To find the moral high ground bloody exhausting?

I really feel for you OP. I'm aggressive as fuck & honest about everything which comes with its own problems but I might consider the parcel box & dh sending a civil message asking her to stop & giving her options such as

A:she continues to send stuff despite your wishes in which case it will be sent straight to the charity shop

B: she can save money & give it to them if they wish to accept it when they're adults

C: she can make a donation to charity instead- Tommy likes guide dogs & Lily likes food bank

Obviously tailored to whatever you find acceptable & end with 'thank you for your cooperation' or some such.

The benefit of dh taking over comms like pp says is that she won't be interested in dealing with him & wont get the satisfaction of seeing you annoyed.

Really hope you manage to shake that bitch off. It's a terribly vindictive sort of bullying. The pp that said don't make a drama out of it must have led a charmed life not to understand ways in which some people choose to be vindictive

Did you read her posts?
What an insensitive response.

This is not unreasonable at all. This person is a twisted, passive aggressive POS.
Do not let this freak have your new address. Tell your other relatives that if she gets it from them you will never speak to them again. Draw a line in the sand and stick to it.
There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries. There is something very wrong with people who violate them. Stand your ground.

Depends on the scenario. If you'd been raped in a tent by a bearded trumpet playing neighbour and your sinister family member kept sending your kids toy tents and bearded figurines and toy trumpets I think you'd be triggered and knowing your crazy relative was sending them to upset you would likely really trigger all sorts of things in you

Completely agree with PP about getting a parcel box. The children don't need to ever receive anything from this woman. You never need to acknowledge anything either.

Ignore any questions about parcels being received. It will be so much easier when you move. Make it clear you don't want your address given to anyone and if the parcels continue then never acknowledge any of them being received. Whoever has given her the address either got it wrong or lied. Let them take the heat for the betrayal.

It takes a lot of energy to get past trauma, and having constant reminders makes it so much harder. She knows what's she's doing, don't let her continue to take that power from you.

You are lucky to never have been in the position OP is in then.

This all sounds too complicated if parcels are for my child they get the parcels and I would move on, they get presents and I would feel no need to turn it into a drama

Completely agree with those saying you don't have to pretend this person is nice to your children. They are small now (you haven't said their ages but my guess is primary aged?). My older teenagers are my biggest allies and supporters when it comes to dealing with my toxic family. They are fierce and strong and not remotely bothered about offending Great Aunt Marjory. I have a lot of baggage from my upbringing and can fall into old patterns of trying to please everyone, but my children have no such baggage. They are clear-eyed and they help me be strong. They are on my team.

Parenting is tricky! It's so hard to get the balance right between them being able to be assertive (and coping with them learning to refine the techniques, which means they'll get it wrong sometimes and be rude while they learn) and not, as adults, being rude.

You said your family is fragmented, you've got a very close relative who is clearly actively malicious and subtly an enemy and you're a people pleaser. It sounds to me like you've had a number of challenges growing up. Have you considered the dreaded therapy? It doesn't work for everyone, but it can for some.

At least your partner has your back ... that's a huge strength.

@Waytoomanycoasters Get a post box outside your home, like they have in America. You have the key. You can get parcel boxes too https://www.smartparcelbox.co.uk/buy-online.html

You have the key. Nobody else gets to see the post before you do. Anything you know is from her goes straight in the bin. Anything you’re not sure about gets opened by you and chucked before the children see it.

As soon as the children get old enough, explain to them what’s going on, so they understand.

@OriginalUsername2 s idea is great, so is the idea of a post office box.

I think that you quietly need to start teaching your children that not everyone is nice though. Personally I think teaching children to be aware of manipulation techniques is very important. I have an extremely clever manipulator in my family, and over the years I've been able to point out inconsistencies between what she claims and what she does, and they've been able to see it for themselves. Along with pointing out that Grandma sometimes spectacularly says the wrong thing and it can be hurtful but she just sometimes doesnt realise it, and has a heart of gold - intent counts for so much!

Would a PO Box work for you? There is an option of collecting your mail yourself instead of having it delivered to your home which would give you the time to decide whether anything needs to be returned or “lost” -https://www.royalmail.com/receiving/po-box

She is giving me "Misery" vibes, OP. Very obsessive and scary. She clearly knows what she's doing and that's what makes it so hateful.

Regarding your other relatives, do they know what happened to you (the thing this woman is referring to in her gifts)?

You’re in a huge trap of worrying what people will think.

I would tell those with opinions “I understand why you think that but I know her better.” and stand by that. Say it with confidence.

Your children will understand when they’re older. For now you have to be in control. New rule - mum and dad deal with the post, not the children.

Ideally your husband would also do it in the family group chat to enhance the social effect. (But you might think that would trigger too much family drama.)

OP

Get your husband to speak to her - actually speak to her first - so hopefully catch her unaware - and then write her the same. Telling her to stop, that she's being cruel etc.
Part of how these situations continue is that the bully sees that their victim is alone in her discomfort, and has noone on her side.
Also the social pressure of having someone else pull her up on it.

How old are your children? Mine know that the reason Mummy doesn't have any contact with xxx is that she is a lady who was very unkind to me- and she was unkind to me for a long time.

They know how she is related to me.

I know you don’t want to share what the gifts are but I think whether you can report it as harassment it does depend what the stuff is / how innocuous. For example if you’ve said you don’t want your children to have any toys or even any soft toys or nice clothes and she keeps sending them then she’d easily argue that you’re being cruel and she’s being kind.
but if it’s something more understandable like toy guns or a weird theme thing like clowns then you’ll more likely be able to gain understanding if you report it as harassment. Is the historical thing something criminal? That would also help.

Why do you think your sister is deliberately sending stuff that upsets you? It’s a really cruel and weird thing to do.