Ex left as I didn't want to commit, says he made a mistake

I think most people know whether they'd like to be married or not, but the key is finding the person that you want to do that with - some people can't imagine getting married until they meet that special someone.

Your ex wants to commit to you, he thinks you're that special someone, but it's obvious from what you've written that you don't feel the same way. That's okay. There is no rule that says just because someone thinks you're 'the one' that you have to agree. Unrequited love is a well-known thing! But you should be honest with him, don't string him along, let him go and lick his wounds and look for someone else who will want to marry him. And maybe you will find someone who makes you want to commit to them too - but you'll never know unless you let your ex go, once and for all.

You'll know when you want them and maybe you never will, and thats ok. But you dont want them with him, so he isnt the one for you and more importantly, you are not the one for him.

At 29, after 4 years, you know. If you're not feeling it you're not that into him.

He wants things that you don't. He obviously loves you and therefore, for him, wanting those things with you is natural. But you don't want them, so let him find someone else who does want those things. He is heartbroken now, but he will find someone more suitable in time. Don't waste any more of his life.

Does he regret it though?

If you have remained close, he hasn't really given himself a chance.

And really seems like he wants certain things and you don't. And you haven't actually cut the cord and separated properly. So he is still holding on. There's not been an actual break.

I don't want to get married and dp knows that. If dp really wanted to get married it would be cruel, imo, if I stayed with him knowing that's what he was always hoping for when I don't want it. I want dp to have the things he feels is important, even if it's without me.

Wether you mean to or not you have strung him along. Thinking it's time to grow up isn't the reason to marry someone.

And be honest, is the fact that he is his carrying on with his plans without you, making you consider getting back with him?

Where do you see yourself in 5,10,20 years? Do you want children, marriage, to own a house etc?

If so, then it sounds like you just don’t want these things with HIM, which means you definitely shouldn’t get back together.

If you’re not sure you want these things at all, then you also shouldn’t get back together as he obviously does. It will just cause more arguments down the line.

You need to have a long hard think about what you actually want.

OP I don't think it's about you needing to grow up.

I think its about not being right for each other. It's ok to not be right for each other. It's also ok for you to not want marriage & a mortgage etc. You shouldn't feel pressured into those things.

Well if you wanted them with him then I would say with almost certainty you’d have definitely felt it at least at some point by 4+ years and so much time apart to miss him. You didn’t, seen as he’s wanting you back and not the other way around.

In terms of knowing if you want those things at all; what do you visualise for your future? Do you imagine the joy of independently buying your own home, or imagine living with someone? Have you thought about a wedding? Do you picture yourself with children? I think how you see yourself is the most important thing. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting those things either. But I think you need to figure out what would make you content before embarking on any relationship.

Don't go back. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with him.

Marriage is hard enough without starting it on a compromise. You will know in your heart when you are with someone you really do want to be with for the rest of your life.

Doesn't matter. He wants them. With you. You either don't want them with him, or you don't want them at all. Its not fair to continue to waste his time, 4 years without any interest in commitment isn't going to be enough for most people.

It doesn’t sound like he’s not your one, even if you’re apparently his. I think four years is more than enough time to know if you wanted to be with him. And if you don’t want children or marriage at all then it’s not fair to make him wait for something you might never feel. I don’t think it’s about “growing up” more than you don’t actually want those things with him if you’re honest. I just don’t think actually staying in contact has helped either of you figure out what you want and has possibly kept him strung along unintentionally more than you realised. He’s panicking he’s now approaching mid 30s and not “settled down” but that doesn’t mean you have to jump back in and fairytale it for him.

Tell me you’ve never been divorced without telling me you’ve never been divorced 😆😆

Don’t be so bloody stupid. You shouldn’t marry unless you are fully committed to that person.

Cut to 2 or 3 years later, and this same man was married to someone else with a baby on the way! The issue wasn't that he didn't want commitment fullstop. As soon as he found the right woman, he wanted commitment.

I agree, I've seen it myself. In fact I was the woman who the "commitmentphobe" married (was a nightmare, should have said no!) and had a child with. If they "dont feel ready" then they never will with you, but will often leave for the woman that they will marry eye wateringly quickly and be revoltingly happy with, after using you as a place holder for years.

@Seeusernamehistory1 This is potentially what you could do to him, arent you better than that?

So she should agree to marriage with a man she isnt sure she wants to commit to, probably buying a house and having kids too, all on the basis that she can "just" get divorced, like its that easy! With shared property, maybe kids, plus the cost and upheaval of divorce, it really isnt the "oh well you can always get divorced" easy out that you say it is!

The fact that the OP doesnt want to marry unless she is sure it is forever says to me that marriage actually has more importance to her than it does to you!!

I've seen this situation a twice with close friends (and more often with friends of friends). But it was always the woman who wanted the commitment and the man who "wasn't ready for commitment".

Cut to 2 or 3 years later, and this same man was married to someone else with a baby on the way! The issue wasn't that he didn't want commitment fullstop. As soon as he found the right woman, he wanted commitment.

It's a cliché, but if you care for this guy, set him free. It would be easy for you to get back with him - you like him, he loves you, and it's nice to be with someone. But you'd be holding him back from finding the right person who wants to commit to him as much as he wants to commit to them.

Don't go into a marriage thinking you can always get divorced. Divorce is expensive, painful and difficult. What a ridiculous suggestion.

You don't need marriage kids and a mortgage to grow up - maybe it's not him that's the issue but you just don't want any of those things at all which is absolutely fine. If he does however then it's not fair on him to let him think he might have a chance.

If you genuinely wanted to marry him, have a family, buy a home together etc - you'd know. And you'd commit.

Don't waste his time or his life. He isn't your The One.

Tell him so honestly and let him go.

Or if you find after time apart that yes you want what he wants - tell him that.

It’s not fair to give someone false hope in case you wake up and change your mind, which sounds like what you’re doing. You need to be clear in how you feel. If you’re clear that you’re unsure though,he can decide if he wants to wait around for you. Sounds like you’re both hedging your bets.

You can always get divorced if it doesn't work out.

Thing is, maybe you are the love of his life, but he isnt yours.

If he was you wouldnt have had that hesitancy. If you were as into him as he into you, you would be jumping at the chance to take the next step. They fact that you are holding back means your brain is trying to tell you something and you should listen to it.

You can love someone and not be right for them. He is lonely, he hasnt found anyone else he wants to be with yet because he is still getting over you and, with kindness, you are not helping him get over you with staying in touch as you are.

I think that the best thing for both of you is to cut contact altogether. Gives you both time to get used to not having each other in your lives so you can recover. This halfway house of not being together but not being apart isnt doing either of you any favours.

I think you would know if he was the one you wanted to commit to after 4 years. For both your sakes I think you need to stand firm on the breakup.

I don't think you can plan too far ahead. However he wants marriage, kids , mortgage etc and you don't. I think it's sad but you should not get back together as you will be prolonging the separation pain.

Neither of you are right or wrong, you’re just in two different places.

It’s the main reason why I’d be reluctant to be in a relationship with a big age gap, as this is more likely to happen.

Its sad but it’s not fair for him to put his life on hold, waiting for something that may never even happen.

And it’s not fair on you to rush into something you are not ready for.