Ex left as I didn't want to commit, says he made a mistake

You need to let him go, OP. You’re being so unfair to him.

You can grow up alone (buy your own flat) or not at all.

But if you don't want to marry him or buy a flat with him or have a baby with him, don't. And be honest that you have no intention of doing so.

It sounds like he's not the one for you. Don't worry about him, he sounds like a good man who will be snapped up.

I was with someone who didn't seem to want marriage and kids. I decided living together was enough.

eventually I left for other reasons and I was right to.

you'd be wrong to have him back. You're not being fair.

This is not how wanting to get married feels

This x

He’s missing you and feeling like he made the wrong decision but in the long term it’s the right choice.

If you were 21 years old I’d say you’re allowed more time to think, but nearly 30 and him being 33 time is ticking. (Not like months but obviously he needs a time frame)

I think if you still can’t decide on these things which by the way is VALID. Let him go and find that happiness with someone else, x

Have any of your friends done these things? I think sometimes that can subconsciously signal it's ok to do those things too. You're still quite young remember.

For what it's worth I had to talk my dh into buying a flat, getting married, buying a house, having kids. He was terrified of doing all those things but happy after he'd done them! I'm not saying you'll be fine, as obviously I don't know you at all!

Let him go. Leave him be so he is free to find someone who is ready.

If you don't know why you don't feel ready after 4 years together then you have no idea if you ever will be ready. Maybe it him, maybe you just don't want those things, neither is wrong but reconciling in the hope you will become ready would be selfish.

Do you think it's fair to use the time of someone you claim to love when you know you are not at the same life stage as he is?

Then he's not the right one for you. Honestly. When it's right, you'll want to do it.

I realised I had to split up with my ex when I had a dream about us getting married, and realised that it was a nightmare and I woke up relieved that I hadn't done it.

You don’t want what he wants - don’t waste anymore of his time.

Exactly my point!

It ls impossible to tell from this thread whether you are not ready for commitment, or if he’s just not ‘the one’. I suspect you know though, if you’re really honest with yourself.

And how are we then expected to comment, as she asked us to without more info?

You are right that this feels like only OP can tell if she wants to commit to him or not. SO what's teh point of this thread? To reaffirm her feelings to us in a form of a question?

Unless you can fully commit you need to let him go.

He doesn't have to be any of those things. She probably just doesn't love him (enough), her not wanting to commit doesn't mean something must be wrong with the guy.

Me and my finance split when one day he came home and declared he no longer wanted children. He'd been so excited about it in chats, but kept putting it off. Turns out he didn't know whether he wanted them, when he realised he didn't a few weeks before the wedding, he left.
I was absolutely devastated and for a time, thought I could give up the hope of a family just to be with him. That he'd be enough.
We tried again but it became clear fairly early on that I'd forever resent that decision to give up what I wanted.
6 years down the line I've got my beautiful family, I'm happy, he's happy, we're still friends.
It was so so hard at first so I get how he's feeling. But honestly if you truly don't want those things, you've gotta make that clear.
From the other side it feels like you could love someone enough to make it fine. But I'm not sure it ever really is. I still thank him for making that call and ending things.

Equally maybe he sat down and thought about it and doesn't want all those things. Just liked the idea as that's what people do. Who knows!
Perhaps more of discussion about why he's come to that decision. Did he realise it was just "how people did things" or is he giving it up for you?

I think if you're still not sure then he's not the one for you. Don't string him along any more - you may never be comfortable with the idea of marriage and children and that's what he wants. Essentially, you're incompatible.

career progression? earnings?
what do you like about him? etc things you have in common.

It is strange you rented together and you are still unable to put a finger on what is making you hesitant? Is he immature? Not house trained? Goes out drinking into teh early hours? Possessive? You need to tell us more if you want to hear what 'we think'.

If he left but without staying close like he has this time, if you never saw him again, how would you feel?

Then he’s not the one for you. You won’t be frightened to commit to the right one.

How old are you?

how old are you both?

what stages of your lives are you at? - work, renting, deposit etc

I think he’d be mad to come back. You don’t want what he wants.

And if you don’t want it with him after 4 years you need to go your separate ways.