My husband doesn't like anyone we hang out with

I kind of sympathise with your husband tbh. I’m in my 40s now and have reached the conclusion that I just don’t like people. The majority either irritate, bore or disgust me. It’s usually one of those three. Maybe it would be more accurate to say that I don’t like socialising. I hate parties, weddings, christenings, anything like that. Hate, hate, hate them. And when people come to the house I’m usually longing for them to go. They probably feel the same about me.

It is a big deal though. If you don't invite people into your home you are keeping them at a distance and not letting them know you. The OP's husband wants to keep that distance, but she doesn't, especially for their children.

It’s up to you were you want to stay in this set up but tbh if this is your life going forward you need to accept and work with the situation rather than push against it

trying to force socialisation will just add pressure to the situation accept it and plan round it

wifes uncle is like this her aunty socialises on her own

I do think the Covid lockdowns have had that impact you mention on people who are naturally less inclined to socialise

I get your point about him not saying she can’t have friends but he is actually rude towards them, that will of course lead to isolation. The main issue though is that he’s doing the same to his son, he will also end up having a very small world and he hasn’t chosen that. Small children don’t just go out to coffee shops or for a walk together, they tend to hang out at each other’s homes.

Leave. It won’t get better.

This has nothing to do with neurodiversity or anything like that, it’s control and abusive control. He’s trying to isolate you from your support system.

My point is that I think there's a difference between someone who isolates you from friends, and someone who simply doesn't want the faff of having them at their own house.

I know there are different types of people, but me for example, I hate having people over, even best friends or family. It's my sanctuary. I won't stop my partner if they want friends over, but I'm not thrilled with the idea. As long as you don't stop them having friends, i.e. they can go out to meet friends, I don't see the big deal.

This is my husband too. We don't socialise anymore and he doesn't like people coming round to our house.
Wasn't like this before we got married. Happy for me to go out on my own though.
I feel bad for my children in that we have hardly ever had visitors in the past 15 years but he does let other children come round ( or rather I tell him they are coming round or having a sleepover).
It's quite lonely tbh. I just have to make sure I make an effort with my girlfriends and work colleagues to keep that social side of things.

But he doesn't. He doesn't let her have friends over and isn't happy for his child to have friends over and if they do he is rude to them which sabotages friendships. That is very problematic and very much only on his terms.

This. It's totally reasonable for him to have what he likes some of the time - which is not having to socialise - but it is your house too and he cannot have his own way about not having people round. If he won't be pleasant, he'll have to go out or you may have to reconsider the relationship. It's not fair on you or your children.

I can understand why you find this hard.

My fiancé is very social, but at times complains a LOT about going to see certain family on my side or having them over to our house. They haven't done anything to him, they're just not "his kind of people" but they are kind and generous, they just aren't his personal friends he'd prefer to socialise with.

I have said to him (I'm very laid back) that sometimes in life, unless it causes us pain and is unfair to ask, we do things for our other half and not for ourselves and that's how he should see it.

Did I want to go to every nephew/nieces birthday party at an awful venue or his sisters house with her totally psycho in-laws? No. Did I spend many Saturdays (having worked a busy week and needing to see my own family/friends more often) going to these things and then always being pulled into staying at his parents and writing off the entire weekend but a smile on my face? Yes. Because it was for him and he enjoyed seeing his family and there was no reason not to other than acting like a teenager saying "but I'd rather go here than there".

Is he even good company for YOU? 1 to 1.

Did you raise his extreme rudeness to your cousins with him?

You need him to be polite to your’s and your son’s guests, that is not unreasonable. You need him to socialise with other people as a couple whether that be friends or family. Again not unreasonable. But that’s just not who he naturally is unfortunately. How far are you both willing to compromise and are you satisfied with that? Only you can decide what is a deal breaker or not. Perhaps you’d be better suited to someone else?

I guess you and your friends are going to have to get used to only you and your child turning up to their events. I suppose if it’s going to be a small group, one or two couples and you, it might seem odd. But if they are good friends you’d hope they would be happy to see you even if you didn’t have your husband in tow.

The thing I would have a problem with is not being able to host friends in my home. That he would need to compromise on. Three or four times spread over the year when they only stay one night would be fair.

I get some people are introvert let but they need to weigh that up before cohabiting with someone who isn’t.

As long as he lets you see them on your own, I don't see the problem. I'm not social, I hate people, but I'd never stop my partner socialising.

I think there's a difference between not being social and being extremely rude. I sometimes wonder about male behaviour. My DP is extremely social (on his terms) but will get his phone and scroll if bored in a social situation and I now see some of my couple friends singly. He's not controlling me, we don't live together but I do find it socially sticky sometimes.

My DH hates any visitors to our home, however, he is happy for me to go away, wherever or to whomever I want to go. He is not controlling in any other way. He hates family occasions but will always make the effort for our DC or our close family but I accepted a long time ago that it's better for me to go without him than to force him to do something he has decided he doesn't want to do!
My DH has never been diagnosed as ND but we have ND DC and DGC and he displays ASD signs.
If your DH is ND then ensure you know where you stand with him, if he's controlling then run!

My friend has a similar husband - he will go to his Mums, but flatly refuses to engage with her family and won't go to any social events whatsoever. He'll sometimes drive the two hour journey to her Mums and won't even say 'hello' on the doorstep - he'll go off somewhere else. If anyone comes to the house, he seems to be able to cope if people are outside and will actually say 'hello' from the kitchen, but if anyone is inside or stays, he goes out to sit in the caravan. His main reason is he doesn't like the people, so why should he engage!

What she's learnt over the years, is to put lots of effort into old and new friendships and if she gets the chance to go out, she just goes - doesn't ask him if it's ok. She's such a nice person, DH doesn't mind if she's here without him.

He despises her family.

Plenty of people are ND and manage not to despise their partners’ family and refuse to have them over for partners’ sake. .

This x100

Yes, I think you are going to have to have an honest conversation where you say "I respect your right to be an unsociable git, but this is my home too. I want to have friends over, and our children WILL be having friends over. I will give you warning and we can do it in a way that doesn't require more than a polite nod from you before you scuttle off with some excuse, but you need to understand that you can't block me bringing people here." If he can't see the sense in that, you have problems, but I think if you openly accept that he himself is not required to be sociable he may agree not to be a total arse.

That sounds like a pretty good deal to me! Plus you never have to spend time socialising with friends if his who wouldn't be your first choice.

The not allowing people to visit in your home isn’t on though. That is really unpleasant and selfish of him. Surely he can find an excuse to leave you to it, work or DIY to do?

My husband is probably ND (but won’t discuss it) and has social anxiety. I met him at Uni where he appeared to be sociable and outgoing. We have probably only two couples we socialise with but he does have some other friends. He’s not rude though, just very quiet. It’s not worth leaving him over so I just socialise without him. He gets quiet time at home and I get to go out with my friends so we both win. At least I’ve always had a babysitter.