To ask for feedback from my date?

I do think that dating is a bit like interviewing for a job, but that YOU have to be the one with what Natalie Lue calls the 'recruiter mindset'. So instead of trying to find out stuff about the other person and put them at their ease so that they will choose you, you instead look to see if they fit into your life, if they share your values, and if you feel a spark with them.

This allows you to take a step back and means you aren't twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to be what someone else wants.

Additionally, people take you at your own valuation. Having a recruiter mindset subtly indicates that you value yourself, and so others place more value on you too.

Of course, it's not a guarantee, but you are more likely to choose someone who really suits you if you come from that place.

I believe that one has to "kiss a few frogs" until you find the right one !

It is like viewing properties to buy, when you walk into somewhere & it feels like home, that is the one that you buy. It is a similar feeling with people.

Sorry to add more!! Just remembered who this reminds me of but it's a gentleman I went on a date with before DP. Extremely nice, interesting, successful man, had a lovely time. He was open after a couple of drinks about getting some professional confidence counselling and voice modulation.

However, unfortunately you could tell, and it was off-putting as there was something false about his manner even though he seemed lovely and had kind eyes.

I didn't judge, I got it. He just wanted to do well in life. But from what I gathered, he had worked on appearing confident rather than actually being confident in his own skin so there was a slight disconnect. This kind of thing shows very subtly as in I'd have noticed something amiss even if he hadn't said.

Chances are she probably just didn't feel a spark and that's pretty normal. Would you have honestly wanted a second date with all the others you've met if you were being picky? What about a third?

Don't ask, I don't think she'll tell you the truth if it is something substantive (which probably won't be anything serious, maybe she spends a LOT of time at a hobby/ I don't like the way she eats/ her humour) as that would be not right for her, not the next person.

in asking this question I wondered if your studied confidence is pretty evident seeing as you mention it. That can be noticeable and come across as brittle.if you're leaning on your learned behaviour on a date, maybe tone it down as that isn't quite the real you .

I definitely wouldn't do this! I have a friend who did a fair amount of online dating and he said he met lots of women who were perfectly nice and good company but there was no 'spark' , just no chemistry or physical attraction. I don't think these things can be forced, it's either there or it's not. So she probably thought you were nice but just didn't feel that spark of attraction. Don't worry about it, keep getting out there and meeting people and you're bound to hit it off with someone 💐

Don’t ask that OP.

If you really want to encourage feedback maybe say hope I didn’t offend you or anything?

Or something like that ..?

But… you realise that the majority of people you meet in your life aren’t going to be right for you, surely? You wouldn’t expect to meet lots of people and find that they all want to be with you, would you?! I doubt that you have some weird mega-flaw that nobody can tolerate! Most of us could probably be rejected by a dozen dates and, if we asked for feedback, get a dozen different answers. I dumped someone after a couple of dates for the sole reason that he announced he believed ‘there must be something in it’ about astrology. That doesn’t mean he should never express that view to anyone else, though. Some women would agree with him. It was just me that didn’t.

The issue almost certainly isn’t you, so much as just the statistical likelihood of two random people both feeling a spark for each other.

Haven’t you ever met someone for a date and thought “Ah well, she’s nice but not what I’m looking for”? Surely you don’t fall for every single woman you meet? And if you do, do you think perhaps you might be making the mistake of just looking for any girlfriend, rather than the right girlfriend? You’re allowed to be picky too, you know!

Some people just want to date and not take things further unless it’s 100% totally feeling right,

some people might be dating more than one person at a time and have a better connection with the other person.

I agree that you should be yourself and not ask this person for feedback.

that said, have you got a good old friend you could ask if you’re worried there’s something major that you’re not aware of? Or something that’s easily fixed?
I think people are right you can’t pretend to be something you’re not but it’s great to want to do self improvement and be more self aware

My 2 pence. Maybe you are overly enthusiastic? I think it's better to show interest but be laidback at the same time... kind of go with the flow vibe

Do you follow Matthew Hussey? He has some quite good dating advice. On one of his videos he was talking about how people could have any number of random reasons why they didn't want to carry on dating someone. One of the real life examples he gave was 'they had just bought a horse'. No further explanation given. It could be something as absolutely random, and nothing to do with you, as that.

Are you feeling low in mood? Isolated/depressed? I am wondering if you may need some emotional support from somewhere? I may be completely wrong but why do you feel you aren't doing OK by being yourself?

Welp, I have been on about a kazillion first dates OP. I would say in about 60% of cases neither of us are into the other, 25% of cases they like me but I don't like them, 10% of cases I like them but they don't like me, and in 5% of cases there is a mutual spark.

There's nothing more soul destroying than sitting across the table from a person and watching the interest drain from their eyes. Except watching their interest kindle, with that sick feeling in your stomach that you'll have to let them down at the end of the date.

It's just the way dating is. Most people aren't going to click with most people.

I clicked with someone last night. Second date, and we were snogging on the doorstep of the pub. That's the first time it's happened in two years, and a good 20 or so dates.

The only feedback I ever got (kind of accidentally) was "Your voice didn't sound like I imagined, and your fingernails were painty" (I'm an artist). Turns out he had a near phobia of chemicals, including paint. Probably not a great match for me then! 😆

Don't do it.

It's really disappointing when you think a date went well only for the feeling not to be reciprocated. At least they gave you the grace of a message rather then just ghosting you which seems to be the norm these days.

If being you isn't working then you aren't finding the people who find you attractive/appealing.

If you are after a relationship rather than a one night stand then continue to be yourself and be patient. If you are after a one night stand then asking someone who doesn't want a relationship is futile.
It's ok to be who you are!

Exactly. Focus on whether you like them enough to see them again, whether they suit you etc. Not ‘Am I good enough for this person?’ or ‘What could I have done better?’ like an underconfident job applicant.

I agree, when you're focussing on the having been rejected part of this interaction, it seems so important to know whyyyyyyyyyy and i've been in these shoes, you can obsess over it like all the answers are contained within. But it might be something even they aren't aware of, like ''well, I could tell that you liked me and as i:m avoidant but in denial about that i only chase people who don't like me back''

Perhaps completely wrong but could she have been put off by the fact that you used to be married to a man?

Maybe concerns about how serious you might be etc?

Maybe you are trying too hard? It can put people off...

Thing is, it might be nothing to do with you. She might have someone else in mind, or just got back together with an old flame, or just not be feeling it for some reason right now. It's unlikely to be anything you did on the date, anyway- it's just sometimes you don't want to take things forward, that's not a judgement on the whole person forever.

I don't think you should ask- sometimes it's unquantifiable, and you just don't want to go out again.

Maybe give off 'unavailable' vibes instead. That seems to draw people in like moths to a flame

Honestly OP, there's nothing wrong with you. You just haven't clicked with anyone yet. If you're meeting through OLD then that just intensifies the expectation that Things Will Work Out from the start and, equally, intensifies the disappointment when it doesn't.

I'm going to go against the grain OP and say that I would text. But only because it's female to female.

I think you'd get a more honest and considered response than from a man.

But I wouldn't ask for feedback as such. Maybe dating advice.

I mean, what have you got to lose in doing so. If she was lovely and you got on well then you're unlikely to get an unkind reply 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe something like

'hey, thanks so much for you message and it was a great evening but I really appreciate your honest text! I wonder if I can be a little bit weird and ask for any dating tips. I've not had much luck if I'm honest and doing a bit of a reflecting on things! I obviously don't want to change who I am but any tips that might improve my chances of a second date in the future would be amazing 😊'

But Im a little bit forthright and tend to do weird things like this 😝

Hi OP, don't ask for feedback, you are feeling bruised. FYI, I joined a dating agency along time ago and frequently went on dates that I thought went 'well', only to be told they didn't want to see me again. It's relatively common and natural to want to find out why. Don't do a pm on the situation. Be yourself and you will be OK

Don't do it. You won't get an honest answer.

I'm dating and just given men very vague and polite 'just not my type' messages when calling it a day. The real reasons I've not followed up with dates have been very different -
One man lied about his height and said he was 5'9" when he was the same height as me and I'm 5'5".
One man was a boring bastard who never left the house except for our boring date
One man called me flower and petal (ick)
One man ordered me doubles instead of singles at a bar
One man didn't like a TV show I loved (it was the final straw TBH!)
One man asked if I own my own house (I very much felt like I was being interviewed for a wife with him)
One made a jokes about gingers (DC is ginger)
One asked me why I didn't put a kiss at the end of a text message when he had put one at the end of his.

I'm allowed to have my own albeit weird standards without needing to explain myself to others!