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Original poster

Husband doesn't want to see my mum

164 replies

Mixitupx · 09/07/2024 09:03

I have been married to my husband for 10 years, together for approx 17.
His parents are no longer around so we spend a lot of time with my family.
I have 2 DS and my mum has been looking after them 1 day a week for the past 8 years. She also has them in the school holidays as well as being the main babysitter if we ever want a night out or mini break which can be up to 4 x a year.
I am incredibly grateful for what she does for us. P.S my dad is also around but it's mainly mum who provides the support, haha!
My mum can be quite nit picky and often has some sort of opinion to offer. This has resulted in my brother and his family opting to see her less but I tend to just answer back.
My mum and dad also bicker and often complain about each other which can be annoying.
On the days my parents have the kids we will collect them after work and stay for dinner. My husband says he no longer wants to do this as he is sick of the nit picking and also the bickering. He would prefer to pick them up and come straight home. I feel this is quite rude, especially as she has looked after the kids all day and picked 1 up from school.
So the question is - Am I being unreasonable to ask my Husband to suck it up for 2 hours a week (and a cooked meal) to stay at my parents when we collect the kids?

OP posts:
Cotonsugar · 09/07/2024 10:07

Mixitupx · 09/07/2024 09:19

Yes they love their Grandparents as do I

Yes they do but it’s still harmful to listen to arguing and nitpicking. Children absorb all of this.

Hummingbird75 · 09/07/2024 10:04

In my experience nitpicking and bickering are short hand for overly critical, controlling and arguing. I would not want my toddlers exposed to this on a weekly basis.

You have normalised their behaviour to such an extent you think there is nothing wrong with it, but it is extremely unhealthy.

You weirdly do not seem to have able to have a neutral honest good look at them without becoming overly defensive. Good caregivers do not provide an environment like this for children. You may not like the truth, but that is how most of the thread see it. I sense a touch of distortion/denial and even FOG around your posts.

HesterRoon · 09/07/2024 10:03

I’m with your husband-if people can’t be civil to each other in front of others, they need to accept people don’t want to be around them. And bickering and moaning about other people would really put me off. I’m surprised he’s bitten his tongue. I think your husband has put up with a lot actually. Could you drop him off after work and go alone to have dinner with them? And have a word with your parents-or are you prepared for your kids to put up with that shit because you don’t want to confront your parents?

Subfusc · 09/07/2024 10:01

Allfur · 09/07/2024 09:55

I think such intolerance of extended family is quite mean, especially if one is benefitting in some way. It's much better to get on with your spouse's family if at all poss - no-one is perfect.

Absolutely it is, but that goes both ways, and relies on people not making others not want to spend time with them because of tiresome behaviour. I don’t feel blood relatives get some kind of free pass.

hopscotcher · 09/07/2024 09:59

I don't think you're unreasonable to want him to stay, but he has a right to say he doesn't want to. Some families communicate by bickering and it's actually pretty harmless, but it isn't always comfortable for outsiders to be around. Hope you can find some sort of compromise.

DahliaSmith · 09/07/2024 09:58

Their behaviour in nit picking and bickering is bothering other family members to the point that they are staying away. Why wouldn't this feeling extend to your DH? Your DC?

Tell your OH that you'll talk to them and then do so. Be honest, say that you've noticed an amount of bickering and nit picking creeping in over the past while, you're not the only one who is struggling with it and you wanted to let them know as you don't want it to affect family relations. Say they don't seem happy, is there anything you can help with?

Give your OH the choice to give them the swerve, get a train, whatever, you can't hold it all in place, you're all adults with free will. I'd be more concerned about the atmposphere for the DC when there's nobody else around and they're in full bickering flow to be honest.

Katiesaidthat · 09/07/2024 09:57

Allfur · 09/07/2024 09:55

I think such intolerance of extended family is quite mean, especially if one is benefitting in some way. It's much better to get on with your spouse's family if at all poss - no-one is perfect.

He has been tolerating it for YEARS. Everyone has their limit, everyone.
Teamhusband on this one.
The problems you are having OP with reading and homework is a golden excuse to dial down the dinners without much pain.

Allfur · 09/07/2024 09:55

I think such intolerance of extended family is quite mean, especially if one is benefitting in some way. It's much better to get on with your spouse's family if at all poss - no-one is perfect.

pollypocketss · 09/07/2024 09:54

Mixitupx · 09/07/2024 09:52

I have had words before but it doesnt really help tbh. They are stuck in a rut :(

Show quote history

Do they know why your brother doesn't see them as often? Does it not bother them?

GingerPirate · 09/07/2024 09:53

Not surprised.
I don't wanna see my own mother.
😂

SonicTheHodgeheg · 09/07/2024 09:53

Do you think that you don’t want to bring it up because you don’t want to be the person who she criticises and bickers with?

What pp said about homework and other jobs to do before bedtime is a good excuse.

Original poster
Mixitupx · 09/07/2024 09:52

pollypocketss · 09/07/2024 09:50

Could you have a word with your mum? My parents bicker a lot, we don't see them as often because of distance but I have asked them to 'be on their best behavior' when I visit with the kids and my husband as I wouldn't want my DH to judge their banter negatively.

I know it's harder for you to implement the above as you see them very often but I think you could just mention that DH is finding some of this uncomfortable and you wouldn't want a change of routine because of this.

I have had words before but it doesnt really help tbh. They are stuck in a rut :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixitupx · 09/07/2024 09:51

SonicTheHodgeheg · 09/07/2024 09:46

They don’t sound like excellent caregivers. Even if your mum is only annoying when other adults are around and never in earshot of the kids (which I don’t believe) , I think that you overlook her behaviour because of the frequent childcare and babysitting. Your brother avoiding her says a lot about her behaviour and I think that you should examine why you consider it acceptable because to an outsider it looks like money is the reason why.
i wouldn’t ask my kids or husband to tolerate that kind of shit, even if it’s not directed at them.

I beg to differ, money has nothing to do with it and I think that's quite disrespectful tbh.
They are excellent caregivers and they love their grandchildren.

OP posts:
pollypocketss · 09/07/2024 09:50

Could you have a word with your mum? My parents bicker a lot, we don't see them as often because of distance but I have asked them to 'be on their best behavior' when I visit with the kids and my husband as I wouldn't want my DH to judge their banter negatively.

I know it's harder for you to implement the above as you see them very often but I think you could just mention that DH is finding some of this uncomfortable and you wouldn't want a change of routine because of this.

Halfheadhighlights · 09/07/2024 09:50

Your Mum sounds like a nightmare. I wouldn’t want to stay either

#teamhusband

Subfusc · 09/07/2024 09:49

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2024 09:45

They are both retired and I know that seeing me and my family really makes them happy.

Then they shouldn't be acting in ways which drives people away. You should tell them this.

Edited

Yes. I mean, it’s important information. And I assume that your parents would prefer to see more of your brother, OP. Wouldn’t you like to know if something in your behaviour made people you love reluctant to see you?

Original poster
Mixitupx · 09/07/2024 09:48

user1492757084 · 09/07/2024 09:38

How about making it about your husband and kids getting older and needing to do more homework of a night and to get to bed earlier. (your husband).

Just stay one night per week for the meal.
Pick up and go straight away for the other night.

Try that for a while.

As your kids get hobbies after school your husband might have to drive straight away to take them there too.

It is difficult.
Look into viable alternatives for after school care for one other night per week as the kids grow.

We are only there one night a week but I think we perhaps need to try staying once a month.
We are struggling with homework and as the kids get older this is ramping up so will hopefully prevent any difficult conversations.

OP posts:
Wexone · 09/07/2024 09:47

My own mother sounds like yours constantly nit picking etc- she is only tolerable in small doses. i don't even endure a dinner once a month with her let alone what you do once a week, really feel for your husband. You really need to take a step back and look at your parents, do you want your children's to grow up listening to a toxic environment. AND YES THAT IS WHAT IT IS. The atmosphere in my parenst house is horrible. Pay for childcare,

Subfusc · 09/07/2024 09:46

Mixitupx · 09/07/2024 09:28

Thank you for all your comments so far. I feel like I do have blinkers on as it's 'my' family but I have also seen many friends lose their parents and they would take any imperfections just to have them back.
We have been doing the same routine for many many years and I guess I am just worried that it will cause friction if we suddenly say we don't want to stay.
I am just unsure how to approach the situation without hurting anyone.

‘Mum, I love you and I’m grateful for all your help, but do you realise how tiring and boring it can be listening to you nit-pick and bicker with Dad? It makes me not want to see you.’

SonicTheHodgeheg · 09/07/2024 09:46

They don’t sound like excellent caregivers. Even if your mum is only annoying when other adults are around and never in earshot of the kids (which I don’t believe) , I think that you overlook her behaviour because of the frequent childcare and babysitting. Your brother avoiding her says a lot about her behaviour and I think that you should examine why you consider it acceptable because to an outsider it looks like money is the reason why.
i wouldn’t ask my kids or husband to tolerate that kind of shit, even if it’s not directed at them.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2024 09:45

They are both retired and I know that seeing me and my family really makes them happy.

Then they shouldn't be acting in ways which drives people away. You should tell them this.

Original poster
Mixitupx · 09/07/2024 09:45

loropianalover · 09/07/2024 09:42

But OP there has to be an element of toxicity if their own son cannot be around them and now your husband feels he’s just dreading a weekly dinner and can’t manage it anymore. It’s probably in your nature to put up with the bickering and rudeness because it’s all you know, but it’s obviously impacting your husband. It’s exhausting and stressful to be around people like that, I bet he spends the week dreading it and that’s no way to live.

You need to come up with some sort of compromise, he goes home and collects you later or you all go home together.

Show quote history

I agree we obviously need to come up with a compromise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mixitupx · 09/07/2024 09:44

Lou670 · 09/07/2024 09:37

Is the fact that you are getting free childcare from them stopping you from pulling them up on their behaviour? Would you feel differently if you were not needing them for the childcare? I would have to say something and make them aware of how their behaviour is affecting others. It's not fair on your husband to have to sit through that and he probably feels he can't say anything to them as they are not his family.

I think it's more the fact they are my parents rather than the free childcare.
I love them and they have done an awful lot for me and many other for a number of years. They are both retired and I know that seeing me and my family really makes them happy.

OP posts:
Wexone · 09/07/2024 09:43

Mixitupx · 09/07/2024 09:21

I have an issue with my brother not spending time with them too but I don't see him everyday.

Nothing to do with you - You cant control your brother so let him live his life

ShortColdandGrey · 09/07/2024 09:43

Can your husband start going to 'the gym'(home) on that night?