Husband doesn't want to see my mum

"Good people" can still be insufferable to be around. Your husband has been dealing with this for years. He has clearly reached his limit.

If you don't live too far from each other can your husband just drop you off there, drive home and then pick you and the kids up after dinner? You can just say he's going to the gym or some other hobby.

But OP there has to be an element of toxicity if their own son cannot be around them and now your husband feels he’s just dreading a weekly dinner and can’t manage it anymore. It’s probably in your nature to put up with the bickering and rudeness because it’s all you know, but it’s obviously impacting your husband. It’s exhausting and stressful to be around people like that, I bet he spends the week dreading it and that’s no way to live.

You need to come up with some sort of compromise, he goes home and collects you later or you all go home together.

How about making it about your husband and kids getting older and needing to do more homework of a night and to get to bed earlier. (your husband).

Just stay one night per week for the meal.
Pick up and go straight away for the other night.

Try that for a while.

As your kids get hobbies after school your husband might have to drive straight away to take them there too.

It is difficult.
Look into viable alternatives for after school care for one other night per week as the kids grow.

Is the fact that you are getting free childcare from them stopping you from pulling them up on their behaviour? Would you feel differently if you were not needing them for the childcare? I would have to say something and make them aware of how their behaviour is affecting others. It's not fair on your husband to have to sit through that and he probably feels he can't say anything to them as they are not his family.

Your mother's own son can no longer cope why shouid your husband? Unlike you he's not comfortable enough to bark back.

Surely there some sort of option of you dropping him at home and going back for dinner with your parents? How far apart do you live? Or he can drop you and pick you all up later.

With respect that's none of your business. There is clearly a reason your brother and husband both feel the same way and it's not for you to take issue with. People are perfectly entitled to choose not to be around toxic parents. The real problem here is you just can see how toxic they are and your brother and husband can. People have even told you they wouldn't expose their own children to this. Good on your brother. I just hope you will respect your husband's view and not railroad him into what you think he should do.

I feel like I do have blinkers on as it's 'my' family but I have also seen many friends lose their parents and they would take any imperfections just to have them back.

Come on now, don't use the tired "they'll be dead someday" card to excuse their behaviour. The only adult in this scenario who wants to deal with their nonsense is you. That alone should tell you something.

Would you be able to break the habit of staying to eat every time? Tell them in advance that you need to get home that night to look at a blocked drain/paint the Sistine Chapel/have wild sex or whatever! Mind you, I do think there's a fine line between being happy for relatives to suck up your childcare but then not want to spend time with them so perhaps he could come up with an alternative as he's the one not coping? Good luck.

I'm genuinely surprised that you're happy for your two-year-old to be exposed to this one day a week when your own brother and husband don't want to be.

Their own son doesn't want to see them. It doesn't matter that you have an issue with that - consider how big a decision that must have been for him.

Honestly, I'd find alternative childcare - you run the big risk of your son adopted some of her traits as he's so exposed to them; and they are showing him that this is what a marriage is like - and then plan how often you see your parents separately. That could be monthly all together, for a set time, or perhaps just you go, so your husband and son don't have to be exposed.

Loving his grandparents isn't relevant, really, kids bond with people they're in constant contact with. They don't have the capacity to calculate whether those people are good influences or safe for them. That's your responsibility.

And I would bluntly tell them why we were spending less time with them as well.

"DH can't stand to be in the same room as your nitpicking and bickering."

Does it not make you think that 3 out of the 4 adults close to them don’t want to spend time with them due to their behaviour? Does that not make you consider that perhaps it is an issue?
You seem to be the only one who has no problem with it.

Never underestimate how bloody stressful it is for other people to watch and listen to other people "nitpicking and bickering" if you have got used to it yourself. My exILs were like that and I absolutely hated spending any time with them. It was a toxic atmosphere. I wouldn't want my kids in it either.

Well, he’s voting with his feet, like your husband. Your mother’s nit-picking and both your parents’ bickering are clearly very tiresome to be around. I’d prefer to pay money to a childminder than ‘pay’ with my sanity by sitting through this kind of performance on a regular basis.

Compromise on frequency then.

Even without the bickering, I would just want to go home after a day at work. You love your mum but your DH can't relax there. Cut him some slack.

Well your husband doesn't so you need to compromise. Your own brother is sick of it too.

Is it logistically possible to travel separately that day? Could your husband get the bus home from somewhere. You might enjoy dinner more if your husband wasn't there and you were stressing about him hating it.

I would never try and force or manipulate another adult into spending time with someone when they don’t want to, it’s not my place. You’ll have to work out a way around it- maybe he drops you at your parents’ and collects you later? Or leaves the car with you and gets the bus home that day?

Yeah, this. It's no good for your kids to be around fighting people.