Ostracised for staying at private school

So if boarding starts at 7 and your son is 6, surely ALL the children in his class are day pupils? You need to get out there and make friends with them! Tough if they are geographically dispersed, these are HIS friends as well and presumably you must have factored this in as part of the planning for him going to this school? As so many others have said, school mum friendships are often based on proximity and the common factor of having children at the same school so you are all talking about the same school topics, extracurriculars, teacher leaving gifts etc. There probably is a bit of jealousy in some parents about your child going to private school but for the most part I think they probably just aren't interested in hearing about his/your life now that they don't share any of it in common.

Arrange things with your new school mums, coffee or a walk straight after drop off so distance doesn't matter. There must be a class WhatsApp group? If not, start one! Go to all the school socials you can to get to know people. Go to all the fixtures you can, you will make new mum friends.

Hopefully the village mums will come round and start inviting you to lunch again but this could take a while. They are either jealous or do not agree with private education, both of which are understandable.

That is hard, but possibly just because they were at school gates together. I am staunchly pro-state school but have friends with children at private. One thing that can get annoying is showing off about the swimming pool etc and one child started going on to my son about how much better his new private school was, that was annoying. Ultimately it can feel like a rejection or a feeling that you think you are better. I wanted my son at local schools because I want to be part of that community. Going far away could suggest you are less keen. However, I would invite them round etc before any conclusions. Alternatively make friends with parents at new school

Bullying WTAF 🙄…..they have all moved on….they are still in touch with each other because they have a common ground….same school….that is what being a school mum friend is all about…..sometimes these friendships last beyond school ….mostly they don’t….OP will have to make new friends or get her arse out of the village to meet up with the friends she already has

I wouldn’t take it personally. School mum friendships are easy to maintain because you see each other every day. I am still friends with a group from nursery but it’s so hard to keep it going because we don’t naturally see each other. It’s hard to all find time at the same time. Some have moved away, someone is always busy with something. Your group are probably just arranging things off the cuff on the school run. I quite often go to the park straight after school with whoever is free. It just happens organically. You’re not going to be part of that group if your child isn’t at that school, that’s just life. It’s not intentional or because you’re richer than them.

@Southwestten

I think it’s just that whole kneejerk “school mums are cliquey bitches” which winds some of us up. It’s an unpleasant and paranoid way to look at the world and it does people no favours to be told everyone is out to get them.

It’s irrelevant whether they are private or state school parents. They are just parents doing what they think is best for their kids. It’s highly unlikely these people have the time or energy to subject someone to a political vendetta.

Maybe switch over, make some nice friends and then switch back again in a few years.

I fear this will just make things worse for her DS, unfortunately.

No one is a jealous bitch, a cliquey cow, a spiteful witch, or whatever other nonsense has been said on this thread. It's just circumstance.

The op is getting flak because it’s state school parents who are being unfriendly. If she complained about the private school parents being unfriendly there’d be a pile-on about what did she expect? all private school parents are ghastly, entitled poshos.

School Mums can be bloody awful for this sort of crap.

I hate this whole "school mums are bitches" trope on here - I mean, isn't it just normal to socialise with the people you have something in common with and see everyday?

OP chose to send her child to a different school and to take herself out of her own social circle. As PP have said, it's pretty common to drop children off at school and decide to go for a coffee, or to pick the kids up and head to the park in the summer. They wouldn't think to invite the OP anymore than they'd think to invite a mum who was working from home.

And also sadly OP it's true that if you're a boarder, you do get treated differently vs a day pupil.

I'm facing that situation again myself with my DC and I wish very much I wasn't. It's not a great place to be.

Also for primary I'm not sure it's worth the money to go private. It depends on your DS's personality.

For those that are clever, they'll do well anywhere with a bit of a push from home/by themselves depending on character. You can support outside of school with going to sports/clubs yourself if you're DS is that way inclined.

Those that need more support academically, they're probably best placed to go to private as it can make a difference long term.

I'd still not bother with private until Year 4 at the earliest.

Maybe switch over, make some nice friends and then switch back again in a few years.

Sadly OP you'll need to find friends through other means.

School is not always the perfect place to find other Mum friends. It can happen. It can not happen also. It took 4 years for me to find anyone friendly at our local state school. So you imagine everyone would be friendly with you if you DS went there but not necessarily.

I'd suggest you find friends in the village through your own means, like through classes and hobbies rather than using your DS as a gatekeeper to your social life.

I'm more worried your wasting your money when you have access to a lovely primary.

Anyway, all you can do is be proactive and invite people to meet up 1:1 and see how things develop. School Mums can be bloody awful for this sort of crap.

I totally agree with you @Steppered - being a day pupil amongst loads of boarding pupils presents its' own set of challenges.

I live in a village and have found that if you don't do what everyone else does you get 'othered' a bit.

This is what puts me off moving out of the city tbh. Every now and then I fantasise about the fresh air, slow pace of life and friendly people but it’s the prospect of being judged for not being exactly like everyone else and having people gossiping about your life choices that keeps me away from it.

Politics aside I think the OP has probably dodged a bullet with these people.

Speaking as a former boarder, I'd ask you to have a really good think about whether this school will be the most nourishing environment for your child in the long run.

Boarding for any child - especially young ones - can be utterly brutal, with difficulties rearing their heads much later in life. I suggest you look into the works of Joy Schavarian here where the feelings of abandonment, bereavement, captivity and dissociation play out. Now, I know you say your child does not board, but as a "day boy" he will likely be rejected by those boarders because 1) they are envious that your child gets to go home; and 2) when he goes home at night - as he should - he is missing the "bonding" and activities the boarders get up to so the chances of him either becoming isolated, or indeed wanting to board himself to "fit in" could increase.

Perhaps I'll be piled on (again) by the pro-boarding militia who always want to tell me how things have changed but it's really not a risk I'd want to take. It's only through reading a lot around boarding school syndrome that this information on how it affects day pupils came to light so I just thought it might be worth sharing as it's a very niche area.

Oh here we go…🙄 The ‘hard work’ trope… trotted out by the privileged like the rest of us state school muggles sit scratching our arses…

And what is it? Snobby? Envious? Proud? Jeez the gormless lack of self awareness is astounding given y’all pay for that expensive education!

Op if I. Honest I think you’re exaggerating the amount of tots boarding, and it’s more you’ve failed to make friends with the parents in his current school, either due to distance or some other reason you’re not revealing,

have you no other friends, if this is you’re bored,and lonely. Then look into either working or volunteering. Or join the pta.

Why do your friends have to be local school mums?

You say you're a SAHM and you're bored when your child is at school and your DH is at work.

Perfect time to join groups/hobbies etc and meet new friends.

I live in a village and have found that if you don't do what everyone else does you get 'othered' a bit.

We get it because we're not pub fans. I'm also not going to join the WI or play bowls etc. Someone asked me outright why we bothered moving to here if we weren't going to get involved in village life. Simple answer, we liked the house and the village school is nice.

The other thing I'd say is that when it comes to kids, people can be awfully competitive and they really don't like it if they think they're being one-upped. Around here it's absolutely fine to shout across the hills if a child is eg picked for a football academy but anything academic is a huge no-no. Our DS is off to grammar in September and we've had some frostiness directed at us, for sure.

Just ignore it, OP. They sound like nobs, anyway. Imagine being that petty over someone else's choices for their kid.

That's rotten. Not sure they are friends worth having to be honest. Forget about them and build bridges with the mums at your child's school.

But you said he just moved over from nursery, so he moved what, 3 years ago?

I'd invite different ones over for playmates or park meet ups and get the lie of the land.

Is there anyone you gelled with that you could ask if they want to grab a coffee while kids are in school?

Otherwise I'd loom at volunteering or getting involved in groups where you will meet different people with or without kids

@TemuSpecialBuy

bluntly you have kind of fucked this up for yourself.

Seriously?

So you think a fleeting, convenience friendship group is more important than the OP’s kids education? And classy dig at SAHMs there too.

Honestly if they are really this shallow it sounds like she is better off distancing herself from them.

I doubt they're deliberately doing it, did you know them before/outside of nursery? They probably just think of you as one of the nursery mums and now you've chosen a different school they have nothing in common with you. I'm afraid that's just how it happens. Make friends at the new school.

I dislike the vitriolic attitude towards “school gate mums” on principle. This usually comes from people who are bitter and pissed about the fact that they didn’t get an instant social life gifted on a plate.

But I think your predicament probably has more to do with the fact you have lost that commonality with the mums than an active desire to ostracise you. School mums are busy and tired and don’t have much bandwidth to go outside the day to day routine for friendships. Unless something has been said I would put it down to expediency and convenience rather than spite.

My DD went to a private secondary after the local state primary and I know for a fact that a couple of the parents of some of her friends disapproved on principle of private school (as is their right). We talked about it and they acknowledged that they wouldn’t have chosen this for their children but understood why I had taken the decision for mine. This kind of situation can bring emotional discomfort and politics to the surface in a way which is uncomfortable. But people will judge others for all sorts of reasons and ultimately they have the right to do that. You can’t change that.

All you can do is decouple the political perspective from the human relationship and carry both as best you can. If they are decent people then ultimately it will be something you can get past. If not then it’s a friendship of expediency anyway and not one to cry over.