Ostracised for staying at private school

Where was he between nursery and starting in the private school last January at age 6?
Are you in the UK?

I had a group of friends at nursery, but we stopped hanging out when our dc went to different schools.

I think this is correct. The fact you are sending your son private is probably irrelevant and it would have happened if you had moved him to a different state school. Parents of young children, particularly when they work, don’t have time or energy to do much socialising and the school network is convenient.

This is one of the reasons it’s unwise to over invest emotionally in school network friendships. Because a large portion of these friendships are borne of convenience. That doesn’t mean that real friendships can’t develop and it certainly doesn’t mean “school mums are bitches”. It just means you need to realise that many of them may not survive if it becomes harder to meet up with your kids.

I don’t live in a village, but it seems to me that’s exasperating the situation.

This morning I had coffee with two of other school mums. Before Christmas another mum would have more than likely come too, but her little boy moved schools, and I think I’ve bumped into her once since. She’s lovely, we just don’t exist in each other’s orbits anymore. She wasn’t there when we made the plans. As others have said, it feels very much like having coffee with a colleague at lunch time. Until I read this thread I wouldn’t have even given it a thought.

I live in a relatively large town. The other school mum will have made ‘mum friends’ at the new school. In the unlikely event she did see us, it won’t be a big deal. In a small village, with fewer chances to make friends, I can see how that would feel lonely. The suggestions of joining a hobby group are good, you’ll have different common ground with people there.

What were your reasons OP? To be honest I think @boltonb has hit the nail on the head.

Rightly or wrongly, you've decided the school their children go to isn't good enough for your child. It's hard but people don't like feeling inferior particularly when as you say, the state school is excellent and therefore no reason for you to shun it really.

To be honest you have in a way excluded yourself and your child from a common and shared experience of the kids going to school together. These kids will build closer friendships with kids that are in school with them, engage in sports days together, attend birthday parties together and there parents will inevitably be a part of each others day to day lives and friendship circles.

You have opted yourself and your DC out of all this by making a choice to send your child to a private school though there is a good state school in your village. Unfortunately this is a result of the decision to do that.

I am so sorry, but I am not surprised, really. Basically, they are reading your choice as 'I am better than you, and my son deserves better than your kids'. One reason we chose to send ours to the local school, is to ensure this social cohesion and local friendships.

To be honest you don't need friends like this. They were obviously just friends of convenience and now you've moved on then its natural that you aren't in the same group. It's not jealousy, it's more that you were not really friends in the first place. They aren't "ostracising you". It's just school mums hang out together.

I had a group of friends at nursery, but we stopped hanging out when our dc went to different schools.

Before that I had a baby group but we lost touch in the school years.

I now have a group of school mums but I don't expect the friendships to all last. Some of these are people I sit with at school plays or talk to at pick up, or message about "what are the arrangements for x". Sometimes we socialise but it's not one big group.

I should imagine in a village you have to be pretty selective before you end up fake friends with people you don't really like.

I've dropped people nicely over the years or just not returned the overtures of friendship. It's life, you can't be friends with everyone.

The thread is precisely about the mum wanting to stay friends with the other mums! 😅

OP if your son is at school all day and you are lonely, why don't you get out and about to make friends?

Hobbies? Classes? Volunteering?
Work????

You can't expect school gate mums to be the answer .

This discussion should be about the child's opportunities to make friends, not just his Mum's.

I'd never choose a mainly boarding school for a day boy aged 6.
Madness.

You're so right - nobody ever says it about a group of dads.

It's just women attacking women. As always.

Imagine if this was reversed and private school mums did the same when a school mum switched to state, the comments on this thread would be so different!
And what makes you think they don't?
We moved out DD from private to state at the end of year 4 and I stopped getting invtations to coffee with those Mums straight away. DD was, I think, invited to 1 or 2 birthday parties from her old class but contact soon dried up. I didn't view it as being frozen out though, or get upset about it, it was just a natural consequence of our decision. Not in the class, not invited to whole class parties any more. Not a school mum, not invited to school mum meet ups any more. The same thing happens if you move from one state school to another or indeed one private school to another. Or if you change sports club, dance school, choir or whatever. When you have friendships based on having one specific thing in common and you don't have that link anymore then in most cases that friendship will end.
For some of the people involved there may be an element of disapproval of the OP's choice of school but we don't actually know that and nor does she. All the mother she spoke to said was that it might be related to her separating her child from the rest. That could equally be the case if she had sent her son to a different state school or indeed chosen to home educate. The primary issue is almost certainly that the OP's child does not attend the local school rather than the specific school that he does attend.

I’m sorry OP, loneliness is an awful feeling. But please don’t try and forge friendships with people where the only thing in common is “your kids are in the same class/year group”.

School mum friendships are extremely cliquey and mostly are superficial. Why would you want to be friends with women who have now ostracised you?

I didn't call you a bitch - I said your comments came across as bitchy. And nope, I don't even have kids, but I'm glad trying to insult me made you feel better for second 🙄

My point was that struggling to make friends with a specific group of people doesn't make that group of people nasty or unpleasant. There are lots of people out there I don't get on with, that doesn't make them bad people - it just means we have nothing/very little in common. And that's okay.

You do sound quite naiive of how school gate friendships work.

You also seem quite 'ignorant' of how private schools function.

There is no way I'd send a 6 yr old to a private school where most children are boarders.

Surely you appreciate that the life of a boarder is totally different to a day pupil?

Boarders make friends with other boarders.

It's that simple.

Your own child will have a limited number of potential friends.

Did you not consider all of this before you enrolled him?

Your son's education is about more than just the academic side. How will he make friends if most pupils are boarders?

It doesn't work that way because boarders aren't allowed out to have play dates with day boys.

Schools that are mainly boarders are very closed communities.

I'd really advise you to rethink not only if this is an issue for you and your 'friends' but also your son.

I've yet to see a cliquier and bitchier group than school mums. They're schoolyard bullies in disguise

Would you listen to yourself?

You realise “school mums” aren’t a different species or some group of people with neurological disorders. They are just people with children at school. Literally all human life falls into this category.

Have you ever heard someone say “working dads are the nastiest people ever?” Nope.

How do you expect your children to navigate school friendships if you instil this level of extreme paranoia? WTAF.

Some people can be really spiteful and self interested. You shouldn't have to justify your choice of school, whether private/state or one over another of the same type. I have not read all replies but you obviously choose the school you think is best for your child's education and not what is convenient for you to make friends. I would concentrate on making friends based on your own personal interests, not based around who has children the same age as yours. Your child gets to make their own friends and so do you, if they happen to be in the same family in can be lovely and convenient but hard to sustain over time or for it to be a true friendship if that is the main point in common.

Exactly this

Feel free to call me a bitch. From someone who's probably a school mum or their fan it's a compliment.
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I consider myself a pretty social person but penetrating the thick wall of the school mum clickiness was even beyond my possibilities. And I didn't even want a friendship, only tried a casual chat. Looks like I'm not the only one.

Not having an easy group of local friends is a trade off of choosing a private school. You have removed yourself from the main bonding element of the group, they are all still happy and probably can't be bothered with the extra effort of including you now you don't share that bond.

It's probably best to seek alternative community friends, such as via a hobby or sports club if your child is into sports.

It's very rare now for children to board from age 7 @LessorMore

It's usually an option for children whose parents are overseas maybe in the Forces etc.

If the majority of the children are boarders, from age 7, it's an unusual school.

(I have professional experience of independent schools.)

I also can't believe that you won't make friends with other parents there.
IME there is usually a very good connection with parents in private schools.

But hang on- it's coming to the end of the school year.
Private schools have broken up for the summer.

Why have you just raised this now- your son has been there for a year.

It's all a bit odd.

Everything, tbh. It's just unpleasant stereotyping and makes you look even more "bitchy" than those you're complaining about.

Why? What's wrong with the statement?

What a nasty attitude.

I've yet to see a cliquier and bitchier group than school mums. They're schoolyard bullies in disguise.
@LessorMore , repeat after me: school mums aren't friends. They're just a bunch of women whose only common ground is their kids and their love to create a little clique.