Why do a lot of men seem to think it's 1954 not 2024?

Not even sure if it’s her husband as she referred to him only as her partner which makes it worse.

Not sure why women put up with it as l don’t. Increasingly l have seen a trend where a lot of men want women to do all house stuff, child stuff AND be the main bread earner. While they “start their own business”, “find themselves”, “find the right job role” etc. AKA chill out with their mates and numerous hobbies. Then get annoyed when this is challenged, accusing the woman of being controlling and selfish

My OH was raised by a single mother. She worked 2 jobs so didn’t have much time for housework. As a result the kids had to all do household chores- wash clean cook shop etc.

He is the absolute best to be in a relationship with! He does so much I very very rarely ask him to do anything. He takes the initiative, cooks brilliantly and always tries to make life easier with hello fresh, Costco runs, looking for discounts. He is so friendly and great with cleaners and tradespeople. Can spot a bad egg a mile off. He sorts everything car related (which I hate and don’t understand).

Compare this to a princeling who had a stay at home mum run around after them for 18+ years. No comparison! Choose wisely ladies.

I think this is true. My DH grew up with two working parents back in the 70s. While his DF had the main job he was still taking a domestic role doing housework etc. DH grew up with the idea that looking after the home was shared responsibility.

Until your DH dies/leaves/etc and you are fucked. But yeah, you do you. Don't say you weren't warned though

I had an ex a bit like this.

He'd been raised by two very strong women alongside his sister who didn't take any sh*t either.

But they'd all just been more capable than him growing up so they'd done things because there was a general sense he couldn't. He'd lost his Dad early making him the sole male in the family. He looked and acted a lot like his Dad and I think this made them a bit indulgent twoards him.

The next result was an otherwise lovely grown man who simply didn't see how much effort was required to do things. He'd do the washing, sure. He'd just never seem to do it quite as much or as often - leaving it until there was a huge basketful that required 2-3 days to clean and dry properly. He'd then not connect that to the slight smell of damp because everything had taken too long to dry.

He was young then, so it's possible he's grown and learned since then but the nagging sense I was slotting into the role of his mother was what did for us.

Google 'household labour gender statistics'. If you have a 50/50 fair split in your marriage, you are uncommon. It's not a Mumsnet thing.

I don't think that the OP was looking to blame the mother(s). I think that he was asking if a man looks for someone in a potential wife or partner to take over that role and I don't think that it's outrageous to think that can and has been the case. A father should be a good role model - absolutely. If a child sees the man taking on a shared responsibility of housework then it's not crazy to think that they'll grow up with the same outlook.

I've got a friend whose dh never once changed a nappy. I think I'd have found that soul destroying. Late dh and I took it in turns when both at home.

Not RTFT but I think it is partly upbringing - both boys and girls socialized into doing 'blue tasks' (bins, DIY, lawnmowing etc) and 'pink tasks' (cooking, cleaning, household management).

When a baby arrives, the traditional 'mum' duties fall to the female partner, and the male becomes 'the breadwinner'.

Because for the first few months the mother is the baby's main caregiver, the pattern can stick, especially if the mother does not return to work.

I know many couples where the childcare and housework is shared, but I think inevitably the mother ends up doing more than 50 %. I know some couples where the father was the one staying at home with the baby and toddler(s) while the mother progressed her career, but I can't think of many. It worked for them - mum did well in her career, and dad retrained when the DC were at school, and also did well.

This is what happens. You give ground due to particular circumstances (maternity leave etc.) and then never get it back.

Don't let him get away with this. Put the plates in a washing-up bowl out in the garden until he can be bothered to deal with them.

My mum was a housewife for years while my dad went to work and did nothing around the house, she insisted this was only fair, except then he was made redundant and she got a full time job and she continued doing everything around the house while he did nothing 🤨 my husband thinks he’s pathetic (and he’s right) he definitely does his fair share of the parenting and housework and always has done.

I don't think men do think it's 1954, on the whole. Some of them are just lazy. Some women are lazy too but fewer of them because they don't get away with it. Man abandons child, fine. Woman abandons child, prosecuted for neglect.

I think there are lot of SAHMs on here who judge working mums and DO think we need to go back to the 1950s.

Along with all the Reform voters. And even more scarily, the proponents of Project 2025 in the US who seem to want to form a Christian Taliban state. And they have the ear of Trump. It goes way beyond banning abortion.

Same, but post-child DH has decided all of that is my job now, and washing up his own dishes occasionally is more than enough contribution (he is currently unemployed so in the house all day, they are all his not mine or DS’s)

Nobody, nobody sets out to marry a man like this. They change.

My DH does most of the cooking, all the washing up, the bins, cuts the grass and washes our smalls. He also does lots of the house admin and booking holidays (I could do that, but he enjoys it so I leave him to it, we don’t do packages so book flights accommodation and transfers independently). I clean and iron his shirts. Interestingly my FIL was a 1950s man but MIL was determined DH would not grow up that way. DB is also not a 1950s man, my dad always pulled his weight around the house, he was older when we were born and retired at 60 when we were at secondary school and thereafter did all the cleaning.

I think it actually comes down to the fact that men are lazy. My DH knows how to do everything in the house, but he doesn’t. He claims that he doesn’t see the crumbs all over the carpet, or his pubic hairs on the toilet rim. He does what suits him.
and I have a DF in his 80’s who won’t have a cleaner but won’t do any cleaning himself. He just refuses to clean. He’ll garden and DIY, but that’s it.

My dgf was born in 1900, he did the laundry after working a night shift in a factory.
My own df always did the housework on a weekend if dm was working, cooked a roast, ironed, vacuumed. His generation had all done national service so knew how to iron, clean etc.
My dh was raised with men’s jobs and women’s jobs. Fortunately he was willing to muck in although he took a bit of training. 😂
We’re retired now and he does as much as I do.
My ds has always done half of all housework and as a uni student he was the one that would clean the uni house.

Is it possible it's a male trait? For example one of the things that drives me mad is that after a family day out my husband can come in the front door and flop on the sofa with his phone. I on the other hand am emptying the car, feeding the dog, bringing in the washing. This seems to be a thing (amongst my friends anyway). He wouldn't care if I flopped on the sofa and looked at my phone too though. It's not his expectations, it's because I want things done.

In my case it's because that's the kind of family I grew up in and I didn't know any different. When I met my husband he was nicer to me than my parents had been and I think I was grateful so I got into the habit of doing a lot of the grunt work. He also worked a lot longer hours than I did.

But when we moved in together and had children and had a much bigger property which was much more time-consuming to look after, it was very different. He wasn't so nice by then and became very critical of everything I did. He didn't ever do anything with the children - even take them out with the pram to give me a break or change a nappy or give me a lie-in even as a one-off.

Remember where I started though in which my family background wasn't loving so I didn't question it in the way someone with a normal family would have done. When you talk about sitting down and working out what was fair, I hadn't learnt how to do that assertively because it didn't happen in my family and because no-one ever taught me how to get my needs met or even that that was a possibility. So my feeble attempts at getting some kind of fair balance were easily shut down or dismissed.

I've had a lot of therapy since then and am more assertive but I can see how a lot of women fall into these relationships and it's not that they lack a backbone - I often stand up for people when others wouldn't and don't stand any rubbish from my husband these days - but because these relationships happen insidiously. The men involved break the women's self esteem and agency down over time and are very skilled at gaslighting and putting them down. And I'm guessing many - but not all - of the women come from dysfunctional backgrounds themselves.

This is not my experience with our family and all of my close friends. I’m aware of it happening on here, but this is definitely not the case in my circle. Everyone pulls their weight, in two of the couples the men do more as their wives have very stressful jobs with long hours.

It’s absolutely bonkers and worse than the 1050s. My granny always used to talk about how my grandfather would get up early and get the nappies boiled and the clean dry ones pre folded, then he’d get the train into London to his civil service job in Whitehall. He also washed the kitchen floor before bed so it could dry over night while granny fed the baby.

By contrast, I was told “you’re so lucky your dh helps So much at home!” Er, we both work full time so why the fuck wouldn’t he?!

I think it’s getting worse again. Looking at younger colleagues there seems to be a trend of the women doing the bulk of domestic work. I’m wondering if the rot sets in with the very long maternity leaves. Where I work women are typically off 14-15 months with leave accrual. By then the inequality of domestic tasks is established. I don’t know anyone whose partner has taken parental leave. I then notice the woman always takes leave when kids are sick. The man’s job is apparently too important or ‘we can’t afford for him to be off’.

Exactly.
The freedom is worth everything.

You both sound comfortably and arrogantly
well off. Those are rather sweeping statements. Please try not to sound quite so judgemental. Some jobs especially those in farming require huge workloads, cows don’t milk themselves. Also, some jobs are so poorly paid that if one partner is going to be a stay at home parent then the other, in effect, has to work two jobs to make ends meet.