DS seeing his dad one day a week

Tangoisbetterthanfanta · 2024-07-09T18:22:45+00:00

And it’s messing up my weekends. I have my DS 10 every other weekend(50/50 with his dad). My other DS 2 only sees his dad sat am-sun pm. Me and DS10 like to go away to our caravan at weekends but can’t as DS2 dad sees him then so I need to stay home for him to pick him up. I’ve suggested he have DS2 Friday-Sunday(even every other weekend) but he’s said no. if we go away, I’m expected to meet him half way(which is an hour drive each way) to drop DS to him. I really can’t afford the fuel for this, and it a pain in the neck as we like to have days out and have an early start. how can I get around this?

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 19/07/2024 18:39

Tangoisbetterthanfanta · 09/07/2024 19:34

Then he just won’t see him? I obviously want to avoid that for both of them

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So be just wont see him if he doesnt get his own way, but will take you to court? Let him. Did he refuse your very reasonable request in writing?

RatalieTatalie · 18/07/2024 16:59

Not that likely I’d think, you’re offering a reasonable solution that offers him something that works with your schedule and around your family which is important too. Maybe offer an additional day in the week as a compromise so he doesn’t feel he’s losing time? Although i doubt he cares really.

It’ll go to mediation before court anyway and I wouldn’t think it would be seen as reasonable for your other son to have no leisure time with his brother. I’d stand firm, as he gets older you’ll need weekend time with him becuase of school anyway.

Original poster

Tangoisbetterthanfanta · 18/07/2024 16:49

Hello wise mumsnetters.
so he’s still digging his heels in and is speaking to a solicitor soon.
what are his chances of him getting his own way and this staying as sat-sun instead of Fri-sun eow?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tangoisbetterthanfanta · 10/07/2024 18:08

ImNotGivingAwayMyShot · 10/07/2024 14:59

How did it go OP?

I don't think there is anything unreasonable about the request. The Dad only sees his son 4 nights out of 30 by choice. I also don;t see it as forcing him to align with DS1 Dad, even if he never saw his Dad you would have the same issue with going away because you would still have to wait for DS2 Dad to collect him.

And as a PP mentioned, things do come up. Amicable parents just switch the weekend so it may look something like 2 weekends in a row with one parent then 2 weekends in a row with the other. Also totally fine to just agree to an extra weekend, it's really not that big of a deal as people are making out.

You cannot force DS2 Dad to see him so don't try. DS1's weekends with you are already dictated by DS2 Dad which is not on. You're putting the kids first and he's just being selfish.

This sums it all up perfectly. Thanks.
I’ve still not had a response from my messsge. I won’t be sending a follow up message. It’s down to him to decide what he wants to do. I’m really not bothered at this point, which is very liberating. And I have mumsnetters to thank for that

OP posts:

ImNotGivingAwayMyShot · 10/07/2024 14:59

How did it go OP?

I don't think there is anything unreasonable about the request. The Dad only sees his son 4 nights out of 30 by choice. I also don;t see it as forcing him to align with DS1 Dad, even if he never saw his Dad you would have the same issue with going away because you would still have to wait for DS2 Dad to collect him.

And as a PP mentioned, things do come up. Amicable parents just switch the weekend so it may look something like 2 weekends in a row with one parent then 2 weekends in a row with the other. Also totally fine to just agree to an extra weekend, it's really not that big of a deal as people are making out.

You cannot force DS2 Dad to see him so don't try. DS1's weekends with you are already dictated by DS2 Dad which is not on. You're putting the kids first and he's just being selfish.

Original poster

Tangoisbetterthanfanta · 09/07/2024 21:34

GrumpyPanda · 09/07/2024 21:28

Sure but keep it short and snappy. Don't explain why you're doing what you're doing (and thus implicitly ask for approval). Just say, this is what we're doing. I could drop off if you like, if not then not. Etc etc.

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That’s pretty much what I’ve said
no reply as yet

OP posts:

GrumpyPanda · 09/07/2024 21:28

Tangoisbetterthanfanta · 09/07/2024 21:25

I really don’t mind dropping DS off as it is on our way.

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Sure but keep it short and snappy. Don't explain why you're doing what you're doing (and thus implicitly ask for approval). Just say, this is what we're doing. I could drop off if you like, if not then not. Etc etc.

Original poster

Tangoisbetterthanfanta · 09/07/2024 21:25

GrumpyPanda · 09/07/2024 21:23

I agree with this. You shouldn't be explaining in detail why Friday, it comes across as apologetic and hence a weakness.

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I really don’t mind dropping DS off as it is on our way.

OP posts:

GrumpyPanda · 09/07/2024 21:23

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 09/07/2024 20:17

Or, Id be even more assertive. Take out you can always drop off as you dont want to always be doing that.

I will be leaving Friday evening, it's up to you if you want to come and get him Friday or I have him for the weekend. I can drop him off on our way through this Friday if it’s easier. I’m afraid it is too far (and too expensive) to drive and meet you on Saturday morning as we have plans for a day out. Going forward it would be best for DS if you had him Friday - Sunday every other weekend, starting this weekend. Let me know what you would like to do.

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I agree with this. You shouldn't be explaining in detail why Friday, it comes across as apologetic and hence a weakness.

Original poster

Tangoisbetterthanfanta · 09/07/2024 21:14

Snugglemonkey · 09/07/2024 21:05

It is not up to you to protect that relationship. If he cannot be arsed to parent, he will not. You can delay perhaps, but why?

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you’re right… I’ve bowed to his way the entire time just for an easy life

OP posts:

Snugglemonkey · 09/07/2024 21:05

Tangoisbetterthanfanta · 09/07/2024 19:34

Then he just won’t see him? I obviously want to avoid that for both of them

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It is not up to you to protect that relationship. If he cannot be arsed to parent, he will not. You can delay perhaps, but why?

whathasitgottodowiththepriceofoliveoil · 09/07/2024 20:59

RatalieTatalie · 09/07/2024 20:59

oh absolutely and OP doesn’t sound like she’s bothered which weekend is which, but no harm in aiming for the siblings to spend time together as the goal. If that goes astray down the line on the odd occasion then that’s fine isn’t it but definitely not unreasonable to start with that

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We are in agreement

RatalieTatalie · 09/07/2024 20:59

whathasitgottodowiththepriceofoliveoil · 09/07/2024 20:46

It's fine to start it off like that but from experience it won't stay nice and neat like that. There will be holidays, funerals, not being able to get the same time off work but can get the next off etc. Its fine to start with a rigid plan but all it takes is someone's grandma to be visiting the "wrong week" and it will go wrong.

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oh absolutely and OP doesn’t sound like she’s bothered which weekend is which, but no harm in aiming for the siblings to spend time together as the goal. If that goes astray down the line on the odd occasion then that’s fine isn’t it but definitely not unreasonable to start with that

whathasitgottodowiththepriceofoliveoil · 09/07/2024 20:46

RatalieTatalie · 09/07/2024 20:35

Of course it’s fine for them not to be together all the tIme, but if one is 10 and one is 2, the 10 year old will be at school all week. if they have contact with their other parent on alternative weekends…they’ll never see each other either.

at the moment the 2 year olds dad is having him every sat/sun, so if it’s going to move to every other weekend, what difference will it make to dad what weekend it starts on 🤷‍♀️

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It's fine to start it off like that but from experience it won't stay nice and neat like that. There will be holidays, funerals, not being able to get the same time off work but can get the next off etc. Its fine to start with a rigid plan but all it takes is someone's grandma to be visiting the "wrong week" and it will go wrong.

Original poster

Tangoisbetterthanfanta · 09/07/2024 20:42

whathasitgottodowiththepriceofoliveoil · 09/07/2024 20:27

Do the dads have other kids?

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no they don’t

OP posts:

titchy · 09/07/2024 20:39

I said this last weekend and he just didn’t see him

Well that's on him. He can just see him alternate weekends then.

Coconutter24 · 09/07/2024 20:39

Tangoisbetterthanfanta · 09/07/2024 19:36

I said this last weekend and he just didn’t see him

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Then I’d just say that to him every other weekend, then he gets a full weekend with you if his dad decides not to get him and the following weekend have the usual plan of sat am - sun pm

RatalieTatalie · 09/07/2024 20:35

whathasitgottodowiththepriceofoliveoil · 09/07/2024 20:28

The kids are individuals it's fine for them not to be together all the time

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Of course it’s fine for them not to be together all the tIme, but if one is 10 and one is 2, the 10 year old will be at school all week. if they have contact with their other parent on alternative weekends…they’ll never see each other either.

at the moment the 2 year olds dad is having him every sat/sun, so if it’s going to move to every other weekend, what difference will it make to dad what weekend it starts on 🤷‍♀️

Sharkattack1888 · 09/07/2024 20:32

I would also not offer to drop him off. He will expect this every time

whathasitgottodowiththepriceofoliveoil · 09/07/2024 20:28

Wasywasydoodah · 09/07/2024 20:25

It’s definitely fine to keep the boys together. If there’s an exception then fine for the odd time, but don’t change the pattern!

The kids are individuals it's fine for them not to be together all the time

whathasitgottodowiththepriceofoliveoil · 09/07/2024 20:27

BookArt · 09/07/2024 20:22

Every other weekend, one with you and one with dad. Kids stay together. Because this is about them and not the needs or wants of the parents.
I would communicate to dad that this will be happening moving forward. And quite frankly if dad chooses to not see his youngest then that is on him. He's using that to guilt trip you into doing what dad wants and not what is best for the kids.
If you have a solicitor then get them to send the letter.
And if it ends up in court then your arguenebt is fair and putting the kids first. His arguments revolves around himself.
It's time for you to not let him decide everythibg which I know is hard given it appears that has been the status quo. You can do this. Good luck!

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Do the dads have other kids?

Original poster

Tangoisbetterthanfanta · 09/07/2024 20:27

whathasitgottodowiththepriceofoliveoil · 09/07/2024 20:19

Rubbish tbh your contact schedule shouldn't be dictated by the weather so leave that out.

I think you need to chat to your son and ask if he wants you to ask dad about him staying there Friday - Sunday or whatever it is every other week

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I’ve actually edited the message a bit as the full details are quite outing. I haven’t mentioned the weather to him

OP posts:

Original poster

Tangoisbetterthanfanta · 09/07/2024 20:25

BookArt · 09/07/2024 20:22

Every other weekend, one with you and one with dad. Kids stay together. Because this is about them and not the needs or wants of the parents.
I would communicate to dad that this will be happening moving forward. And quite frankly if dad chooses to not see his youngest then that is on him. He's using that to guilt trip you into doing what dad wants and not what is best for the kids.
If you have a solicitor then get them to send the letter.
And if it ends up in court then your arguenebt is fair and putting the kids first. His arguments revolves around himself.
It's time for you to not let him decide everythibg which I know is hard given it appears that has been the status quo. You can do this. Good luck!

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All good points. I hope it doesn’t get to the stage of solicitors and courts as it’s all been amicable to this point. Apart from the hiccup when I dared go to the CSA but that’s another thread.
with DS10, his dad and I have had the same arrangement for years now. His weekends, I assume, work with his partners children seeing their dad. If we swap weekends, we always go back to the original rota.

OP posts:

Wasywasydoodah · 09/07/2024 20:25

It’s definitely fine to keep the boys together. If there’s an exception then fine for the odd time, but don’t change the pattern!

BookArt · 09/07/2024 20:22

Tangoisbetterthanfanta · 09/07/2024 20:07

I don’t know how to work this for the best? Help!

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Every other weekend, one with you and one with dad. Kids stay together. Because this is about them and not the needs or wants of the parents.
I would communicate to dad that this will be happening moving forward. And quite frankly if dad chooses to not see his youngest then that is on him. He's using that to guilt trip you into doing what dad wants and not what is best for the kids.
If you have a solicitor then get them to send the letter.
And if it ends up in court then your arguenebt is fair and putting the kids first. His arguments revolves around himself.
It's time for you to not let him decide everythibg which I know is hard given it appears that has been the status quo. You can do this. Good luck!