Ostracised for staying at private school

Seems like you sending your dc to private has triggered their insecurities. Just cut them off. Private schools do tend to have communities — just mention to the head / your child’s teacher that you’d like to arrange a few playdates with other day pupils or meet their parents.

You need to remember that for wealthy parents drives of 45mins or so is nothing as they often do so on their own way to work etc. DS goes to private and there are mums who drive an hour each way for school & go out of their way for playdates / holidays etc. you just need to meet them.

You need to make friends independent of your child , volunteer , get a pt job or take some courses which will allow you to meet like minded people . Having a kid in the same school year is not a great basis for a friendship .

I don’t know the reason why you chose the school you did but by chosing it you have made the potential friendship pool much smaller for your son and by extension you. Firstly, because he’s now a day pupil at a school where most kids either board or live far away. Secondly, because you left the group of established friendships at a very young age. Very few nursery friendships survive if you go to different schools unless the parents were already exceptionally close in their own right.

It also sounds like you expect your social life to revolve around your child’s friend’s mothers only, you need to make a life of your own and meet people who are also not working but not necessarily whose kids wants to be friends with your kid. The likelihood of you finding a mother and child who clicks with both of you on a friendship level is harder than just finding individual friends.

You have not been ostracised. These are not real friends. They are mums with young kids who have play dates because their children play together and sometimes there is a spin off social from that.

This was inevitable.

Try and find some friends that aren’t just related to your DC. Join some clubs/a gym/classes or do some voluntary work to meet some nice people.

It’s like leaving work, you say you will keep in touch but in reality with most people you have nothing in common when you no longer work together.

Honestly it’s just that you’ve dropped off the radar a bit. The school parents at mine are generally nice but I haven’t made any friends to hang out with by myself (I know theres a group who have). It doesn’t really bother me, I’m pretty busy tbh and don’t really have the energy to invest in a social life.

Having said that we still occasionally go to a party of playdate from Dd’s nursery she left 2 years ago because they are really nice people. None of them are my friends really but the kids got on fine. Partly this is because of overlapping clubs. My advice would be to make sure your kid is attending some local clubs, it should help. I would always invite a local kid, even if they weren’t at my kids school anymore because I have a bit of a more the merrier attitude and tend to be quite inclusive. Some people aren’t like that, don’t take it personally.

I think the problem is in primary parents are heavily involved so it’s easy to feel rejected or left out. But honestly come secondary most of these relationships will slowly fade anyway. Your problem is that you are in a small village where the opportunities for making friends through kids is limited. Join a book group or exercise class instead.

It may be nothing to do with your choice of school. One assumes you are no longer around at the nursery/school run. When I was SAHM lots of coffees walks etc were arrange on the spur of the moment at the gates. The same with play dates.

I live in an over grown village or small town with 3 Primary Schools and a Prep School near by. At the time were no full time nursery places locally. My D C went to morning sesdions at a village pre school. When they went to primary school some children from nursery went to various other Primary schools and done to the prep. They met children from all over the overgrown village at school.
They kept up with friends from nursery etc at beavers, brownies. Church groups etc.

I am not originally from this area but still meet up with friends I made from Baby Sitting Circle, PTA, Nursery etc.
It takes a bit of effort. We have monthly mums nights at our children are 30!!

If you want to stay friends try being proactive in your new school and acquaintances from the Nursery. Arrange a coffee morning or lunch.

Get involved in the village life.
Hopefully your son can maintain local friendships through clubs etc.

My DS was a groomsman for one of his friends who he met at nursery. He went to state schools and his friend went independent.
They remained friends through the Scout Movement and the Tennis Club.

Mum whose son went to private school constantly boasts how well he's doing, how good he is at x, y or z and tells me I really ought to consider sending my child like I can magic up the money. Totally lacking any awareness.

Completely backed away from her. It's boring and I also don't give a crap how well her kid is doing.

If you're like that then there's your reason.

This.

We were pretty much in the same position. I definitely think people perceived it as a criticism. We had lots of ‘but what’s wrong with the village school’ type of questions.

Our school is about 25 minutes away so some of the families live an hour away. What works for our class is a group of us go for coffee after drop off once a week at a nearby coffee shop. You definitely need to put yourself out there though and ask if anybody else would like to join you for a coffee. This has led to dinners, play dates on holidays etc…

What don't you get? It sounds completely normal to me. Think of it this way - if you worked for a couple of years in a particular job where you made fairly good friends with co-workers, but then you moved to a different job, would you expect them include you in all their work socials? To my mind that would be very odd. Their socialising is based on seeing each other at the school gates and on day to day conversations - as they mum at the park said, you've chosen to move your son away from that so what do you expect? The same thing often happens when children go different secondary schools - parent friendships fall away.

If you really want friends you should choose someone you like and form a friendship that doesn't depend on the school gates.

This is likely nothing to do with private school. My twins have moved school twice and each time I’ve been ‘let go’ from the mum’s clan even though I’m still in close proximity and the twins were friendly with their kids. They are groups based on schools.

Move your son to the state school if you wish to still solidly benefit from the community.

OP, find another way to interact with ladies in the village. Join a class, or local gym. Don't get upset, just carry on as usual.

Most people really aren't that bothered about which school children go to.

My ds is at private and I don't have any issue with friends locally, but I didn't make friends at the school gate, I met them through parkrun and karate and volunteering for the local parish.

Sounds like jealousy, people get jealous or bitter over the smallest things. Me personally I wouldn't care if they excluded me but if it bothering you maybe invite everyone round for a BBQ or arrange a street party

Hardly bullying

And "nasty witches"? Ironic

I had something similar when my DDs were at school. When we moved back to the uk our younger two went to the village first school, but we put the eldest, aged 9, into the local independent girls’ school, mainly because it was already her third school so we wanted somewhere she could stay until 18.
The village school mums were all really friendly when DDs 2&3 started - mostly just chat in the playground, but the odd coffee meet up. I never mentioned our older daughter, except in passing and all was fine for the first half term. One day I had to pick DD1 up early so she was with me at pick up for the younger two.
It was pretty much instant, as soon as they saw her uniform. All but three (who are still friends now) stopped talking to me, or even looking at me and I heard from one of my friends how much I was being talked about behind my back.
Luckily, I didn’t give a toss - if they were going to be so small minded and parochial I didn’t want to know them anyway, but it’s tough if you want to be friends.
Give it time and you’ll make new friends at your DS’s new school. If you’re lucky, like me, they’ll become lifelong.

It sounds like your friendships were centred around you all having children in the same nursery, rather than being any deeper than that. You no longer have that connection, so they no longer think you have enough in common with them - they are likely wanting to meet up to talk about school, to organise whole class parties, etc, and can’t be bothered with the extra effort of maintaining a friendship with someone whose child no longer mixes daily with their children and who won’t be able to join in fully with conversations about the local primary school. Were there no parents you got on with better than others? Tbh, I think your only hope is to establish one or two closer, more meaningful relationships with true friends, rather than trying to maintain a friendship group when you are no longer part of the group, because the group only really exists because of the mutual nursery/school connection.

I also think it's morally repugnant to accept children that young as boarders, and I would be judging you for effectively supporting that with your decision to send your child there.

A decision you made on the basis that, for some reason, they deserve more than my child, I guess.

I think 'ostracised' is a bit dramatic.

@LemonandLimeCake according to another poster, anyone who sends their children to private school is reflection of a superiority complex so maybe ‘ostracised’ is accurate.

I know. 😂

But I'm allowed to say that she ought to also be thinking about her son.
If HE makes friends with other children at his school, surely she will meet those mums? Does he go to school, come home and not see any friends?

There's a lot about her thread that doesn't sound quite right to me.

OP needs to realise that if her old school gate mums were really keen on her as a friend, they'd respect her choice of school and still remain friends.

I think 'ostracised' is a bit dramatic.

She's moved on and she'd not one of the crowd now.

So if a few mums bump into each other at the school gate on a nice day and decide to go for a stroll, you believe that they are ostracising you? Even though you weren't at the school gate and your child isn't even in the school?

OP, I think you need to put on your big-girl pants and own your decision here.

A natural consequence of you deciding not to send your child to the village school is that you will no longer be bumping into these mums at the school gate, your children will no longer be in the same class, playing together in school, asking for playdates, etc. Mums who are trying to help their children navigate through school will make an effort to try and form friendships with the mums of other children in the school. Through your own decision, you decided not to be part of this school community.

These friendships are usually based on proximity and convenience. If they meet every morning at drop off and someone suggests lunch absolutely no one is going to suggest let’s find out if lessor is about unless they had a pre-existing friendship with you .

As the kids move on years and start having parties etc this will exacerbate as little groups are formed because the same group of mums are sitting having coffee together every Saturday while their kids are at another soft play party.

Regardless you should be thinking about what is best for your son . A Private school education at age 5 or a group of friends living in close proximity at a good school. I know what Id pick even if I was “fortunate “ enough to afford private. I’m sure many parents of the families going to the local school could have afforded private too but had other priorities.

You don’t want to be friends with these people! Our child goes to state while a friend goes to the private school and we are still friends.

This doesn’t seem like true friendships, this is a fickle friendship due to people in the same class. What you are after is a close network of friends and this isn’t it.

This is what many/most people think. Sorry to break it to you.