Page 4 | Mum friend too much

Labmum321 · 2024-07-09T11:42:00+00:00

I made a mum friend on maternity leave a few years ago. I’m weeks away from having my second. In the last ten months I went from part time to full time at work and I no longer have much free time to see this other mum. I work compressed hours over 4 days. This only leaves me with a few hours on a night to make tea and spend time with my little one. On my one weekday off I like to spend the quality time with my child and not be distracted with play dates as they’re at nursery the rest of the week. She calls me and doesn’t get off the phone for at least an hour and it’s usually just talking about other people she knows in life that I don’t know or care to hear about. I never answer to her when I’m with LO. She’d ring whilst I’m at work and I’ve made the mistake of answering a few times, then I fall behind at work! The more I try and distance myself the more she messages and calls. I’m really trying to pull away from this relationship as it’s causing me stress, I don’t have the time I used to and I’m trying to prepare for my second. If I don’t reply to her text she will Facebook message, Snapchat, WhatsApp, and/or call many times and then send voice notes saying it was an accident. Then she’ll send really long voice notes that vary between 5-20 minutes long! She messages every time she goes to the shops (sometimes daily) to ask if I need anything getting and dropping off even though I’ve told her each time, no thanks I have a car and two legs, if I need anything I will go and get it myself. I’m not on my own and I’m not struggling and after telling her no thanks again and again it really wears thin. I don’t want to block her, she’s a lovely person or was before this, but obviously lonely as her husband works late most days but it’s just too much for me. I go on maternity leave in a few weeks and she works term time only and thinks we’ll be meeting up all the time! (We won’t.) I used to really enjoy her company but this is too much now and it’s really put me off wanting to be her friend. She has turned up at my house a few times after I’ve said I’m busy to ‘drop things off’ (that I haven’t asked for or needed) but ends up keeping me on the doorstep for ages. She messages at least 2-3 times a day on different apps and I very rarely reply. What would you do? A few months ago I’d had enough after receiving a really long voice note where she’s almost in tears saying if I don’t want to be friends anymore then that’s fine as I’d stop replying to her constantly. I sent her a message saying sorry, I have a lot on and just don’t have the time right now to invest in this friendship. After that I received a 10 minute long voice note saying she understands in one breath then the next 9 and a half minutes was trying to have a catch up. I’ve stopped listening to the voice notes now too as they take up too much time. I really don’t know what else to do. Am I being unreasonable here to want to cut her off or is this really odd behaviour? Has anyone else experienced similar and if so how did you handle it?

eish · 13/07/2024 12:18

This would stress me out

maudelovesharold · 13/07/2024 12:13

EnjoythemoneyJane · 13/07/2024 11:55

Had this twice, at different times, and unfortunately had to sack off both those friendships - one I still feel terrible about because she was a genuinely good person, but the clinginess and neediness and drain on my time was frankly exhausting and I just didn’t have the hours in the day or the emotional bandwidth to deal with it on top of all the other shit I had going on.

Both these women were insecure and had a neurotic need for constant contact - chats, texts, meet ups, plans. They both started wanting to do family stuff on weekends - inviting us over constantly and looking like kicked puppies if we declined.

They were both nice people, but with a total inability to relax or read the room. Friendship should not feel like hard work; it shouldn’t feel like an obligation. You shouldn’t dread a mate ‘doorstopping’ you, or have to prep excuses in advance when you just want a quiet weekend at home.

Unfortunately it’s a type of cognitive dissonance - they see their behaviour as giving and generous, when it’s actually self-serving. They need the constant communication; they need the reassurance and positive feedback; they push the responsibility for their happiness and self esteem onto other people. It’s borderline vampiric and for the recipient it’s smothering and bloody exhausting.

I ended up gradually ghosting both my needy friends. Not proud but it was necessary. One of them turned up on our doorstep when I’d just got home from hospital with newborn DD in a right state after a horrible CS (hadn’t even seen my mum or my sister yet). She had to be physically prevented from coming up the stairs. The other, uninvited, booked a holiday in the same place as us at the same time - DH was fuming & refused to meet up with them. After those two incidents I realised I just needed to make it stop.

It’s a pity they couldn’t have been introduced to each other!

Disturbia81 · 13/07/2024 11:58

EnjoythemoneyJane · 13/07/2024 11:55

Had this twice, at different times, and unfortunately had to sack off both those friendships - one I still feel terrible about because she was a genuinely good person, but the clinginess and neediness and drain on my time was frankly exhausting and I just didn’t have the hours in the day or the emotional bandwidth to deal with it on top of all the other shit I had going on.

Both these women were insecure and had a neurotic need for constant contact - chats, texts, meet ups, plans. They both started wanting to do family stuff on weekends - inviting us over constantly and looking like kicked puppies if we declined.

They were both nice people, but with a total inability to relax or read the room. Friendship should not feel like hard work; it shouldn’t feel like an obligation. You shouldn’t dread a mate ‘doorstopping’ you, or have to prep excuses in advance when you just want a quiet weekend at home.

Unfortunately it’s a type of cognitive dissonance - they see their behaviour as giving and generous, when it’s actually self-serving. They need the constant communication; they need the reassurance and positive feedback; they push the responsibility for their happiness and self esteem onto other people. It’s borderline vampiric and for the recipient it’s smothering and bloody exhausting.

I ended up gradually ghosting both my needy friends. Not proud but it was necessary. One of them turned up on our doorstep when I’d just got home from hospital with newborn DD in a right state after a horrible CS (hadn’t even seen my mum or my sister yet). She had to be physically prevented from coming up the stairs. The other, uninvited, booked a holiday in the same place as us at the same time - DH was fuming & refused to meet up with them. After those two incidents I realised I just needed to make it stop.

This is such a good post that captures it.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 13/07/2024 11:55

Had this twice, at different times, and unfortunately had to sack off both those friendships - one I still feel terrible about because she was a genuinely good person, but the clinginess and neediness and drain on my time was frankly exhausting and I just didn’t have the hours in the day or the emotional bandwidth to deal with it on top of all the other shit I had going on.

Both these women were insecure and had a neurotic need for constant contact - chats, texts, meet ups, plans. They both started wanting to do family stuff on weekends - inviting us over constantly and looking like kicked puppies if we declined.

They were both nice people, but with a total inability to relax or read the room. Friendship should not feel like hard work; it shouldn’t feel like an obligation. You shouldn’t dread a mate ‘doorstopping’ you, or have to prep excuses in advance when you just want a quiet weekend at home.

Unfortunately it’s a type of cognitive dissonance - they see their behaviour as giving and generous, when it’s actually self-serving. They need the constant communication; they need the reassurance and positive feedback; they push the responsibility for their happiness and self esteem onto other people. It’s borderline vampiric and for the recipient it’s smothering and bloody exhausting.

I ended up gradually ghosting both my needy friends. Not proud but it was necessary. One of them turned up on our doorstep when I’d just got home from hospital with newborn DD in a right state after a horrible CS (hadn’t even seen my mum or my sister yet). She had to be physically prevented from coming up the stairs. The other, uninvited, booked a holiday in the same place as us at the same time - DH was fuming & refused to meet up with them. After those two incidents I realised I just needed to make it stop.

AffIt · 13/07/2024 11:53

20 minutes? That's not a voice note, that's a podcast...

greenpolarbear · 13/07/2024 11:47

Can you pretend you want to go to some group classes for something and take her along and subtly encourage her/set her up to make more friends?

Tiredmumof6 · 13/07/2024 11:35

I’m in the minority here, but you’ve not put in any boundaries so how is she to know you’ve had enough ?
once baby is here, she’s the sort that would find a garage at midnight selling breast pads ? She’s overbearing , I get that,but give her a chance ? Put some boundaries in, if she dosent respect that, then cut ties

Nanny0gg · 13/07/2024 11:20

Labmum321 · 10/07/2024 09:17

I will try and construct another well worded message, thanks. I do feel rude as I post pictures of what my daughter is doing on my story but I have a large family and it’s the easiest way to share with them what we’re up to. But it doesn’t mean I’m open to start conversations.

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Mute her?

NotQuiteUsual · 13/07/2024 11:18

I have a friend like this and it's absolutely awful. It only got better when she found someone else to bother. I'm loving the peace now.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 13/07/2024 11:12

Block her on anything that she can leave voice notes on as a starting point

Disturbia81 · 13/07/2024 11:11

She sounds obsessive, and can't take hints. Lack of social awareness and peoples lives. I feel suffocated just reading this. Time to get blunt OP.

Lovemyones · 13/07/2024 11:08

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/07/2024 10:35

But she’s not arsed about the OP’s needs it seems - she’s just driven by her own. That’s the problem, she’s not tuned in to the OP at all.

Op hasn't been clear from what she's said though. Have a proper word and schedule time to respond. She hasn't got time to see or speak to her friend, yet says that it's ''weird'' someone is offering to go get her stuff from the shop. She doesn't value the friendship and picks and chooses what she has time to do so the friend thinks that she's helping out, but then gets called strange. Remember theres only one side to the story here. Cut the friend loose and let her find someone that is going to value having her as a friend as she sounds helpful and kind tbf

ActualChips · 13/07/2024 11:03

Gymmum82 · 13/07/2024 10:48

You sound a bit mean tbh. She’s clearly lonely and thought you were her friend (you’re obviously not) you’re going to be on Mat leave soon with all the time in the world for play dates which you’ll probably need and want but you’d rather cut this person off who sounds like she’d actually be there for you.
I think you should be honest with her that you don’t value her as a friend and let her make friends with someone who actually gives a shit about her

The level of harassment OP detailed is the mean bit. 20 minute long voice notes, pestering and demanding attention over multiple apps is mean. If this woman wants anyone to 'give a shit' about her, she can easily conduct herself in the manner of a normal human being. No one owes her anything.

GingerPirate · 13/07/2024 11:03

Yes, very blunt.
And the previous posters are very polite.
Put yourself and your kids first, nobody else is gonna do that for you.

3luckystars · 13/07/2024 10:56

I agree. If she has no other friends, there is a good reasons for that. Enjoy your life and do whatever you need to get your peace back.

Iseeyoupekingduck · 13/07/2024 10:54

This is about your friend and not you, you need to cut her off just be blunt.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 13/07/2024 10:49

Venice241 · 10/07/2024 09:40

Unfortunately you will have to be very blunt.
She is completely focused on HER needs being met.

Tell her that you are simply too busy for the friendship she wants and simply do not have the time or the energy with a second baby coming.

Tell her you wish her well but you would like to leave things as your priority is your family.

Do not engage further.
This level of contact is batshit.
It is all about her needs being met, filling her time.
You could be anyone.

Your last sentence is spot on. It's about her needs, she's not thinking of you, and you could be anyone. 100%.

Gymmum82 · 13/07/2024 10:48

You sound a bit mean tbh. She’s clearly lonely and thought you were her friend (you’re obviously not) you’re going to be on Mat leave soon with all the time in the world for play dates which you’ll probably need and want but you’d rather cut this person off who sounds like she’d actually be there for you.
I think you should be honest with her that you don’t value her as a friend and let her make friends with someone who actually gives a shit about her

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 13/07/2024 10:47

I had a friend like this. It stressed me out constantly and honestly I regret the early years when my children were young and I kept meeting up with her instead of doing what I wanted to do. Eventually I told her I'd let her know when/if I was ready to meet up but basically leave me alone. She was relentless. Years later my only regret is not cutting her off sooner. It sounds mean but it's not my fault she didn't have any other friends aside from me.

3luckystars · 13/07/2024 10:44

I would just text ‘not sleeping great, I’m tired and very busy so taking a breather, I need a bit of quiet time, I hope you understand.’
Then just ignore absolutely everything from now until Christmas. Good luck.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/07/2024 10:36

Did you send a message in the end @Labmum321 ?

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/07/2024 10:35

But she’s not arsed about the OP’s needs it seems - she’s just driven by her own. That’s the problem, she’s not tuned in to the OP at all.

Lovemyones · 13/07/2024 10:34

Going against the grain here but some people would love a friend that's actually arsed. Let's hope you don't one day need someone that you have pushed away!

beanii · 13/07/2024 10:32

I'd send her a message saying something a long the lines of 'it's been lovely spending time with you in the past, however I'm super busy with work and family so I'm going to take a breather for a while - please don't just turn up at my house as I don't want it to be awkward. Take care' and then not respond to anything. I wouldn't block her just so you can keep an eye if she's going to randomly turn up.

ActualChips · 13/07/2024 09:35

If you feel you can't block her hide your active status on all platforms, put her on restricted, hide your stories from her.

Harassment is not friendship.