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AIBU?

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Original poster

Me or friend

329 replies

Badassbreastfeeder85 · 10/07/2024 12:02

I went to visit my friend (L) with my 12 yo DS and 14 month old DD. Me and L have been friends about 20 years. She's recently had a guy (B) move in with her, she's known him 2 years after he messaged her on FB and they've had an on/off sexual relationship for 2 years,not exclusive and they now work for the same company. Prior to Saturday I've met him briefly 2 or 3 times,he's met my DD once. She had a contact nap and when she woke I went for a wee,I came downstairs to find DD laying on B lap and he'd finished changing her nappy, L was in the kitchen cooking,it's open plan flat but she was busy and had her back to the room. I was stunned,I stayed for a little while longer,on the drive home it bothered me significantly and the next day I messaged to say I found it inappropriate and unnecessary. She has reacted by saying some hurtful things and blocked me.
AIBU

OP posts:
Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 10/07/2024 13:36

BowlOfNoodles · 10/07/2024 13:34

It wasn't logical that he's abusing a baby infront of hes partner while the mothers taking a wee... it turns out the friend said the babies nappies full and needs changing inappropriate absolutely 100% but I'm very careful with implying life destroying accusations. He didn't leap at the chance to change this nappy he's partner suggested it she's a looney

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But I didn't actually make any accusations just that I felt uncomfortable and felt it was unnecessary and inappropriate

OP posts:
Conniebygaslight · 10/07/2024 13:36

Ginoclockk · 10/07/2024 13:13

Like I just said it was inappropriate of him, and her. However, I dont think it's the red flag you think it is given that he done it because his partner said the baby needs changing. It's still inappropriate and something he will have learned now, the hard way.

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What planet are you on....!

Etfg · 10/07/2024 13:35

This is so weird. I would go as far as calling the police to discuss with them. And she has two kids, too. Come on - I wouldn’t change my best friend’s baby nappy unless she asked me. It’s completely sick.

BowlOfNoodles · 10/07/2024 13:34

SerafinasGoose · 10/07/2024 13:31

Quite frankly, yes. They are relatively common, were you aware?

I find it quite incredible that very understandable female concerns, and the raising of those concerns in the face of deeply worrying male behaviour, should be questioned before we question that male behaviour. That this is the initial, socially-ingrained response is evident from the friend's reaction as well as the post above.

This is in no small part the reason predators get away with their behaviour. Because they couldn't possibly be predators, right?

Were I the OP's friend I'd be just as concerned about his behaviour and would very likely be blocking him, not her. But, as ever, it's the woman who is being irrational.

OP, in losing this woman's friendship, you have lost absolutely nothing. You are very right to keep your children safe.

Edited
Show quote history

It wasn't logical that he's abusing a baby infront of hes partner while the mothers taking a wee... it turns out the friend said the babies nappies full and needs changing inappropriate absolutely 100% but I'm very careful with implying life destroying accusations. He didn't leap at the chance to change this nappy he's partner suggested it she's a looney

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 10/07/2024 13:33

LakesideInn · 10/07/2024 13:30

YANBU - also how dare he suggest to your friend that you’re lazy for not changing the nappy earlier. Sounds like he’s a know it all and oversteps boundaries.

Especially as she was asleep beforehand

OP posts:
Ghgrynn · 10/07/2024 13:33

YANBU, that’s totally inappropriate. I would NEVER change the nappy of someone’s else’s child without expressly being asked to do so.

RenoDakota · 10/07/2024 13:32

You are not being unreasonable, OP. I would have gone absolutely nuclear.

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 10/07/2024 13:32

Iwasafool · 10/07/2024 13:28

Or she realises she's put him in an awkward position and feels guilty. The friend really seems to be the one at fault here. Also saying the nappy was full implies to me that it was dirty not just wet and I hate seeing a baby left in a dirty nappy even for a short time.

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No just wet

OP posts:
Conniebygaslight · 10/07/2024 13:31

anon4net · 10/07/2024 13:24

I would find this highly inappropriate. I also don't think most men are predators AND that most innocent men would not want to put themselves in this situation.

There are very few things that would make me react with a lot of certainty but this is one. Highly highly inappropriate for a strange man to take it upon himself as soon as a parents back is turned, to take a child's nappy off/change a nappy. Highly highly inappropriate.

Completely agree but I think inappropriate is not the right word.

TheDarkMonarch · 10/07/2024 13:31

It is weird and the more you type, OP, the more it sounds like he sat there thinking the baby's nappy needed changing and so jumped on you leaving the room as an opportunity to do it. Which is judgemental as hell.

I think I'd be tempted to reply with something along the lines of 'I'm sorry if I've upset you but it's not about trust, it's about me not being happy with someone else deciding when my baby's nappy gets changed' and leave it at that. The friendship sounds damaged now anyway so I doubt it's going to be a future issue.

BowlOfNoodles · 10/07/2024 13:31

AzureAnt · 10/07/2024 13:29

Yanbu OP, something is off about this. It doesn't make sense to me and I can't imagine any male (,or female) friend of mine doing something like this unprompted. And knowing most of my male friends, they would run a mile when there are nappies to be changed
Very bizarre indeed!!

It wasn't unprompted her friend said the baby's nappy is full and needs changing obviously I'd of said no but he followed up on the request.

SerafinasGoose · 10/07/2024 13:31

BowlOfNoodles · 10/07/2024 12:25

Are you implying that he's a predator! Because if I was your friend I'd think that was exactly what you was implying

Edited

Quite frankly, yes. They are relatively common, were you aware?

I find it quite incredible that very understandable female concerns, and the raising of those concerns in the face of deeply worrying male behaviour, should be questioned before we question that male behaviour. That this is the initial, socially-ingrained response is evident from the friend's reaction as well as the post above.

This is in no small part the reason predators get away with their behaviour. Because they couldn't possibly be predators, right?

Were I the OP's friend I'd be just as concerned about his behaviour and would very likely be blocking him, not her. But, as ever, it's the woman who is being irrational.

OP, in losing this woman's friendship, you have lost absolutely nothing. You are very right to keep your children safe.

LakesideInn · 10/07/2024 13:30

YANBU - also how dare he suggest to your friend that you’re lazy for not changing the nappy earlier. Sounds like he’s a know it all and oversteps boundaries.

Conniebygaslight · 10/07/2024 13:30

Badassbreastfeeder85 · 10/07/2024 13:26

I'm a teaching assistant so my views on safeguarding and boundaries may be stronger because of this,in terms of what is appropriate contact, but what adult male doesn't realise this crosses a boundary

It beggars belief...what the hell!

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 10/07/2024 13:30

ExtraOnions · 10/07/2024 13:26

…he must be very quick at changing a nappy if he picked baby up, got her undressed, found your bag, took the stuff out, took old nappy off, wiped, put new nappy on.. when you were out the room for a moment

Yes he must have immediately changed her as soon as I left,so not that she was sat for ages waiting to be changed and I wasn't there

OP posts:
Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 10/07/2024 13:29

Springadorable · 10/07/2024 13:27

That's very weird. But were you gone longer than you thought? I don't see how going for a wee would leave enough time to comment on the nappy being full, find your bag, rummage around for the stuff and get her changed?

Walked up the stairs, wee'd, washed my hands,walked downstairs, so no I don't think i was gone long enough for them to think oh this situation is untenable that poor baby needs her nappy changing with immediate urgency

OP posts:
Conniebygaslight · 10/07/2024 13:29

Jesus, I cannot believe that OP, that's not just inappropriate it's fking outrageous!!!
No way in anyone's language is that acceptable.
Your friend is appalling for reversing this to you. I'd message this bloke and tell him never to touch your child again and tell your friend she's really let you down for defending him.

AzureAnt · 10/07/2024 13:29

Yanbu OP, something is off about this. It doesn't make sense to me and I can't imagine any male (,or female) friend of mine doing something like this unprompted. And knowing most of my male friends, they would run a mile when there are nappies to be changed
Very bizarre indeed!!

Iwasafool · 10/07/2024 13:28

godmum56 · 10/07/2024 13:22

I do wonder, Op if there is a kind of hint of your friend protesting too much here? stuff she has an inkling of but doesn't want to face?

Or she realises she's put him in an awkward position and feels guilty. The friend really seems to be the one at fault here. Also saying the nappy was full implies to me that it was dirty not just wet and I hate seeing a baby left in a dirty nappy even for a short time.

Springadorable · 10/07/2024 13:27

That's very weird. But were you gone longer than you thought? I don't see how going for a wee would leave enough time to comment on the nappy being full, find your bag, rummage around for the stuff and get her changed?

Lollypop701 · 10/07/2024 13:27

i Have 2 kids, one dd. No way would my dh do this and if he suggested it I’d tell him no.

ExtraOnions · 10/07/2024 13:26

…he must be very quick at changing a nappy if he picked baby up, got her undressed, found your bag, took the stuff out, took old nappy off, wiped, put new nappy on.. when you were out the room for a moment

Original poster
Badassbreastfeeder85 · 10/07/2024 13:26

I'm a teaching assistant so my views on safeguarding and boundaries may be stronger because of this,in terms of what is appropriate contact, but what adult male doesn't realise this crosses a boundary

OP posts:
Conniebygaslight · 10/07/2024 13:25

Cantalever · 10/07/2024 12:59

How did he get the new nappy? Did he go into your bag, OP? This is all wildly inappropriate.

Not as 'inappropriate' as changing a her DD's nappy!!!

anon4net · 10/07/2024 13:24

I would find this highly inappropriate. I also don't think most men are predators AND that most innocent men would not want to put themselves in this situation.

There are very few things that would make me react with a lot of certainty but this is one. Highly highly inappropriate for a strange man to take it upon himself as soon as a parents back is turned, to take a child's nappy off/change a nappy. Highly highly inappropriate.