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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that my child daughter can have equally awesome childhood as I did?

110 replies

NotAlexa · 10/07/2024 12:25

Long post, but hopefully can give a sufficient preamble to show where my concerns about modern generation and safety stem from.

When I was 2-3 (from words of my entire family), I could not comprehend why children were crying next to a wagon with sweets. I understand now that it is because i didn't know what sweets were until the age of 7, where i was introduced to Kinder Surprise. Before, I had carrot and apple for sweet tooth.

When I was 6, I actively resorted not making friends with any kid that cried. Errr, so embarrassing being seen with a loud trouble maker. From that age until about 12, I exclusively preferred playing rough, climbing trees, and running wild. A few scars on the leg are a great reminder of fun i had outdoors, while my neighbours helped stitch me up until my mother returned home from a bit of shopping.

When I was 7, I would l go to school alone, crossing 2 unregulated roads with no traffic lights. because apparently i made a huge fuss when my mum was dropping me off, and told her off for not trusting me. Needless to say, I was a formidable kid!

When I was 10, in summer me and my friend (then 12) would get a bus across the city to get on a ferry to then go up and down the hill to reach UNESCO beach (Curonian Spit if interesting to anyone). All alone. No supervision. We would prepare ourselves sandwiches and all sort of junk food and fruit and spend entire day sunbathing and swimming in the sea. We did that until 16. Every summer. We were never stopped doing something because we were too young. And never have we been asked where were our parents. Although some doggy alcoholics did approach us once or twice, we just gave them cold shoulder and the looks of disgust.

Nowadays, I barely ever see kids roaming the streets. I live in a quiet town in SW England, with low crime rate and it baffles me as to why kids are always always being supervised. They are only playing in playgrounds, being told off for making mess, being obliged to when they are asking for sugar and having tantrums!

I worked in the University Gym when I was a student, and i remember many many parents coming with their adult children (freshers at Uni) to buy a membership for them. The so called adults would hover behind their parents shoulders and let the parent speak. It was soooo odd! I mean, they are going to the gym, not parents; they are responsible for their own health and wellbeing, it will be their signature on the admissions form.

I am 30 years old, pregnant with my first child, and am very worried about this 'coddling' society. Is it just a phase in the society do you think? Or are we indeed keeping children on leashes so tight that they do not learn independent thinking and risk assessment?

OP posts:
Sotiredmjmmy · 10/07/2024 13:34

OP it can depend a lot on where you live and what the particular set up is on your road/immediate area by your house and what the neighbours attitude is to it with their own children.

My children enjoy a lot of freedom as do others living close to us (ages 6 -10, all have been doing jt since about 5-6 years old). They play out with other children and they feel like they are free roaming (in reality they don’t actually go that far) and loosely supervised where they don’t necessarily think they are being supervised at all, we collectively keep track of them from a distance but I’m not afraid to admit that at times we don’t know exactly where they are - I am very happy they have this as it was how I was a child too, but go to other areas in the same town/villages and it’s not happening all over. Happens a lot in some areas and not at all in others, seems just pockets of it.

The kids here with this freedom are all thriving - they are also all very much middle class and have privilege in other ways too

ClaribelLowLieth · 10/07/2024 13:25

OP do you know the After Babel substack? It talks a lot about what has happened to childhood and how that has affected children. I think you'd find it interesting.

www.afterbabel.com/p/treating-childhood-anxiety

blablausername · 10/07/2024 13:20

@NotAlexa
You have to develop a thick skin if you want to bring your children up with elements of your childhood in 2024 UK.

I grew up in the UK and then brought my kids up on the continent. It's always difficult to bring up children in a context of which you are unfamiliar.
I remember my kids at a 7 year olds birthday party in a field next to a river and forest. The children just ran off for the afternoon to swim in the river, and the parents called them in for cake, 5 minutes, and then they disappeared again for the afternoon. This was perfectly normal.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/07/2024 13:12

SpanThatWorld · 10/07/2024 12:45

How do you bring up a child who is as formidable, independent and strong as you are?

Well, it's quite the question, isn't it?

Grin
blablausername · 10/07/2024 13:11

Feelsodrained · 10/07/2024 13:01

Youre 30? I thought you were describing a childhood in the 50s or something.

I think the OP grew up in another country. It's normal for people in different places to experience a childhood which seems like a different time in another place.

My two teens have been brought up on the continent and they used to go swimming and fishing in rivers by themselves with their friends while at primary school. If it had been in non rural England people would have called it neglectful.

Commonsense22 · 10/07/2024 13:11

OP people are being unnecessarily harsh with you after your first post as you write great English but I suspect it's not your first language and your idioms / way of talking are consistent with the way I think you'd express yourself in your mother tongue.
To this day, people in many European countries give their children far more freedom and for instance, from 6 or 7 children stay home alone after school until parents return from work. In locations where many live on blocks of flats, often overlooking children's play areas, there's more of a collective "looking out for each other" feel.

The UK is one of the most individualistic countries in the world. It's also the most obsessed with a box-ticking approach to safeguarding, at the expense of common sense. Plus, we're very prone to litigation.
I'd say you're in the wrong country. I have a colleague who refuses to let his 12 year old alone for even an hour.

We do also have too many cars here and navigating the roads on foot is dangerous even for adults. It's becoming silly.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/07/2024 13:09

You grew up in a completely different time and place, and presumably according to the norms of the society you lived in. If you try to make your child adhere to those norms in another situation, you may find it doesn't work the same way.

Also it may be a language issue but you sound a little overconfident that you got through your childhood unscathed because of your own formidable character. The truth is you were lucky, and things could have gone very differently for you on any number of occasions. Which is true of any childhood in my opinion, but when you are preening yourself for your rightness and excellence it might be worth remembering that a different group of dodgy drunk men might not have backed off when 12 year old you gave them a look of disgust.

ApplePippa · 10/07/2024 13:06

NotAlexa · 10/07/2024 12:48

How's the concept of safety not explained to them since the age they can run? I knew I had to look both ways before crossing the road since before school age. Never even crossed my mind to run across the road with busy traffic. And in fact never seen other kids doing it either. So why are kids nowadays doing it? How's the concept of responsibility not being put forward by parents/neighbours/strangers in kids minds?

Oh I can assure you kids running into busy roads is not a new or recent thing!

I guess you're too young to remember the Tufty Club or the terrifying public information films of the 70s and 80s.

Feelsodrained · 10/07/2024 13:01

Youre 30? I thought you were describing a childhood in the 50s or something.

DinnaeFashYersel · 10/07/2024 13:01

What age did you enrol them into Scouts

Squirrels is the youngest section staring at age 4. Then you have Beavers at 6, Cubs at 8, Scouts at 10.5 and Explorers at 14

The younger sections usually have long waiting lists somcontact your local group 18 months to 2 years before you want a place.

DinnaeFashYersel · 10/07/2024 12:58

Move to Scotland.

Our kids still do alll these things. Walk to school, go out to play, and as they get older get buses to places (on their free bus passes).

PollyPeep · 10/07/2024 12:56

I'd wait until your child is here before making any judgement calls on other parents.....

For that kind of freedom I guess you'd need to move to a small rural village and create a close community around yourself. But don't underestimate the overwhelming urge to protect your child which will creep up on you once you've had them. You may not want them recreating your childhood.

mitogoshi · 10/07/2024 12:54

Depends a bit where you are, kids from around 9/10 wander around my town, go to the beach and the park, being told off by random older folk if they misbehave. Pretty idyllic. They gather after school as teens to swim by the no swimming sign!

City kids definitely don't get as much freedom

Octavia64 · 10/07/2024 12:52

Um, children can run from about the age of two.

You can explain road safety to them at that age but it's probably not going to have much impact.

You might find that once you actually get stuck in to parenting it's easy to say why don't they just and a lot harder to do it.

RedHelenB · 10/07/2024 12:51

.My dc are younger than you and have done similar Where I live there's loads of dc wandering around, playing in the parks, going to the shops etc. I find mumsnet need for tracking bizarre.

NotAlexa · 10/07/2024 12:51

BrieAndChilli · 10/07/2024 12:48

its a complex situation. I believe you grew up in Lithuania (from the beach name you mentioned) so a totally different country although a lot of what you mention was similar to 60/70/80s childhoods for a lot of us.

However the world is a totally different place, there IS more danger and also more repercussions. If a 7 year old was found wandering the street or got knocked over whilst alone then the parents would very likely be prosecuted so even if you wanted to allow your small child more freedom it is frowned upon.

There is a middle ground and my 3 children are all teenagers and very self sufficient, capable and able to do things for themselves even though they never hung out around the streets like I did. You can still equip your children with skills for life without letting them have no boundaries or supervision.

Mine all did Scouts and DofE and I think it is a good activity, especially when they have to navigate around woods etc by themselves, learn to cook on a fire etc etc.

Scouts is something me and my DH are considering! And the Martial arts since 2 years old - they do those for toddlers in my area, and they look awesomely fun!

What age did you enrol them into Scouts and DofE?

OP posts:
Workoutinthepark · 10/07/2024 12:50

NotAlexa · 10/07/2024 12:48

How's the concept of safety not explained to them since the age they can run? I knew I had to look both ways before crossing the road since before school age. Never even crossed my mind to run across the road with busy traffic. And in fact never seen other kids doing it either. So why are kids nowadays doing it? How's the concept of responsibility not being put forward by parents/neighbours/strangers in kids minds?

This is hilarious, are you being serious?

You'll find out the answer to this exact question OP, the moment your daughter learns to run 😄

Allfur · 10/07/2024 12:49

I'm much more on the side of giving kids a free rein, a parenting style, I'm aware not everyone agrees with

hari27 · 10/07/2024 12:49

I think I understand what you mean, but your post is strange.

Telling your mother what you will and won't do age seven is not formidable, it's spoilt.

No sweets till seven then eat what you want. Great?

Be kind to everyone? Nah just those who never cry.

I was eighties child, rural. Very few rules, very little supervision. Accidents happened, one child was abducted and killed in a nearby village.

Good parents, both worked, village childcare pool of sorts.

Personally it's not had much impact on how I parent now. Mine are outside, sure, but I don't just leave them all day and go to work.

Social media didn't exist then, huge change to people and society.

Everyone is more insular and less community minded. I have six kids here today on top of my own. That's unusual. Most kids are in clubs, summer school, with family.

I would be wary of judging others until you actually have baby. Wait till the fear of losing them grips you so tight. It cannot be explained. Just be the best mum you can and try to create a good human.

Awrite · 10/07/2024 12:49

Jonathan Haidt is very interesting on this. Parents today control every aspect of their children's real life and give them unfettered access to the Internet.

NotAlexa · 10/07/2024 12:48

Dabralor · 10/07/2024 12:44

You're lucky you got out alive Op.

Best rig up your child with apple tags and Snapchat and then follow them in the car handing out snacks and regular water. It's the only way to keep them safe.

How's the concept of safety not explained to them since the age they can run? I knew I had to look both ways before crossing the road since before school age. Never even crossed my mind to run across the road with busy traffic. And in fact never seen other kids doing it either. So why are kids nowadays doing it? How's the concept of responsibility not being put forward by parents/neighbours/strangers in kids minds?

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 10/07/2024 12:48

its a complex situation. I believe you grew up in Lithuania (from the beach name you mentioned) so a totally different country although a lot of what you mention was similar to 60/70/80s childhoods for a lot of us.

However the world is a totally different place, there IS more danger and also more repercussions. If a 7 year old was found wandering the street or got knocked over whilst alone then the parents would very likely be prosecuted so even if you wanted to allow your small child more freedom it is frowned upon.

There is a middle ground and my 3 children are all teenagers and very self sufficient, capable and able to do things for themselves even though they never hung out around the streets like I did. You can still equip your children with skills for life without letting them have no boundaries or supervision.

Mine all did Scouts and DofE and I think it is a good activity, especially when they have to navigate around woods etc by themselves, learn to cook on a fire etc etc.

Workoutinthepark · 10/07/2024 12:48

"And most importantly how do I bring up an equally independent, self fulfilling and strong daughter? those are my questions." That's your issue to work out as a parent based on her personality, needs, etc. You won't know that until you see her grow and see what works for her as a person. We can't answer that for you.

My kids are independent and I was a latchkey kid pretty much - my husband jokes I was bought up by wolves - but that's me and them, others do it differently, I do not care as long as they're all happy and doing what works for them.

Btw from your second post it sounds like you had a LOT of constant adult attention - way way more than comes across in your first post.

Poplarmoth · 10/07/2024 12:46

I think your childhood sounded neglectful. But I do agree that children need more freedom nowadays.

SpanThatWorld · 10/07/2024 12:45

NotAlexa · 10/07/2024 12:40

Definitely anything but neglected! Dad would frequently take me fishing, mum played badminton with me weekly. Had an au pair and a nanny when I was very little! Spent weekends with great-grandparents and grandparents playing card games. Very young I realised I had too much of adult attention on me. So I really can't understand how children nowadays must be feeling - so suffocating with their parents.

Is it parents and the generation problem, or is it the society problem?
And most importantly how do I bring up an equally independent, self fulfilling and strong daughter? those are my questions.

How do you bring up a child who is as formidable, independent and strong as you are?

Well, it's quite the question, isn't it?