Is my mum trying to control me?

There is a rather large difference between insisting your small child brushes their teeth (reasonable controlling) and carrying out the activities described in the OP. It's not as simple as learning to "shake that off" - it's having to learn that it was never acceptable.

Mums are supposed to be controlling when you're young. They are looking after you. Thats literally their one job and its hard to shake that off sometimes . ;)

It looks like she wants to be involved in the wedding. If you're expecting a financial contribution from her then she has every right to put her views across. If you are paying it all yourself you need to be firmands tell her thats not what you want

This will only escalate. In your position I would elope (Gretna/ abroad, doesnt matter where) and have a party when we get back.

Don't accept nonspecific amounts of money, you're right to be wary, given the history. Decide on something that you'd be happy to allow her to have some input into, and say that you've saved and are able to cover everything but if she'd like to contribute towards the wine eg, then you'd be grateful. Make it something you're not hung up on. You can then say, when she tries to weigh on on table decorations or whatever, ah thanks Mum, we have that covered but looking forward to the wine tasting. Done.

Will she have a tantrum before the process is out because of a lack of control over the situation? Probably. Can you stop that happening altogether? Probably not. You just need to know where your boundaries are, stick to them, remain steady and observe. She's not you, you're not her, this is a big flashpoint for a lot of mothers who haven't come to terms with the individuation of their DC.

OK try having a conversation. & then other conversations and then some for the rest of your life. I'm sorry maybe OPs mother is not that bad and I am just using my experience as an example and therefore cannot see the situation for what it is and my view is warped based on my experience. so if that's the case then maybe a conversation will do the trick . I just know with my mother I tried conversations for years & she would not get the picture & still tried to dictate every aspect of my life. Although she was abusive when I was a child (broke my wrist etc) so again I apologise if OPs mum is not a controlling narcissist. It just appeared that way.

Yeah I understand you completely & it is difficult for anyone that hasn't been through that experience. The amount of people who say "you only get one mum appreciate her while she is here" without having any idea of how much we would love to have a normal mother. Just know that I understand xxx

They have mended the relationship because OP has established boundaries.
That doesn't mean the relationship is healthy - just that they can cope at a particular level.

A wedding provides the opportunity for a whole set of new things that don't have boundaries yet.

If a civil conversation was all that was needed, don't you think OP would have just had said conversation?

People are suggesting to cut the mother out, because they have experience of these sorts of relationships and know that "normal" rules don't apply. Decent people that know not to be controlling and manipulative don't need boundaries setting.

In a situation where the mother is known to have no respect for her daughter's privacy or boundaries, thinks it is ok to dictate what she does and has already gone out and is already demonstrating that she wants to take over wedding planning ... yes, it's controlling.

No, she already said they'd mended the relationship and established boundaries. And for those posters who say "cut her out of your life" !!!! WTAF ??? A civil conversation is all that's needed. Her mother is just excited about the wedding, as I was about my son's. As PRETTY MUCH EVERY MOTHER IS !!!! Is that not normal?? And as I wanted, just keep her in the loop. Ask advice/opinion... just involve her and she won't feel like she has to interfere just to be included !!! Way too quick to condemn and accuse and vilify on this site !!!! Try understanding and kindness... it's not hard!!!! Dreadful that the woman had the audacity to offer her daughter money for her wedding... how dare she care that much !!!!!!

Not sure what you want from posting this. Personally I would just ignore her and do your own thing. Do not tell her or anyone about your plans. They will find out on the day.

so I suggested she pay for something like my dress

Only do this if you both have exactly the same ideas on wedding fashion. Watch a few episodes of "Say Yes the the Dress" (a guilty secret pleasure of mine) to get some idea of the arguments brides & mothers of brides can have.

I'm with other pp - minimise her input. It's your fiancé's and your wedding. Long gone are the days when the brides mother arranged everything.

So you’re advising the OP to cut ties with her mother FOREVER, because she’s become over enthusiastic about the wedding??
How about just having a conversation with her??

Gifts don't come with strings attached.

I strongly suspect the OP describes "offering sums of money" as controlling because it comes with strings attached.

Re: the wedding stuff, no I wouldn't say that was particularly controlling. Very involved yes but not quite controlling. Offering huge sums of money for the wedding is what many wealthy parents would do but you don't have to accept it. Also asking people's opinions on the venue isn't controlling your actions is it? Just asking opinions to report back to you, to help you make an informed decision. I expect if you were unsure about somewhere and heard that an acquaintance had married there, you may ask for their opinion on it? It's your big day, so it's important to pick the right place!
Her buying things for the wedding without your knowledge is def overstepping though 100%

thank you for that, as everything you have just said is how my birth mother is she turns everyone against you because of guilttripping and gas lighting its like u look at these people and think how can u not see through their manipulative vile ways, ive cut mine off for good and i feel relieved too and the others who she has sadly moulded into her, its sadder having them in our lives, but it is more peaceful letting them go. the only thing we can do is just learn from our mistakes of allowing them to get into our heads and let them go. they eventually will eliminate others from there lifes looking for a new supply. x

Op just be careful. My mother similar. "Look at all we did for u" .. I tell her very little now. She was ask lately how people afford their hols ! So if you take money she in control

Put your foot down, don't accept any monies or gifts, she's clearly a controlling woman. Tell her your wedding is all sorted you don't want her interfering. Return all gifts.

I have to say the same and unsure if many won't agree. I did this & the relief I felt was immense. After a lifetime of this behaviour which then extended to once my first child was born. There was a moment where she was disciplining my son outside & it took my grandmother (my mums mum) to sit on the sofa and say to me "that is YOUR child. Why are you still allowing her to do this?"

I cut her off & did not look back until my eldest was 13. I made the mistake of letting her back in and the poster who said leopards don't change their spots was correct. So I cut her off again and the anxiety disappeared .

She has got other family members on board which means I have lost them too but it is worth it for the peace of not having the toxicity in my life.

This is your wedding. This is your big day and do not allow her to do this .

So I presume you are funding it all yourselves so say thanks but no thanks to the money

my mom is similiar but very vindictive. just cut her out ur life she will always find a way to cut the boundaries

Since when was it wrong for the mother of the bride to offer money towards her daughter's wedding? Why is it automatically deemed to be controlling and interfering? Why is it not thought to be coming from a place of love and excitement?

In a situation where the mother is known to have no respect for her daughter's privacy or boundaries, thinks it is ok to dictate what she does and has already gone out and is already demonstrating that she wants to take over wedding planning ... yes, it's controlling.

In a lovely, warm, close relationship where everyone treats each other respectively ... OP would not have posted this thread.

Since when was it wrong for the mother of the bride to offer money towards her daughter's wedding? Why is it automatically deemed to be controlling and interfering? Why is it not thought to be coming from a place of love and excitement? Do you have a dad? He's not mentioned. If she's a single mum then she'll be over protective, yes, and undoubtedly desperate to be involved. And yes, I get that following you at 19 was utterly ridiculous, but it does seem like she calmed down eventually. My son and now DIL wanted a spring wedding but couldn't afford it.... DIL's (affluent) parents refused to contribute a penny. My husband and I offered to pay for everything and they happily accepted. We gave them a decent sum of money to go ahead. From that second on we were excluded from everything by DIL. I didn't want to make any suggestions or have any say in decisions but I hoped to at least be kept in the loop. But NO !!!! My DIL consulted her own parents, her own sister, Turned down every offer of help i gave. And while my son thanked me for enabling them to get married, my DIL never did. Never once mentioned it. So cut your mum some slack. Yes, of course she shouldn't be buying stuff without consulting you, but keep her involved and just tell her you want to do it together rather than make individual choices. It's coming from a place of love.

You need to be firm now or you will be right back where you were.

No to buying things for your wedding
No to telling you what to do

It's hard but if you don't put your foot down now it'll carry on..Explain to her you want to keep her involved with wedding but your choice only .if can't stop organising and talking to others then not involved.it shows you love your mom and she loves you but you need your life.tell her you don't want to carry on like this and it'll lead to her losing you in her life. is that what she wants?.this should be a happy time for you.havve you a relation that could get through to her.hope it goes well.i understand been there and I'm lot older.