Ostracised for staying at private school

Maybe I'm wrong but it sounds like your waiting for them to contact you. Have you tried arranging things with them?
My DC went to a different secondary school to the DC of my Mum friends from primary school we stay in touch but we're all pretty strict about arranging things regularly because we don't have the incidental meet ups we did at the school.

You aren’t in UK then. Are you in your own country or ex pats? If latter are their groups to join to make friends that way.
Mum friends are often transitory like work colleagues

I mean this kindly OP, and I am sure you had many valid reasons for sending your DC to his school, but if making local friends was a priority for you then you have made a strange choice by cutting yourself off from one of the main local communities. You will need to engage with some other community activities to make up for the lack of engagement in the school community. Is there a WI or mother's union in the village? Don't laugh, they aren't all jam and Jerusalem and some are quite young!

I don't think it's anything personal. We live in London and the children at my son's nursery ended up in a range of schools (mostly state). The ones we stayed in touch with are the ones who went to the same school because we see each other every day and our children request playdates together.

Surely the way forward is to focus on friendships at the school your child is now attending?

You’ve taken your kid out of the local
community and are now annoyed you aren’t included? That’s a bit tough.
They’re probably busy, and a lot at the at age is as-hoc cos you see people on the school run etc
Also, a BOARDING school, that age? Sorry, but those kids are going to be F-d up … is that what you really want for your child?

What have you done to Mai Tain the friendships since nursery/ over the holidays before school started. Did you organise play dates, catch ups and coffees and they didn't come? Or have you juts waited around to be invited?

There probably quite a bit that just comes out of practically. School mums see each other regularly and plans arise. Groups drift based on common interests.

Also as a SAHM to a 6yo, if you’re lacking actual interaction - get a job! You sound like you’re in a nice situation of not financially needing one, so you can look for something based on interests not necessity.

The state is ''Brilliant''...But not brilliant enough for your child.

That is how the other mothers will have seen it.

I think this is ridiculous.
My DD had three good friends at nursery. Two of them went to different primary schools, one went to the same one as my DD. All state schools.

We see that child, and I see that child's parents, way more. Not because we're excluding them, but because we see each other every morning, our children spend all day together, we go to the same birthday parties etc.
Our DDs did invite the nursery friends to their birthdays, but obviously they aren't at other school birthday parties. I will often end up walking back home after school drop off with this other mother (we both wfh), so naturally we have got to know each other better.

No one is a jealous bitch, a cliquey cow, a spiteful witch, or whatever other nonsense has been said on this thread. It's just circumstance.

The vast majority board, but they can’t board until 7, but your son is 6.
Is this some kind of logic problem? 🤪
Is he in a class of 3 with everyone else joining at 7 (to board) then?
Here you are worried about your friendships piggy backing on the mothers of his peers, what about friendships where day pupils are in the minority and live 45 minutes away?

Where are your pre-child friendships?

I doubt the “school mums” are deliberately excluding you. Often play dates are arranged because children are at school together, or for a daytime coffee, they’re jumping on a Whatsapp group that doubles as a “school stuff” group (anyone got this week’s spelling sheet? I’ve lost it!)

If you want to make friends, follow your interests.

''The Village Mums''

Crikey- that sounds like a clique I'd not want to be part of.

The village Mums are not offering you an 'in' to their gang. You've asked, they've tacitly declined.
Primary school 'Mum friends' are pretty ephemeral and you've kind of changed tribes by going to another school. I don't think they're going to include you.
I live in a village and some groups are definitely more cliquey than others.
If you want local friends then I suggest you take up some local hobbies or interests or volunteering.

Also, if that group did let you join their gatherings the conversation would regularly turn to school when you were out. Either you will feel excluded as they won’t moderate it for you, or they will be polite and stick to neutral subjects but get frustrated that they can’t talk about the school with a “stranger” among them. Or they will have to explain all the detail and acronyms and in-jokes and that will get tedious for them very quickly.

I like the idea of thinking of school parents like colleagues, as someone said above.

Also, I bet your husband doesn’t give a monkeys that the nursery parents don’t want to be mates with him any more.

There is more variety, yes. More schools and more diversity and different ideas. People can be friends if they make different choices lol.

Why on earth would you want to be friends with people who would treat you like that based on a decision you made in the best interests of your child ?

This. It can be difficult- we have had similar where a child in DCs class ‘went private’ and wanted to stay in touch. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the mum or judged her decisions at all but I’m busy with work and 2 kids and hobbies etc and I’d rather plow my limited socialising time and energy into the mums I see often and can meet with the kids who are friends than with someone who in your mind has moved on/away.

The state is ''Brilliant''...But not brilliant enough for your child.

That is how the other mothers will have seen it.

Making out the local state is ''So lovely and really quite brilliant'' is over -egging the pudding.

They will know at a fundamental level that you don't want your child mixing with all comers.

Private schools can filter out children they don't want.

They're not friends, but I don't think they're bitchy either.

OP essentially removed herself from the group by choosing a different school.

There's loads of mums I'm friendly with through my DC and I'll happily have a coffee with them on a play date or at a party, but only one has become an actual friend that I text or meet up with away from the kids.

I don’t think they should pull their child out of a good school because some of the school mums are bitchy! They’ll probably still be funny if he returned.

They’re not friends op.

Oh god this sounds like horrendous small village life! I’d get out and about and try to meet other parents including from weekend clubs. There have got to be other mums you can get in touch with from your school, even if it takes 45 mins to see them.

Are there any of the old schools mums who are nicer do you think?

I don’t really have time/need for local friends- I have my university friends and my friends from my young flat sharing days and I meet up with at least one of them once or twice a month. Many live in my city but not particularly local, but we are old friends so we make the effort to travel across town. I also chat to those friends on WhatsApp either one to one or in chat groups so I don’t feel lonely if I haven’t seen them in person for a while.

Do you have those sorts of friendships OP?

My other source of social interaction is at work- not so much socialising with colleagues but the friendly chat you have when working together. Could you look at getting a job? It sounds like you might be a bit bored during the day.

I do chat to school Mums but after 3 years those friendships are still superficial and that’s fine by me. However what is very important is that my son gets to form bonds with their children, who are genuinely his friends. It’s really that which you need to work on OP, not finding friends for yourself. Can the school facilitate him spending time with the boarding kids outside lessons? Do none of the day pupil families ever suggest play dates?

Why not change back, especially as the village school is so great, is the private one really worth it?

This happened to us. 75% of our DC’s preschool friends went to our nearest (religious) primary school. My advice is that kids make new friends at their own pace, you presumably have friends already, so other parents are the equivalent of colleagues: you do the same job. Make some playdates if you can, many kids do flexiboarding and go home for weekends. Don’t fixate on the situation, this is unhelpful and will fuel negative self talk.

So ridiculous and just a perfect example of the constant politics of envy in the U.K.

Freezing her out because she's made a different choice for her child?!

Imagine if this was reversed and private school mums did the same when a school mum switched to state, the comments on this thread would be so different!

Leaving aside boarding and the ideological question of private schooling, I get where the mums are coming from. Their DC will all be in school together and know each other for years so they're invested in the friendships.

My youngest is right on the cut off for school age. A lot of her nursery friends will start school in September and have moved to the out of school club childcare provision, but she's still at nursery. I'm not particularly invested in maintaining those friendships as she will make new friends at nursery school, primary school and her own cohort in childcare and they'll be the people she knows until secondary.

I think losing the community feel of using the local school was always going to be a downside of choosing a different school.