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Original poster

Is my marriage toxic or within the realms of normal?

38 replies

Newname699032 · 10/07/2024 22:50

Posting here for traffic.
Apologies it may be long and thank you in advance for reading and replying.

Background: married 7 years, together 12 in total, both in our 30s. One child together. Love my husband but was never in that heady head over heels stage for him. Felt like he was more into me at the start and I think I found that attractive as I wanted to settle down and get married etc.

He's a good guy fundamentally and I know he will ultimately always have my back and want what's best for me.

The issues are: he's lazy around the house, doesn't do his share and can be lazy with regards our daughter too in terms of doing his fair share there. He earns very well but wfh mainly and has a fair bit of flexibility around his hours.

He also can be what I often wonder is emotionally abusive? Example: tonight as I was standing at the counter literally not moving, he bumped his toe into me as he was passing and literally shouted something along the lines of 'Jesus christ ~my name~ my fucking toe' basically blaming me for that happened. And I lost my shit at him. Shouted at him how dare he blame me etc. At one point he went forward at me in an aggressive way but nothing physical followed that thankfully.

I should add that I'm not intimidated by him and can hold my own but I do feel like sometimes the only way to get through to him is to come down like a tonne of bricks and that's exhausting tbh. One positive I suppose is that he is always so quick to apologise and want to make things right. That's why I wonder are we just a bad fit?

In public though he can also be quite nasty I find and never seems to moderate his voice if we're having an argument. I think he knows I find that mortifying and am unlikely to go at him in public the way I would in private for speaking to me like that. I suppose at least there's no difference to his behaviour in private v public. He's quite what you see is what you get in general.

Luckily our child was asleep tonight but if she witnessed any of that I'd be horrified.

Would love some advice please.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newname699032 · 10/07/2024 23:42

Freebumblebee · 10/07/2024 23:32

Definitely toxic and I’d agree emotionally abusive. I’d weigh up my options with regard to whether you want to stay with him and when everything is calm, lay out your expectations re. him not raising his voice or being nasty in public again. But be prepared to walk away though if you’re threatening it. And think about whether you’d want your child learning that it’s ok to put up with this behaviour from a partner. He “went forward” at you as a show of dominance. Remember that a common assault in UK law is something that causes you to fear unlawful force, it doesn’t have to just be physical. What were his intentions in coming forward at you?

I said that to him about trying to show his dominance by doing that. I suppose what I will say is just prior to this I had verbally lost my shit at him so I suppose I was being verbally abusive to call it what it is. All I'll say though is that doesn't exist in isolation. That wasn't the first time he'd blamed me over something stupid that had nothing to do with me and I will always defend myself even if it doesn't sound pretty. That's why I ask are we just toxic together? He's already apologised and trying to make up for it as is the usual pattern.

I find the contempt for him I feel in the moment quite difficult. I think that's my main question - do all relationships have their issues? Am I expecting too much or actually too little here?

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 10/07/2024 23:39

It sounds toxic to me. When you point out a certain behaviour is upsetting and the other person carries on doing it anyway, you know you're not in a relationship. You're on the sidelines of someone else's life. That's not good enough, as you are finding out. Your partner should enhance your life. That's the measure.

Freebumblebee · 10/07/2024 23:32

Definitely toxic and I’d agree emotionally abusive. I’d weigh up my options with regard to whether you want to stay with him and when everything is calm, lay out your expectations re. him not raising his voice or being nasty in public again. But be prepared to walk away though if you’re threatening it. And think about whether you’d want your child learning that it’s ok to put up with this behaviour from a partner. He “went forward” at you as a show of dominance. Remember that a common assault in UK law is something that causes you to fear unlawful force, it doesn’t have to just be physical. What were his intentions in coming forward at you?

Original poster
Newname699032 · 10/07/2024 23:31

WineIsMyMainVice · 10/07/2024 23:29

Is ‘he paying’ for the cleaner as he thinks this negates him from doing the other 50% of the jobs/chores that are left? Therefore meaning that he’s bought his way out of his share?!! If that’s his thinking then you have a big problem.

Yeah pretty much. It's unsurprising he had to do very little at home growing up. Blows my mind really but that's how some boys were reared I suppose.

OP posts:
WineIsMyMainVice · 10/07/2024 23:29

Is ‘he paying’ for the cleaner as he thinks this negates him from doing the other 50% of the jobs/chores that are left? Therefore meaning that he’s bought his way out of his share?!! If that’s his thinking then you have a big problem.

Original poster
Newname699032 · 10/07/2024 23:26

Definite gaslighting goes on but it doesn't work, at least not these days. I literally interrupt and say stop gaslighting me.
I know I'm painting the worst picture here, obviously there's good in the relationship too and we get on, are affectionate and playful...but there's this other side to it. He can be sarcastic and abrasive. I just feel tired by that side of him. The thoughts of splitting up then just feel enormous and upsetting. Not to mention where we live is so expensive. I don't think there's an easy answer really.

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 10/07/2024 23:24

In what way is he nasty?

Original poster
Newname699032 · 10/07/2024 23:20

@Crab770 no he's not a software engineer and doesn't pay all the bills. I work full time too but as a teacher so at least get the holidays off. We pay the bills in proportion to our salaries. He's lazy as in does v v little around the house. He pays for a cleaner every two weeks as I feel like he can at least contribute that way which he agrees with. Although being married it's technically both our money I suppose.

I think the only reason I somewhat accept the inequality around the house situation is because my job at least offers good time off. But I still don't think it's OK.

I think tonight just triggered me as not only do I feel I do the lions share but then to have him blame me like that was just so pathetic.

OP posts:
DamnNutella · 10/07/2024 23:19

He’s gaslighting you. I’m glad you are able to stand up for yourself and call him out on it. Has he always been this way or has something triggered it?

yeesh · 10/07/2024 23:14

Toxic and abusive, it’s not normal to behave the way he is towards you. He sounds very angry, the toe thing is really dramatic and over the top

Crab770 · 10/07/2024 23:13

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keylimedog · 10/07/2024 23:06

Sounds toxic from what you've said if I'm honest. If a friend told me what you've written I'd be telling her the relationship didn't sound good at all.

BabySnarkDoDoo · 10/07/2024 22:59

Is he trying to start arguments with you in public regularly? I feel like most people's natural response would be to want to quickly diffuse a potential argument in public. It sounds like he has something wrong in his personality which is driving him to actively seek out conflict with you, I'm not sure it's usual for someone to act like that in a loving relationship.