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AIBU?

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My husband doesn't like anyone we hang out with

40 replies

Hocuspoc · 11/07/2024 00:41

We are literally down to one couple - hanging on a thread, he keeps saying this is the last time we meet them, and he has good opinion of one girl friend I hang out with.
I know one should be lucky to have one true friend in life, but my husband really took that to another level.
He also despises family visits (both sides of family).
He finds everyone annoying or thinks they are bragging or if not that then are envious, everyone keeps in touch out of interest etc...
Yes, sure, people are different, but so what if someone is slightly better off or different, we need to have some contact with other people.
What about our kid tomorrow when he will have some friends over, he needs to at least be kind to their parents.
But he simply is not budging. I had cousins over the other day, he spent entire evening silent, his body language was turning entire torso away from the guy who was trying to engage him in afriendly conversation but soon gave up.
I felt soo bad when they left, there was absolutely no confusion about him not wanting to see them ever again, and these are people I was close with and haven't seen for a long time - they really wanted to meet him too.
I just don't think his behaviour is normal!

OP posts:
Hocuspoc · 11/07/2024 09:52

TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/07/2024 09:39

God, I know lots of men like this. Several of my friends have husbands like this.

You just have to stay clear in your mind what is going on (he has massive social functioning problems) and that he is not going to drag you down with him.

You can't insist on "couples" socialising - he doesn't have to do that, and he doesn't have to prop up your social life, and anyone who only wants to socialise with you as a couple is no loss anyway. You can however maintain a busy and healthy social life without him, and not let it be blighted by negativity or sideswipes from him - just blank any attempts at that. And he doesn't get to bar you inviting people to your home - that is a hill I would die on, and I think if he can't understand that then you are in a shitty marriage and should consider your options. The rest I could put up with.

This is sort of how I see my situation and the biggest problem is the house visits. I have already adjusted to going alone and as you say - just naturally - the friends you got left are those who are truly into me, and not just couples socialization. And although I miss more of the group invites, fine.
But house visits - I really cannot be in a position where noone is welcomed. I can explain to my family and they will understand - but only them.
Plus, as I said - looking at playdates for kids, ours will be excluded pretty soon if we never invite back 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
LadyWhistled0wn · 11/07/2024 09:50

He doesn't sound ND just extremely rude & controlling. He's cutting you off from everyone INCLUDING both sides of the family, that's not normal. That's abuse.

You need to leave before you end up alone.

Chickenuggetsticks · 11/07/2024 09:48

Is he just an extreme introvert and also very rude? DH has pretty much zero interest in anyone who’s not me or DD. We are both what I would call confident introverts, he doesn’t really enjoy other peoples company, but he will make an effort as required if it keeps us happy.

If he’s happy for you to go by yourself it may just be that he really hates other people and really resents them in his space. You may just have to deal with it. But tbh it may not be the kind of life you want to live.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/07/2024 09:39

God, I know lots of men like this. Several of my friends have husbands like this.

You just have to stay clear in your mind what is going on (he has massive social functioning problems) and that he is not going to drag you down with him.

You can't insist on "couples" socialising - he doesn't have to do that, and he doesn't have to prop up your social life, and anyone who only wants to socialise with you as a couple is no loss anyway. You can however maintain a busy and healthy social life without him, and not let it be blighted by negativity or sideswipes from him - just blank any attempts at that. And he doesn't get to bar you inviting people to your home - that is a hill I would die on, and I think if he can't understand that then you are in a shitty marriage and should consider your options. The rest I could put up with.

Moonshiners · 11/07/2024 09:34

DonnaBanana · 11/07/2024 09:28

Someone is highly introverted and uncomfortable socialising with people outside the family and of course MNers jump to it being domestic abuse. Give me a break. He’s just not social. If you can’t tolerate that leave but it’s not the law to enjoy other people’s company.

Absolutely. But the OP does not have to stay in a relationship with someone like this. My DH does not really like socializing much whereas I am very sociable. He makes the effort for me but often like go out without him and it works for us. He would never be rude to people in our house.

DonnaBanana · 11/07/2024 09:28

Someone is highly introverted and uncomfortable socialising with people outside the family and of course MNers jump to it being domestic abuse. Give me a break. He’s just not social. If you can’t tolerate that leave but it’s not the law to enjoy other people’s company.

Hocuspoc · 11/07/2024 09:26

Ah neuro divergent

OP posts:
Hocuspoc · 11/07/2024 09:25

Moonshiners · 11/07/2024 09:19

I would say there are two possible reasons

  1. He is controlling you and wants to make your world very small.
  2. Possibly ND but still does not allow for being so rude (ND family here and some id us don't like company hugely, however none of us is rude).
Either way I would not stay in this relationship.

What is ND?

OP posts:
Hocuspoc · 11/07/2024 09:24

MammaTo · 11/07/2024 09:14

This is the blueprint start of controlling behaviour, isolating you from friends and family. I’d run a mile.

Yes I was thinking about that too. The confusing bit is that he is absolutely happy for me to go - anywhere anytime. There was never a moment in our 10+ years where I felt I could not go and meet up or travel with anyone.
It is that he refuses to take part, and refuses to have anyone visiting us at home. On two occasions I had to cancel two separate friends sleeping over while already on the way to London after we agreed for a one night stay (had to lie about getting really sick suddenly - I mean really really unpleasant situation).

OP posts:
Moonshiners · 11/07/2024 09:19

I would say there are two possible reasons

  1. He is controlling you and wants to make your world very small.
  2. Possibly ND but still does not allow for being so rude (ND family here and some id us don't like company hugely, however none of us is rude).
Either way I would not stay in this relationship.
MammaTo · 11/07/2024 09:14

This is the blueprint start of controlling behaviour, isolating you from friends and family. I’d run a mile.

Hocuspoc · 11/07/2024 09:13

cupcaske123 · 11/07/2024 00:49

Why are you down to one last couple? Is it because your partner is so rude to them they don't want to see you again?

He's isolating you OP, it's a big red flag. Is he controlling in other ways?

Because all other people - couples or not, he has driven away. For example, refusing to go to couple of get togethers in a row (even birthdays or celebrations) - I went by myself sometimes. And then after few times of that people would get the message - the woman from the couple would stay in touch with me and we remain sort of friends, but we don't get invites as a family or couple.
I am not really a social butterfly either, but I love hanging out with groups of people here and there and I am not happy he is driving people away.
And most of all I am worried about how included my son will feel in future - I would like us to keep a circle of friends that have kids so he has that experience...but my husband doesn't think of that at all it seems.
Actually when I explain - if he is in the listening mode - he acknowledges I am right, yet changes nothing in his behaviour.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 11/07/2024 00:51

With this behaviour he is training you to never spend time with anyone except him. You cannot go along with this. It is not in your interest at all to be cutting people off like that. It’s him you should be cutting off.

cupcaske123 · 11/07/2024 00:49

Why are you down to one last couple? Is it because your partner is so rude to them they don't want to see you again?

He's isolating you OP, it's a big red flag. Is he controlling in other ways?

Mmhmmn · 11/07/2024 00:47

OP, don’t stay with this guy. He’s clearly an arsehole who is trying to make you as isolated as he is. I bet he’s controlling in other ways as well?. This shitty behaviour towards people is a huge RED FLAG. You’ll be happier without him with your friends and family circle intact.