Bride in need I really don't know where to turn

Many, many years ago now I had a partner who, over time, started going on and on about my weight (he wasn’t slim line either but that didn’t stop him). I dieted and lost weight but he found something else to go on about, he decided he didn’t like my hair. A bit of weight crept back on, not lots but enough to get him going on about my weight again. I wasn’t terribly overweight - a 16/18 depending on the shop - anyway I ended up finishing with him. Literally a weight lifted and without him constantly going on about my weight I actually lost the weight and have never put it back on.

DH just wanted us to be married and have a lovely, happy day with our family and friends. He was incredibly thoughtful about the day and sorted lots of things out.

I was a size 16-18 when we got engaged 4 months earlier. My weight is never an issue for him. He thinks I am beautiful (he's deluded but I don't mind that). I did lose weight (for me and the photos) and was a size 14- I look slim at a size 14 -but he really would have been happy whatever I had weighed. He was so sure we were right for each other and thought he was really lucky that he was marrying me (and he was 😁).

My point is, your DP should want it to be a lovely day and for you both to be happy. He should be proud of you, be doing his best to make it the best day for you both, so it's one if your happy memories you share. He sounds like a shit who likes to make you feel grateful to him for being with you, as if he's doing you a favour. If you go along with that, he holds power over you and your self-esteem is eroded. He can behave badly and get away with it because you'll put up with it- what he's doing now is a classic example.

If you marry him you will be settling for less, less for the rest of your life, less love, less affection, less support, less respect, less joy, less happiness. You'll be choosing less for yourself.

Don't do it. Don't accept it. You deserve better and will find it and it will be someone who loves you and wants to be married to you whatever you weigh.

It’s very confusing when people vote based on something other than the direct issue. It skews the result.

Holy fuck, some people are just awful. Congratulations on escaping this and wishing you a wonderful future with everything you deserve.

He doesn't love you. Why would you even consider staying in a relationship with this vile man, nevermind marrying him.

I'd ask him to.leave. I would also mention that you are fully aware that he would like you to be slimmer, likewise you would like somebody with better moral fibre and a nice sized dick .... hey ho, we are both not getting what we want.

He's telling her she's too fat , how do you work that out?

What an absolute prick! Your better off not marrying him!

Please don’t marry an abuser. You and your children deserve better. 🌺

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

What the very fuck have I just read?!

I read posts on here about some truly awful partners but this cunt you've landed yourself with really is a vile specimen.

I say this to not be a smug bastard but to hopefully make you realise how far removed for acceptable this is.

I have a lovely relationship, we are 50/50 and I'm very happy. If my dp was to and we have 4 kids, we've been together many years and jointly own our house etc and if he ever, no matter how lovely things are day to day, but ever did anything like this he'd be gone. And I'm hope the same for any woman. Unless this fucker is a multimillionaire leaving you his estate and is 3 hours away from taking his final breath, I'd see no reason to even consider staying.

Fuck him, fuck his audacity, fuck giving him any more of your life.

What happens when you're a size 10 through fear and misery? Do you get threatened with divorce if you don't have regular botox to keep you fresher looking? What then? Nah, save yourself another 15 years of being tied to him.

What is it exactly you love about him?
Genuine question - sometimes people say they love someone but when they try to figure out why they realise they actually don't

I always believe it's worth having marriage guidance at least a few sessions when thinking about ending a long partnership particularly when there are kids and even more so if there is a child with more challenges.

At the very least - you could make parting smoother as you get the chance to understand the other's point of view.

I agree that what he said sounds unacceptable- but I want to know why he is saying this now?

Men do care how their partners look, they are more visually focused aren't they? And the wedding is the photos and the status and everyone looking at the couple. It's like he's had a panic and doesn't want to be judged.

Now of course the impact on you is horrendous but what he's said may have come from a childish place not a place of hatred for you. And I'm. Or saying it's acceptable!

Weddings can drop a bomb into people's relationships and create unpredictable outbursts which appear to make no sense. I hate this about weddings. They can cause do much anguish as there's too much pressure, they cost a fortune, people fear judgment etc

I'm not saying this is acceptable but the relationship should be judged on its length and the heavy lifting it's done for the whole family.

I am the same size and I would be devastated - but throwing away a working relationship which supports a family - that's crazy - if possible it would be much better to sack off the wedding. It's clearly freaking him out. Then work on your relationship as a priority.

I wouldn't tell people why until you know what's actually going on with him and how much he loves you. I think it's possible to have said something horrible to someone you love.

Let me guess… being slim comes easily to him?

I was with a man who wanted me to lose weight. It was exhausting and soul destroying. You cannot imagine what it’s like to be with someone who never makes those comments, sly digs, the ultimatums and makes you unworthy because of your weight. It makes your heart lighter.

Wat??

I've voted yabu but because I don't think you should marry him. I'm so sorry OP.

This is the man you want to stand by you- thick and thin, ups and downs, deaths, potentially caring for ill people in your life; and he says this?

There's plenty of me and my OH still says lovely things to me everyday.

15 years is a long time to walk away.

No, it really isn't when you imagine living with this vile excuse of an abusive, manipulative bully for another 15 years. At what point do you give yourself permission to lead a happier life? At what point can you tell yourself you are worth more than this? When are you allowed to say "enough"?

You ARE being emotionally and mentally abused. Go look on the Relate website or Women's Aid, or Refuge. Don't think it's that bad? How about looking on the uk government website or your local council or how about Citizen's Advice website for their description of emotional abuse. You will find yourself on every single one.

Absolutely this 100%

You can do this. I'm not sure in the uk about leaving the house. But don't do it until you're sure you can live there and he has to leave.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Is this how you want to be treated ? If this was happening to one of your children in the future would you think this was okay?
You have one life, just one. Why would you spend a second more of it with a man who takes photos of you, not as the happy beautiful mother of his children who he absolutely adores, but to show you how fat you are ?

OP, the only reason to lose weight is for your own physical health, self esteem, and to be there longer for your children.

Goodness OP. He's previously said that he'd "marry you regardless" of the weight? That is not OK. You are 15 years older than when you met and have had kids. Does he look the same as when you met? No belly? No receding hair?
Your lives are intertwined, sure. But it seems that you're not happy with pressure you feel from him about your job. And he's also pressuring you about your weight, and you feel grateful that he'll marry you despite the weight.
Don't make any rash decisions, but do have a think about whether he treats you the way you deserve - the way you'd want your best friend to be treated by her DH.

Oh this weight malarkey. Don't engage. You will never win and it will always be a stick to beat you with. I fell for this. I did lose weight at one point and, it's hard to explain my feelings - but he was TOO delighted. He was so pleased and well I know now the term is I got the ick. I knew it was too important to him and that I couldn't maintain this. Of course I put it back on and it was a constant battle and worry - hiding food, comments when I ate anything, say when we went out with family for a meal. It wore me down. He cheated - I forgave him and so it went on. Eventually he left anyway and I had wasted YEARS on him and buggered up my relationship with food in the process.

"because his not happy how I haven't lost the weight he wants me to before the wedding."

I got this far in your original post and knew the answer. Surely you know the answer too.

I’m so sorry op. I actually suspect he does still intend to marry you he’s just being a horrible bully. If you do cancel the wedding I’d make sure at least all his close family know why.

IKR?