

Love has nothing to do with marriage.

And the children will still have two parents.

I bet you’re the higher earner, look after the kids and house whilst he’s down the pub?

Even a night off every other weekend would be worth separating for.

I'm thinking the same thing. Because common law long term relationships don't provide any security in the event of separation (divorce), getting married is your best option. Then divorce the sorry fuck as soon as possible.

Don't leave the decision up to this prick,

Take control and end it. He sounds abusive and I agree that there is likely more you haven't told us about his behaviour.

You deserve better and so do your children. He doesn't love or respect you and it's time to bin him.

Yes it's messy splitting when you have kids and financial ties but it's less messy long term than staying with a man who belittles you and makes you feel like shit.

Do not go ahead with the wedding and make it your choice to end it rather than being manipulated and held to ransom by him.

OP
listen to this advice

This!! Does he by any chance refer to marriage as “just a piece of paper” and did you have to push like fuck to get him to agree to marry you at all?

I think sadly he’s just using this as an excuse. I suspect there will always be a reason why he just can’t go through with the wedding ‘yet’

Sorry but I doubt this is his only issue. He sounds quite emotionally abusive

Do not marry this man!

I really started to believe when he said that he would be marrying me regardless that he meant it. I guess now I know he doesn't think I'm worth it.

Of course he will, because he’s aiming to break your confidence and control you. He wants to marry you, just a broken version of you. Perhaps he’s planning on affairs so he needs you to think you can’t do better and leave him.

Yes, 15 years is a long time. But the rest of your life is longer.

What would you tell your daughter or your best friend?

If he apologies in the morning, don’t accept it. Look back at what you’ve written here, he’s not gone a bit further than he was planning, or got a bit drunk. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Wow what an awful thing to say. Has he done anything like this before?

Best advice here.