To be upset with SIL & MIL re pregnancy announcement

I think your SIL may actually have been attempting to be sensitive in announcing it via a message to a family group chat -- I can appreciate it hurt you, but I would have preferred that to a private headsup, or anything face to face, because at least I could bawl in privacy. Yes, your MIL's message was idiotically insensitive.

I don't, however, think there's anything to be gained in talking about it. The insensitive will be insensitive, and when called on it, get huffy and defensive: 'You can't say ANYTHING!'

However, it's very likely others in the family chat will have noticed.

Best wishes for the IVF, OP.

YABU re SIL
YANBU re MIL

Same as the others. Sil can announce the way she wants but mil no that's insensitive and tactless.

I think YABU re SIL.

YANBU re MIL.

However, I probably wouldn’t bother raising it with her, you will just be accused of being over sensitive and pissing on SILs chips.

I would withdraw a little a tell MIL a lot less.

I hope things work out for you soon.

I think it would be a shitty thing to do, to talk to them about it and make her happy news all upsetting. Yes it’s hard when others get pregnant if you can’t but it’s a monumental thing for them and I wouldn’t do anything to blight that.
Sometimes people are insensitive but there’s little to be gained from pissing on their parade. Be the person who celebrates for others even when it hurts.

I’m so sorry you are having a hard and disappointing time. It’s a horrible time for you.

Your MILs comment was hurtful, but I don’t think your SIL has done anything wrong. She shared her news in the group chat rather than face to face which was sensitive of her. I’ve been in her position before when a close family member was going through years of infertility and unsuccessful IVF whilst we had our second baby. We made sure to tell them by message and not in person, barely mentioned the pregnancy apart from sharing that scans had gone well. I didn’t even get a congratulations from them, neither asked how I was the whole pregnancy or asked anything about it which actually really hurt. Now they are pregnant which is amazing but they message all the time on the group chat about updates and get loads of messages, it makes me really sad that I couldn’t share with the family. I think I should have been able to and your SIL should be able to. Just another perspective from the other side.

It was thoughtless and perhaps insensitive of them, but they are so excited that they were thinking of themselves rather than you, which is understandable. I can’t see any point at all in you speaking to them about it. At most, your DH could tell his mother privately how much her words upset you.
I don’t think his sister has done anything wrong - you had to find out some time and I think it would have been worse if she'd made a cringingly "special" effort to tell you separately. I don’t think you should spoil her happiness.

I think considering she's your sister in law and not an actual blood relative there's nothing wrong with how she announced it. But your MIL shouldn't have worded it like that.

I think your SiL wasn't out of order, but your MiL very much was with the 'finally' comment. I'd want my husband to speak to her about that as I'm not sure I could politely.

The finally comment from MIL is really the only thing out of order.

The SIL was allowed to be excited for her own pregnancy. She told you over WhatsApp, it may have been in a group setting but I don’t see how that’s worse than messaging you privately. If anything the responses get swept up in the group and there’s less pressure on your reply.
I think the timing is largely irrelevant, I’m sure it would have hurt whether it was 4 days or 4 weeks later just due to what you went through. But that’s just the situation, it’s not really your SIL’s fault.

Wow. Did she really say 'finally'? What. utter contempt for you and so insensitive. You should definitely have been told privately beforehand. No excuses for your charming mother in law.

Oh you poor thing! I think the SIL may have been trying to tell you in a way where you could let your feelings out and wouldn’t be on show. Awful timing but she has to share at some point. Your MIL was incredibly hurtful though and needs your DH to have a word.

TTC is such a heartbreaking thing when it doesn’t go to plan. Nowhere near like your situation but, when I was TTC, I was 6 months in with a MC in that time when a colleague shoved her scan picture in my face. I had to take myself off to cry.

I really hope it works out for you soon!

This! Not quite the same but DH and I have been ttc (and all that comes with infertility!!) for a couple of years now and my sibling announced their ‘surprise pregnancy’ to us in front of the entire family, before talking about how inconvenient the timing was 🙃 of course I was, ultimately, happy for them and congratulated them heartily at the time but absolutely blindsided and cried the whole way home. A message feels more detached and thus easier to process your feelings in private.
your mil was fucking horrible, and her comment was way out of line.

Life goes on for other people. And it makes folk less sensitive when they have exciting news to share. People get cack-handed with it too as they would think pussy footing around you makes an issue out of your difficulties.

They shouldn't feel like they can't share their news with their family ans there is no way to do this that wouldnt upset you realistically . It is ok to be happy for them while being sad for you

Mil's comment was insensitive and she's probably kicking herself for it.

You are understandably sensitive to anything baby related currently. Ivf rarely works on the first attempt sometimes it takes many. Many attempts.

Try to ignore the crass comments. Fingers crossed for your next attempt 🙏

I really agree with this.

As someone in a similar position to yourself, I'd rather be sent a group message that I can just put "congratulations" to and digest in my own time - being told f2f is a lot of pressure and being pre told just means I need to send a 1 on 1 message. Group text is perfect imo.

The only thing I would be hurt about would be the "finally" comment, which is unnecessary and really rude.

Ah op. I really feel for you, I remember crying a whole day in a similar situation.
what I realised was, before my ivf experience, I thought and probably even said insensitive things. Until I went through it,which put a new lens on life,on hurt,on consideration of other peoples circumstances.
I thought I had empathy before but look back on mistakes I made with friends who were having ivf.
yes, they were both in the wrong I think. Your SIL should have text you separately and your MIL should not have said what she did. It hurts so badly. I remember some of those hurts and still flinch now.
I think you should speak to your MIL to avoid her doing it again. Otherwise, you’ll end up withdrawing from his family to protect yourself.
I did the ivf journey twice and was given 1% chance due to age and other circumstances and got my baby in the end. Keep going, it’s so so hard and feels like it will never happen for you. The world is painfully full of reminders, poor comments and what you’ve just experienced. Keep strong

I think SIL was good to tell you online / over message and I can see it would feel like a gentler way to do it than in person.

MIL reaction is horrid and I would call her out on it.

honestly I can't believe they did that. So awful. You have every right to be upset and furious with them. I would be cutting all ties, personally. I can't believe anyone here is defending your SIL, those people have clearly never experienced fertility issues. She definitely should have told you privately, and she should have waited a few weeks at least, give you time to process your situation.

Who is on the family WhatsApp? In a closed family group they’ve let you know without putting you on the spot. Honestly, there’s no way for it not to hurt. Mil’s comment was rubbish and hurtful.

It's horrible but I’ve been on the other side. My db and wife were starting IVF while I had a second pregnancy that was twins, just to really rub salt in the wound. I had a very open and caring conversation with my db but that was a few weeks after the announcement. I’ve never approached sil about it, I assumed db would have that conversation and she’s been nothing but a wonderful auntie (she went on to become pregnant 18 months later). I had my own struggles with a high risk pregnancy and sickness that saw me hospitalised. While I’m sure they were sad, I was allowed to feel happy. Thankfully they were excited for me and never made me feel guilty.

You're not overreacting at all. I went through similar last year. When my first FET failed, a colleague at work got pregnant. When my third FET was cancelled due to my body not working with the hormones as it was supposed to, my manager told me they were organising a maternity leave gift pot for said colleague. To top it off, when my next attempt at doing our third FET came around, my manager tried to get me to rearrange the date due to understaffing. So they organise a maternity leave gift pot for a colleague and then try to stifle my already very slim chances when the time is right for us. I went in the end, after threatening to invoice my boss for the cancellation fee and medication costs. They had their tail between their legs after that, but the hurt and misery was something else. Some people are just utterly, utterly thoughtless.

Agree with all of this. Your SIL did the right thing I think. I hope it works out for you soon though i understand the situation is hard.

SIL announced her own pregnancy on our family group chat.

I think that was the best way to announce it frankly. You had to know at some point, she did not put you on the spot, let you deal with the news and your emotions privately. What else could she have done?

she didn’t speak to us beforehand privately to give us the heads up that would have been a terrible idea. It's not like she announced it in the middle of a family diner.

MIL said how ecstatic she was that one of her children was FINALLY making her a grandmother
that was insensitive and completely unnecessary, she's an idiot who didn't think but at least now you are warned

I agree with this, given your own situation I can totally understand why you are upset however this is your SIL special news and I don’t think in general she was unreasonable to share it with her family in a group chat. She may have felt or been told that this was the best way to deliver the news rather than approach you guys separately or tell everybody in person. Everybody is different and some people would prefer a message in a group chat rather than being singled out and approached separately.

MIL comment was very poorly thought through and if I was being generous I’d say maybe she was just really excited and didn’t think but DH could speak to her.

I am sorry that you are struggling OP.

I think it can be hard to know what to do. I would really dislike the thought that people would be thinking they would have to be careful what they said and did around me. I'd much, much rather they carry on as normal. I would have wanted the SIL to post on the group WhatsApp rather than talk to me first. I wouldn't see that talking to you first would change anything. It's not going to make you less upset.
The MIL comment is certainly thoughtless though. Did she say it in your company 🫤

Sorry to hear about your loss 🌺

You know them better so there may be form for SIL to be like this but I could attribute the way that she went about it to good intentions. If she had messaged you separately or announced to the family in person then it could have put more pressure on you to respond. I'm not saying it's ok but she could have been acting in good faith.

Your MIL's comments were awful though- completely unpleasant and I can't see a different way to interpret them. I think focus on that one with DH.