Husband doesn't want to see my mum

There's no way I'd be staying for 2 hours at my mother in laws after a long day at work. She can have flowers on mothers day and suck it up.

Has anyone ever told your parents how their behaviour affects everyone else. Its obviously not a problem for you or your children because they are so used to it. Of course they may be too old to change but if no one has told them what it feels like to hear them they wouldn't know.

Or drop him home and then go to your parents. You have decided the answer is he has to go which is why you aren't seeing there are other solutions. If you need to be joined at the hip none of you should go.

When you say they're opinionated, are you being polite? Is it just petty bickering or is there an element of old people being offensive?

I cut back contact with my parents massively around 2016 when it got to the point that they couldn't hold back expressing their politics about absolutely anything and everything, couldn't accept an opposing point of view, and were too blinkered to see the effect it had on my partner.

I'm with your husband and your brother on this. Sometimes that shit just ain't worth the time. If you asked him about paying for childcare that day rather than using your mother, would you be surprised or angered if he agreed that would be better than the current arrangement?

100% this.

I like my in-laws, but dinner with them every week would be extremely excessive (and I expect I'd stop liking them as much if we did that).

I think after a day's work bickering is a very annoying sound.
I cannot bear it with my teens. They do it happily among themselves like a sport but it grinds my gears.
It's like nails on a blackboard.
Bickering about music or sports teams...basically shite.

So I do get it from your husbands side but they also sound as if they have been a positive force around your children.

For your brother to see a lot less of them, is it THAT bad or an excuse?

I think I would gently say to mum/dad that if they could go easy as he is just out of stressful work and his head is fried.

I would tell him that you will speak to them but he needs to suck it up for the positives and you do not need him stressing you about it.
He could always ask them to dial it down....if he feels brave!

I'd just be honest and tell them that listening to them bicker and complain after a long day at work isn't how you want to spend your downtime. They can then either adjust their behaviour or not, but there's no illusions that it's OK.

I’d sooner eat my own hand, than have forced time with my in-laws once a week, personally

Do both of you need to collect the kids?

I am their child too and I know they want to spend time with me.

They are both retired and I know that seeing me and my family really makes them happy.

Seems a bit odd if that's the case that your DP's spend their time while in your company nit picking and bickering.
There must be so much else to chat about..

Maybe after what may feel like a long day at work plus the commute on top your DH just wants to get home and enjoy the rest of the evening in his own home winding down.

Could you tell them that as the DC get older school work takes up a bit more of the evening and you'll need to get off a bit quicker.

Maybe compensate by offering to meet for a meal/lunch/coffee on a weekend day a few times a month if time allows.

"People come in a package. If you don't like the annoying bits you'll possibly lose the good bits too."

True @letsgoooo

Well I guess it depends on what you want. If you don't spend time with them and they see your dc less you will end up paying for childcare and not having the easy opportunity to take time away with dh.

If you are both happy with this then reduce contact.

People come in a package. If you don't like the annoying bits you'll possibly lose the good bits too

Good luck OP! I think this is just a simple case of working out a compromise, nothing more, nothing less. Clearly a loving family, just like with many of us it’s just a case of managing everyone’s expectations and social limits. Good luck with it all.

YABU...My DM used to pop in to visit us and do nothing but nit pick about family members, done nothing but suck the life out of me...

Is my DH Bu?

Everyone No

OP. I'm closing this thread

Drive with your husband but drop him off at a public transport route just before getting to your parents. He gets to go home alone. You get to spend time with your loved ones. The price he pays for public transport is offset against money saved on childcare by your parents having the children. After all, everything costs in some way.

YABU. Reminds me of my exPILs. Not bad people, just bickered a lot and it was VERY stressful to be around them. When they're your parents, you get used to it and have a level of understanding and ability to ignore the small shit that an outsider doesn't have. For your DH though, this can get unbearable and exhausting.

I wouldn’t want this much involvement with my parents at this stage of life, no. I like seeing them, and they like seeing us and playing with grandchildren, but dinner once a week, looking after the children that frequently and school pick ups, would be too intertwined for me. I think if they spend that much time with the children they kind of earn the right to have some say in how they’re brought up and I, like your Dh, couldn’t live like that.

I am calling a reverse on this one!

OP I think there’s some wishful thinking going on. Your DH does not love your parents very very much. He may be fond of them, but he’s clearly said he doesn’t enjoy sitting through their bickering and would rather not stay for dinner every week. You naturally love being with them and don’t want to give that up.

He isn’t being unreasonable, so you need to work out a way to spend time with your family without him always having to be there.

My mum is over opinionated/nit picky.

She doesn’t keep her opinions to herself. It’s exhausting and doesn’t make for good company. I now go see her midweek in the afternoon when DH is at work, or invite her over when DH is working late. I paint it as I could do with the company. She’s always saying ‘poor DH, he’ll think that I don’t like him as I’m over when he’s away…’

Her low key opinions that she couldn’t stop pushing was slowly grinding him down. Life is exhausting enough without adding people with negative energy.

Could you spend other time with your parents as you actually enjoy their company and compromise with a cuppa picking up the DC?

Could you give an example of the nit picking please @Mixitupx ?

I do think a gradual withdrawal is best.
Your dh is not being unreasonable.

Have a word with your parents, tell them to try and stop when you are around. They will probably do it for a while and then fall back in to the old ways, so rinse and repeat your speech to them. They’re in a pattern that they find hard to stop.

So you force the issue and you set a boundary, if you carry on the kids will not visit, and if they carry on you remove them.

There's being safe with practical things and then being safe emotionally to be around. Suspect it's the former and not the latter you are referring to. You've been groomed/programmed to accept it. Not nice for children to be around. I used to think similar and let my mother look after my child even though her and my dad "bickered" . If I had my time again I'd not do it.