Page 7 | Me or friend

Badassbreastfeeder85 · 2024-07-10T11:02:18+00:00

I went to visit my friend (L) with my 12 yo DS and 14 month old DD. Me and L have been friends about 20 years. She's recently had a guy (B) move in with her, she's known him 2 years after he messaged her on FB and they've had an on/off sexual relationship for 2 years,not exclusive and they now work for the same company. Prior to Saturday I've met him briefly 2 or 3 times,he's met my DD once. She had a contact nap and when she woke I went for a wee,I came downstairs to find DD laying on B lap and he'd finished changing her nappy, L was in the kitchen cooking,it's open plan flat but she was busy and had her back to the room. I was stunned,I stayed for a little while longer,on the drive home it bothered me significantly and the next day I messaged to say I found it inappropriate and unnecessary. She has reacted by saying some hurtful things and blocked me. AIBU

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2024 15:08

IMHO, it's inappropriate for anyone, male or female, to change a child's nappy unless the parent is asked first. Naturally, there are exceptions for relatives like grandparents, aunties/uncles, etc and very close friends if the nature of the relationship is that it would be OK to do so.

And I would NEVER give permission to a 3rd party. If someone (male or female) said to me "XX nappy is wet, shall I change them?" I'd either say that I'd do it myself (if I'd changed that child before) or I'd say "Ask XX's mum if she wants you to do it".

Frankly I'm surprised the man did it, considering the general atmosphere surrounding unrelated males and children these days. He could be as paternal and innocent as the day is long, but even so it's not a good idea to open himself up to suspicion by doing so. He badly misjudged our times if it was meant as a helpful gesture.

Did OP's friend overreact? Yes and no. She may be 100% positive that her friend isn't a paedophile, but she still should be understanding of OP's concerns.

Hippobot · 10/07/2024 15:06

Hankunamatata · 10/07/2024 14:46

I think you sending the message asking her if she had asked bf to change nappy - comes across with an accusatory tone.

You should had said something at the time or on leaving quietly spoken to your friend that you aren't comfortable having anyone else but close family members change dd nappy.

Tbh if you had handed me a baby and nappy was squishy I would have changed it. I didn't realise until I came onto mumset this was a big issue.

Deary me.

Original poster

Badassbreastfeeder85 · 10/07/2024 15:04

AliceMcK · 10/07/2024 14:21

Glad you cleared this up I was wondering what I missed as I didn’t see anything about her asking him.

You are 100% in the right. I don’t know any man who would take it upon himself to change a babies nappy that wasn’t his own child. My DF, DBs, DH, DUncles all hands on Dads who changed many nappies, but absolutely would not change another child’s especially with such speed and why on his lap? My alarm bells would absolutely be going.

I had a group of 6yos at my house last week. I sent them upstairs to get ready for rainbows. As I was running around my DH was stood in the dining room waiting I didn’t think and told him to go hurry them up, he said there is no way I’m going upstairs while a bunch of 6 yo girls were getting undressed. He was absolutely right.

It only takes a second for a predator to take advantage of a situation and many children have been the subject of abuse when other adults have had their backs turned.

I think it’s ridiculous telling you you should have said something at the time. It’s easy to say when you’re not in a difficult or awkward situation and your thoughts aren’t clear. Plus you were alone with 2 small children you had no idea how it could have gone down.

Trust your instincts.

on a side note, what has your DDs dad said?

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So I haven't actually told her dad,I imagine he wouldn't be happy, we don't live together and he's only changed her nappy once when I was feeling poorly last month! (Our relationship was a bit rocky after she was born and like you say not a lot of men are desperate to change a nappy and he always says I do it much better 🙄) so I feel a bit weird that an adult man has seen her genitals for no necessary reason, he's not a doctor for example

OP posts:

Summerpigeon · 10/07/2024 15:01

What is your plan op
What do you intend to do about the situation

3luckystars · 10/07/2024 15:00

AnonymousBleep · 10/07/2024 14:59

It's absolutely bizarre. Most people would go out of their way to avoid changing someone else's kid's nappy unless for some reason they absolutely had to. I'd be weirded out too. Not normal behaviour at all.

I completely agree with this too.

Original poster

Badassbreastfeeder85 · 10/07/2024 14:59

Just to clarify he didn't wake her up, she was already awake and I wasn't holding her anymore she had got off my lap,so she she'd been awake a few minutes before j left to go to the toilet,I wouldn't have left her the second she woke up as not to upset her

OP posts:

AnonymousBleep · 10/07/2024 14:59

It's absolutely bizarre. Most people would go out of their way to avoid changing someone else's kid's nappy unless for some reason they absolutely had to. I'd be weirded out too. Not normal behaviour at all.

bringoutthebranston · 10/07/2024 14:57

She could have just said sorry. Seems a bit 'doth protest too much' that shes turning it back on you, maybe she's a bit jealous. I wouldn't quickly change my own goddaughter's nappy if her mother was there, unless she asked me to. Why was it done so quickly if it was so innocent, undressing, whipping off the old nappy, finding a fresh one, cleaning etc. takes longer than it takes to go to the loo. I'm not suggesting he's a predator but don't second guess your reaction, its not being overprotective, just basic mum reaction.

Elephant007 · 10/07/2024 14:56

Badassbreastfeeder85 · 10/07/2024 14:52

So baby was pottering arround in the living room,it's a flat so kitchen is open and at one end of the living room where friend was, my friend wasn't holding her so wouldn't have felt her nappy to be squishy, and even if it had felt a bit full I wasn't off out anywhere I was going to be back in a matter if minutes, my friend has 2 boys and I wonder if her being a girl and him being male makes it feel worse tho had she been a woman I'd still be miffed at a stranger taking it upon themselves to carry out intimate care that wasn't necessary,I can't be sure how.long the nappy had been on, I change when she does a poo or if it feels full not on a set timescale and she had been sleeping prior to be leaving the room so it obvs didn't need changing beforehand or I would have,I'm not going to change her during a nap and I really needed a wee, so I took the opportunity to go while she wasn't on me, she's breastfed too hence the falling asleep on my lap

Let’s make the facts clear

Shag buddy of your mate who is a stranger to you woke up a baby girl as soon as her mum left the room, took her nappy off saw her genitals wiped her genitals and put nappy back on.

I think it’s crazy you didn’t say anything at the time but as I said earlier I know sometimes you can be frozen in the moment.

Let me say that again - you left, he WOKE your baby up to take her nappy off.

Of course he’s got wrong intentions. I would call the police and stop this happening again to anyone else’s child

Nottherealslimshady · 10/07/2024 14:55

YANBU it's wierd to change a baby's nappy when their mother has just nipped for a wee, you haven't been left "in charge" of the baby, you barely know the mother or baby and you haven't been asked to do so.

You do something because you have to or you want to, he didn't have to, so why did he want to?

circular2478 · 10/07/2024 14:54

I'd be weirded out if one of my friends dh/ dp's did this. I mean I'm very hands on with nieces/ nephews/ godchildren but unless I was babysitting them I would never over step and change their nappy unless their parents asked me to. It's bad enough changing your own child's nappy so who would actively do it for someone else's child, especially a man (ime).

Original poster

Badassbreastfeeder85 · 10/07/2024 14:54

EdgarAllenRaven · 10/07/2024 14:43

I agree this was weird, and wondering if your friend has a daughter herself in the house?

But then, reading the follow up post, I’m now wondering how long HAD you left tthe nappy unchanged? Do you change them every 3-4 hours? Was it really full?
Perhaps he is a clean freak and it had been bothering him for hours?

Doesn't matter if it bothers him, he's not my friend or the baby's father and I deemed it acceptable to leave until I'd used the loo, she's not my first baby and I have 5 nieces I am able to meet her basic needs

OP posts:

Original poster

Badassbreastfeeder85 · 10/07/2024 14:52

So baby was pottering arround in the living room,it's a flat so kitchen is open and at one end of the living room where friend was, my friend wasn't holding her so wouldn't have felt her nappy to be squishy, and even if it had felt a bit full I wasn't off out anywhere I was going to be back in a matter if minutes, my friend has 2 boys and I wonder if her being a girl and him being male makes it feel worse tho had she been a woman I'd still be miffed at a stranger taking it upon themselves to carry out intimate care that wasn't necessary,I can't be sure how.long the nappy had been on, I change when she does a poo or if it feels full not on a set timescale and she had been sleeping prior to be leaving the room so it obvs didn't need changing beforehand or I would have,I'm not going to change her during a nap and I really needed a wee, so I took the opportunity to go while she wasn't on me, she's breastfed too hence the falling asleep on my lap

OP posts:

KreedKafer · 10/07/2024 14:51

Looking at your updates, @Badassbreastfeeder85, I think your friend is getting massively defensive and angry because deep down she knows it wasn’t appropriate and she’s trying to justify it to herself.

I also don’t actually believe that she told him the baby needed changing. She was in the kitchen, cooking. She couldn’t have known whether your daughter needed changing. I think she’s just trying to cover for him.

YANBU at all.

People saying ‘Well, he couldn’t have done anything to her while she was right there in the kitchen’ are being a bit naive, I think. It’s not so much about whether he ‘did’ anything, but about the red flag of someone you barely know changing your baby, unnecessarily, without your consent or knowledge.

I mean, I had a teacher who never ‘did anything’ to us, but his general behaviour around us should still have raised a shit-load of safeguarding concerns and I don’t think anyone who was ever taught by him would want him anywhere near their child.

AzureAnt · 10/07/2024 14:50

I am interested to know how the friend knew that the baby nappy was full if she was cooking in the kitchen

Ginoclockk · 10/07/2024 14:50

Hippobot · 10/07/2024 14:26

I think some posters on here should go on a child protection course. This kind of thing is EXACTLY what opportunistic predators do. Any access to a child is an opportunity and abuse often happens right under the noses of other people as most people, wrongly, like to view humans through the lens of their own morals.

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I SAID ITS INAPPROPRIATE EITHER WAY!!!! FFS

willWillSmithsmith · 10/07/2024 14:48

Hankunamatata · 10/07/2024 14:46

I think you sending the message asking her if she had asked bf to change nappy - comes across with an accusatory tone.

You should had said something at the time or on leaving quietly spoken to your friend that you aren't comfortable having anyone else but close family members change dd nappy.

Tbh if you had handed me a baby and nappy was squishy I would have changed it. I didn't realise until I came onto mumset this was a big issue.

You wouldn’t have waited till the mum returned from the loo?

willWillSmithsmith · 10/07/2024 14:47

EdgarAllenRaven · 10/07/2024 14:43

I agree this was weird, and wondering if your friend has a daughter herself in the house?

But then, reading the follow up post, I’m now wondering how long HAD you left tthe nappy unchanged? Do you change them every 3-4 hours? Was it really full?
Perhaps he is a clean freak and it had been bothering him for hours?

That’s no excuse. He overstepped a line and so did the friend.

Hankunamatata · 10/07/2024 14:46

I think you sending the message asking her if she had asked bf to change nappy - comes across with an accusatory tone.

You should had said something at the time or on leaving quietly spoken to your friend that you aren't comfortable having anyone else but close family members change dd nappy.

Tbh if you had handed me a baby and nappy was squishy I would have changed it. I didn't realise until I came onto mumset this was a big issue.

willWillSmithsmith · 10/07/2024 14:46

CrazyChefDoDoDoDoDoDo · 10/07/2024 14:20

That man's behaviour is not OK. I wouldn't even do this for a friend's baby if I'd known the friend for years and the baby since birth. I would cuddle a crying baby and say when the mum got back 'I think her nappy's a bit full'.

Which is exactly what any person with boundaries would do.

Not only does he lack boundaries but so does your friend, and for that I would dump them both.

Julyshouldbesunny · 10/07/2024 14:46

Ops dd's was asleep. I am 100%certain she doesn't need parenting tips on how often to change her own dc..

EdgarAllenRaven · 10/07/2024 14:43

I agree this was weird, and wondering if your friend has a daughter herself in the house?

But then, reading the follow up post, I’m now wondering how long HAD you left tthe nappy unchanged? Do you change them every 3-4 hours? Was it really full?
Perhaps he is a clean freak and it had been bothering him for hours?

Hippobot · 10/07/2024 14:42

SerafinasGoose · 10/07/2024 13:31

Quite frankly, yes. They are relatively common, were you aware?

I find it quite incredible that very understandable female concerns, and the raising of those concerns in the face of deeply worrying male behaviour, should be questioned before we question that male behaviour. That this is the initial, socially-ingrained response is evident from the friend's reaction as well as the post above.

This is in no small part the reason predators get away with their behaviour. Because they couldn't possibly be predators, right?

Were I the OP's friend I'd be just as concerned about his behaviour and would very likely be blocking him, not her. But, as ever, it's the woman who is being irrational.

OP, in losing this woman's friendship, you have lost absolutely nothing. You are very right to keep your children safe.

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Very well said!!!! So many women jump to blame the women in this scenario and give the guy the benefit of the doubt. An innocent man would not have put himself in that scenario. Men that are not paedos make absolutely sure that they cannot find themselves in a situation where that is put in doubt.

Summerpigeon · 10/07/2024 14:42

I've mellowed with age
But I'd of reported that to the police ..
He did not have permission to undress her and view her genitals
He is banking on you being to uncomfortable to do anything about it
He used the pretend of a nappy needing changing to access her genitals.
I would of absolutely hit the roof
He would not of done that in front of you
He waited untill you were out of the room ,so you could not object
He is banking on getting away with it under the pretend of a nappy change .
The police would have his name ,I'd make sure of it

Iseeyoupekingduck · 10/07/2024 14:41

Do you think that after you have text her she's discussed with her partner and decided to say her nappy was full but he actually took it upon himself to change it? Either way it's wrong on both counts anyway.