Husband doesn't want to see my mum

I think the bickering etc is pretty irrelevant.
My dad and my husband got on fine but they didn't want to hang out together. I took the kids down to see him while husband went about his own life.

I think your husband might just need to get a mysterious "hobby" that he does that evening when you stop for dinner.
Might be gym
Might be cycling
Might be conversational Albanian.

But he goes to do that and you stay with your parents and have the meal that you want with the dynamic that feels to you like home.

Yabu. I wouldn't want to have dinner with my inlaws every single week either!

Emiliania · Today 10:38
So glad all these people responding have perfect families with perfect relationships.

I think hindsight and perspective influences a lot of these replies... OP freely admits her DParents 'are stuck in a rut'. To my mind, that's where one of the key issues is coming from and hence why the OP is struggling. She can't fix her parents' relationship, even though she has had words. Her DB also has recognised this as an issue and taken a different response.

Sounds like a version of FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt on your part. You don't want to stop doing it, even though it is causing active harm to what should now be your primary relationship, i.e. the one with your husband, because of loyalty to your parents, despite the fact that their behaviour sounds awful.

Your H has put up with them for a long time, he has had enough and is telling you that. Listen carefully. This kind of dynamic, where men feel railroaded into doing as their wife wishes for years, not wanting to speak up, then finally do, but their wife doesn't want to hear it because it doesn't suit her can be really, really damaging.

You keep saying 'only' one night a week, as if it is infrequent. I would HATE to have a meal with either my family or my husband's that often. Especially if the atmosphere was uncomfortable with bickering and point scoring.

This. You find it annoying and you’re their daughter Your DH, as a non-blood relative will obviously find it unbearable. As in every fibre of his being will be screaming argh let me get the f out of here.
If you’re happy with being direct with them, tell them you’re sick of hearing them bickering.

Unfortunately this is one where familiarity has bred contempt. It sounds like your DH has tried but spending as much time as weekly meals with your critical mother and bickering parents is just too vexing!

I don’t think it’s ‘toxic’ either. I just think it’s likely to be very tiresome to be around.

Your husband sounds like he has the right idea, tbh. It's not compulsory to all go everywhere together. Why can't he stay at home, while you pick up the kids/have dinner?

Who are they nit picking at? Each other, or you and DH?

I'd go with the homework / reading etc is becoming a lot more so will start staying for tea less, but will still stay once a month or so.

You could also say that you appreciate them picking children up / childcare but will get them straight home so 'they can have their evening back'

You're right OP. This isn't 'toxic behaviour' like everyone is saying. It's very common and normal for couples that have been together for years to bicker sometimes. I'm sure it's not just constant all day every day. It's not going to scar your children.

Nit picking is annoying but hey, no one's perfect!

I can relate a bit as I am very close to my parents, my partner is as well he thinks the world of them, but he wouldn't want to go there for dinner every week.

I think what someone has said about gradually decreasing how often you go could be a good idea. Trying to break the routine somehow.

Is there any after school activities the kids could join on that day?

Some people on this thread are so mean.

I get on very well with my parents and they do childcare for me but at the end of such a day neither me or DH or my parents would want dinner and instead woils
want to come home. So would my kids time to decompress and do homework

discuss with them as the kids are getting older homework will increase and this plan isn’t feasible forever

How about you do cup of tea and chat most weeks and once a month or so stay for dinner.

Lots of people love people, it doesn't mean they're good.

I'd say a key part of being an excellent caregiver is caring about the person you're looking after, and creating a good atmosphere. They aren't doing that, for your husband or your son.

What exactly makes them excellent caregivers?

I think you've got a lot of rose-tinted glasses on, which is very normal for some people. It takes a lot to "unsee" your parents as perfect, and be able to acknowledge bad behaviour and how that impacts on your life. And in your case, there will likely be some mental gymnastics involved because you've left your son there every week for X amount of time... it'll be difficult to acknowledge that might not have been the best decision, and might not be now, either.

Add in any hurt that you think they'll feel, and essentially being the "last one standing" if your brother and husband have opted out... I can see why it's tough.

But I also think you need to pull your head out of the sand for everyone's sake.

So can your DP drop you there and pick you up later (he can be busy every week to avoid him having to stay for tea) .
I regularly see/call my mum. DP only a couple times a month.

So glad all these people responding have perfect families with perfect relationships.

It sounds like your mum helps out a lot and your son seems to enjoy spending time with your parents. I’ll make the assumption the ‘bickering’ is relatively good natured, and therefore the panic about your son being traumatised and becoming an abuser as a consequence is overblown.

I had similar with my ex - he was happy with my parents to provide childcare half the week when we were at work (had same issue with shared community) but practically threw them out of the house when he got home because they are just normal working class people and so annoyed him.

In reality DS is young and in a few years there will be after school clubs and childcare won’t be needed, or there’ll be sports clubs to go to etc and frequency of dinners will likely go down anyway.

In the meantime suggest to your H if he isn’t happy, he can arrange and pay for alternative childcare through the week and to allow you to have breaks away, and you will take DS to visit your parents alone so he can enjoy and maintain his relationship with them (during which time DH can get on with the cleaning or gardening or whatever, not sit on his arse with his feet up).

After 17 years together once quarterly with PIL would be standard if not excessive.

OP, I think it's entirely possible you are 'bicker blind' and used to your parents so block it out.

This.

My parents are like OP’s as is DH’s parents. It wasn’t until I told him why I don’t like being around my parents too often is when he realised his parents do the same thing. I don’t want to be around my own parents when they do it so leave DH to it when his own parents get started especially when they begin to moan about other family members like his sister and her husband. That’s the time I’m doing the bedtime routine with our kids.

I moved 4,000 miles away from mine so I only have to put up with it with my own parents once a year when they visit us and we live 5 hours from DH’s parents. I don’t want my children thinking such things are normal.

I get on with my PIL fine and I still wouldn’t want to have dinner with them one evening every week. YABU.

I agree that the compromise would be to stay once every two or three weeks rather than every week.

This. Every second week to once a month sounds much more reasonable and is still quite a lot when one considers the nitpicking and bickering.

I would not want to spend one evening week with nitpicking, bickering in-laws. Considering that you answer back to your mother (which is good in theory but in practice probably not a particularly pleasant dynamic either) probably means that he spends the evening with his wife and MIL bickering, MIL and FIL bickering with each other and the nitpicking. That sounds toxic and draining!!

So sorry, you're clearly stuck in a hard place here. Unfortunately I do think you need to compromise for your husbands sake. Continuing as is could make it worse for your husband and create even more tension that spills out. Certainly as the kids get older a firm bedtime routine the night before school will be key, and time to fit in the school reading etc and getting uniforms and bags ready for the next day, they may also start clubs/swimming lessons etc. Even if it’s a slight exaggeration of the truth, I think that’s what you need to say to your parents to help your husband out. Personally as well, after a long day at work, I would just want to get home and not have to be somewhere I cant relax. If you think your parents would accept also that the “days are long and you’re both tired and need to get home” added explanation. I don’t think you need to act immediately, give yourself a few days to work out the best way to approach it. Good luck.

I think a compromise solution is a good idea here.

Your husband has been doing this and putting up with it for a long time.

Your parents want to see their grandchildren and also you.

But it really doesn't have to be a meal a week.

In your shoes I'd start making noises about reading and homework, and then when the ground is prepared by that, say to your parents that the weekly meal isn't really working any more, but offer alternatives - eg you and the kids going round on a Saturday lunchtime?

Try to find a solution that means your husband has to see them less but they still see you and the kids.

How old are your children? It does sound like a hostile environment if you are answering your mother back, she’s nit picking and your mum and dad are constantly bickering. I wouldn’t want to be around that!

If it’s a case of you wanting to see your parents rather than the free childcare I suggest you visit them on a weekend and you and your husband pay for after school care.

you can’t control who your husband sees or doesn’t see, respect his boundaries

I'm with your husband. My IL were like this. It was uncomfortable to have to listen to it. Fortunately after they did something entirely unforgivable, we no longer speak. Bliss.

OP, I think it's entirely possible you are 'bicker blind' and used to your parents so block it out.
Absolutely change the routine and the dependency now that school is about to break for the holidays.
I suggest you are offering up your children as 'entertainment and purpose' for your parents. Your kids, being there so frequently, probably means your parents aren't doing retirement things together. Are you kids the 'glue' that is keeping your parents broadly on the same page?
Truly, you should want your parents to have a retirement that does not put your DH and kids bang in the middle of the firing line.
Believe me, your DM will get more and more difficult in decades to come once she starts aging and loses her filter.