To feel angry at how few people make a plan for their own old age

Apologies-I later saw you mentioned that on an earlier page. I know how that poster feels to an extent. it's mainly at night when I can't sleep do I get to panicking about being alone and ill-and I'm only in my 30s! I do have anxiety though. Sickness is scary and I feel like you are forced to go through it with little relief. Add on old age and risk of falls and no one to call on you and it's worrying.

Mind you having family members to worry about when they're ill is scary too-having that responsibility, when to call for help, trying to advocate for them etc. I'm basically the sole person to do that for my mum as my siblings are too busy and I do worry I'm not the best person to have that responsibility.

The thing is you don't know anything about this poster. She could have had a happy life and childhood, she could have a family and partner of her own, close friends and supportive network. She could actually be coping quite well with her grief and posted this at a particular moment of time where she felt maybe felt overwhelmed. Of course losing your parents will be upsetting, but you won't be spending every day wallowing on the sofa paralysed with grief. You'll find a way to move through the pain because you have to, life moves on.

And I'm going to be brutally honest as I see you post on thread after thread looking for reassurance and posting about how awful your life is going to be. The pain of losing parents isn't something that is unique to only children, people with siblings struggle with this too. While I am not minimising the grief you will feel when your parents pass, an only child who has had both their parents live into well adulthood before the die is quite frankly not the worst thing in the world. Not by a long stretch. Some people lose their parents at a very young age. I really would try and get some perspective on your situation whether that be through professional means.

You say you have a partner and friends and two parenrs so you've already got a lot in your life that you should be grateful for. Instead of telling yourself you're going to have this awful sad lonely life and wasting time looking for evidence of why this will be, you should be spending your life being productive, living your life and perhaps actually seeking some professional support

I can empathise you've got anxiety and this does make things difficult but I've found some of your posts on this thread quite offensive and down right unhealthy. Telling people they need to go build a support network because they are over 60 and implying that parents who have kids older or have only children are setting their kids up for a lifetime of unhappiness and misfortune is offensive. You have no idea of people situation and just because you have struggled with your own situation, doesn't mean others will.

Regarding some of my posts about the fear of being left alone as an only child, I found the following on another forum and thought I would share to show that it is a genuine fear and concern that some of us only children have. This is from an adult only child who has recently lost their mother:

'My whole family is gone now, it's just me in our house surrounded by our special memories. I am terrified all the time. I sleep on the couch with the TV on. I wake up every few hours shaking, knowing I am in the house all alone. Things that never bothered me before scare me now. No one to eat with, share inside jokes with or ask how I am feeling. No one for me to care for. My life's purpose is gone. All our traditions are gone.

The more days I am alone, the worse it gets. I imagine my mother crying in heaven as she watches what I am going through. She would never have wanted this for me - fear, suffering and lonliness'.

Imagine reading that and knowing there is a significant chance that it is your future. Heartbreaking and terrifying in equal measures.

what sort of plans? Not everyone is in a position for example able to plan ahead esp financially. Many people just exist from paycheck to paycheck.

Apologies-I later saw you mentioned that on an earlier page. I know how that poster feels to an extent. it's mainly at night when I can't sleep do I get to panicking about being alone and ill-and I'm only in my 30s! I do have anxiety though. Sickness is scary and I feel like you are forced to go through it with little relief. Add on old age and risk of falls and no one to call on you and it's worrying.

Mind you having family members to worry about when they're ill is scary too-having that responsibility, when to call for help, trying to advocate for them etc. I'm basically the sole person to do that for my mum as my siblings are too busy and I do worry I'm not the best person to have that responsibility.

No. I am an only child and didn't have children (by choice).

Understood and taken on board. I am not someone who usually wallows or feels sorry for themself, but I do feel I have seriously missed out on the family front. And I hate how society places so much emphasis on family 'being everything'. Makes me feel worthless and a failure.

Do you have kids and/or nieces and nephews though?

That sounds sensible. I see what you mean now regarding groups.

I admit, I do have an issue. I am genuinely terrified. I wish I could shake the fear, but I can't.

I read a blog from a lady in her 70s who is an only child with no family and it paints a very grim and bleak future. It has convinced me that that is what lies ahead for me.

Right. Australia. In the UK, where the majority of the posters on this site reside, there is a difference between care and nursing homes, as described previously.

Aged care homes are also known as nursing homes or residential aged care facilities.

Move to an aged care home, things to be aware of | NSW Government

In which, only 1% of Australians older than 65 reside, I might add.

Older Australians, Housing and living arrangements - Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (aihw.gov.au)

Kindly, I suspect you are searching out people who feel as you do. There are lots of only children in the world - I have never met one who spends so much time feeling sorry for themselves about it as you do. My DF died last year and I felt nothing like the adult child you quote, nothing at all. I'm not fearful, suffering, or lonely. When I read what that person wrote I feel like telling them to get a grip tbh.

There is a circle of life in which everyone dies. We have to accept that, put the thought aside, and get on with life.

Ah OK, we'll that does make me feel the future could be more positive. I just don't know though. I am still relatively young (under 40). Maybe age will bring wisdom. It's hard to look far into the future when it's still a long way off.

Kindly, I suspect you are searching out people who feel as you do. There are lots of only children in the world - I have never met one who spends so much time feeling sorry for themselves about it as you do. My DF died last year and I felt nothing like the adult child you quote, nothing at all. I'm not fearful, suffering, or lonely. When I read what that person wrote I feel like telling them to get a grip tbh.

There is a circle of life in which everyone dies. We have to accept that, put the thought aside, and get on with life.

Oooh, bad language. That is another side-effect of ageing.

You shared one grieving woman's rather histrionic freakout. It is most unusual. Every older woman I know lives on their own happy as Larry, with rich, full, vibrant lives, and would crack up laughing if they read your projections of the "terrors" ahead for younger people.

By "the future" I mean in five or so years, and anyway I'm not looking for friends who will help me when I'm old - that seems weird - more something like church groups. In my town there are a couple of organisations for seniors and I will probably join them - when I feel "old enough"!

I still consider myself young, and have friends in their early 70s who still appear young to me. I am completely opposite to you in my views and don't spend every waking minute worrying about my old age. My parents have only recently died, this is now "my" time and I am not going to ruin it by worrying about the distant future. I do have an exDH btw, who I could rely on should anything untoward happen in the near future.

I don't mean to sound unkind, but you really do seem to have some sort of issue around this.

Regarding some of my posts about the fear of being left alone as an only child, I found the following on another forum and thought I would share to show that it is a genuine fear and concern that some of us only children have. This is from an adult only child who has recently lost their mother:

'My whole family is gone now, it's just me in our house surrounded by our special memories. I am terrified all the time. I sleep on the couch with the TV on. I wake up every few hours shaking, knowing I am in the house all alone. Things that never bothered me before scare me now. No one to eat with, share inside jokes with or ask how I am feeling. No one for me to care for. My life's purpose is gone. All our traditions are gone.

The more days I am alone, the worse it gets. I imagine my mother crying in heaven as she watches what I am going through. She would never have wanted this for me - fear, suffering and lonliness'.

Imagine reading that and knowing there is a significant chance that it is your future. Heartbreaking and terrifying in equal measures.

Fair enough, that is your perspective. I am just sharing another (and without the bad language). Glad to hear you are happy though.

I don't mean to worry you, but do you not think now is the time to start developing your support network, rather than the future? I know 65 is not elderly, but you are a lot older than me (almost 30 years older) and it is something I am already thinking about and working on. Friendships can take a long time to develop and it can find a long time to 'find your people'.

Anyway, just thinking out loud really. If it's not helpful, please ignore!

Of course I’m not making things up. There is a real difference between nursing homes and residential care homes. It certainly matters if you’re looking for a place in one of them!

www.careuk.com/help-advice/what-s-the-difference-between-a-care-home-and-a-nursing-home

Imagine reading that and knowing there is a significant chance that it is your future. Heartbreaking and terrifying in equal measures.

Jesus fucking H Christ. That is one (grieving) woman's perspective. Some of us have been on our own (gasp) for decades, and loving it.