to think that in a functional household....

This has been the funniest thread I've read in a while.

Martyr Mummies getting up at 5am to helicopter and "be present" with their 15yr olds that are raising helpless adult babies vs Lazy Bastards who are neglecting their children and could not give a shit about their DC, basically one step away from social services.

I've just asked 16yr DD if I should have gotten up and "been present" for her in the mornings before school. She pulled a face and said "No, that would have been weird". She managed to do well at school, 100% attendance and did her homework despite my terrible parenting. We're v close and spend a lot of time in the evenings together, I know more about her life than my parents knew about mine. So I think I did the right thing raising them to be independent in the mornings.

I don't understand how you don't get it.

I don't understand the point you are making here.

My dad used to get up at the crack of dawn - he made breakfast for the whole family (6 kids) - and when I say he made breakfast it was like a restaurant - he took orders, and he was quite passionate about breakfast being the most important meal of the day. My Mum was the last one up - she was like a demon possessed in the morning - the further away you were from her the better - she got washed and dressed and into the car to drive to work with as few words as possible. Her staying in bed would have been a blessing.😂 My Dad was no saint - he was a morning person though - but he only had transactional chats. He liked eating and cooking breakfast - neither parent would have won prizes for their behaviour!
DD is like my Mum - a demon in the morning - we stay out of her way, she wouldn't appreciate our presence in the slightest, sometimes I lie in bed waiting for her to leave because I know that coming downstairs will only annoy her.

"The same parents that can't be bothered to get up, are often the same ones that don't care about grades, nutrition, bed times, sleep hygiene, screen time, school attendance, completed homework, support with issues across the board."

My endless meetings with the school SENCo, the fact we have a strict bedtime, no screens allowed in the bedrooms, get her to school on time, every single day, and have regular meetings/conversations with the school calls that an absolute untruth.

I think this depends on the work schedules and health of the adults and the independence level of the children . There are a lot of different ways to be a functioning family.

Ummm, so my list are the 'unimportant' things??
So what IS important then if sleep, homework, nutrition isn't?
Occasionally checking they still have two legs and are still alive?

So judgy

*Hummingbird75
The same parents that can't be bothered to get up, are often the same ones that don't care about grades, nutrition, bed times, sleep hygiene, screen time, school attendance, completed homework, support with issues across the board. Being there as a parent of a teen can be imperative and parenting is still really very much needed.

It is not optional. In my view and indicates a culture of indifference, in my experience. I would not want that for my teens op, so I agree with you.*

I disagree
I let my teens get on with it themselves but I cared about all the important things

How does your daughter feel about it? That's all that matters.

I only had my mum. She never got out of bed in the morning. It did make me sad and feel very alone tbh. But that's not your DD's circumstances and everyone is different.

Two unrelated issues really.

I don’t think most teenagers actively need support to get ready for school and out of the house. Certainly an older teen should be able to manage this.

But I think it’s a bit grim for a teenager to see a working age parent dossing in bed every morning. It’s depressing for the kid and the adult is setting a poor example.

Excellent post

My dm was up and out at work when we got to secondary school so wasn’t able to be there for us every morning. However she woke us before she left and uniforms were ready, bags packed and the breakfast stuff laid out the night before so we had an easy morning.

That being said, it wasn’t what I wanted for my kids. My dm had no choice as she was on her own but that wasn’t the case for us. Dh and I have prioritised being there for the dc in the morning and after school. I chose a job with flexibility as didn’t want them leaving or coming home to an empty house. Dh is usually able to pick up where I can’t and there have only been a small number of occasions where we haven’t been able to make it work. I actually think that kids need you more as they get older, but they won’t ask. Your dh is both letting your dd down and missing out.

I wouldn't look askance at a parent who didn't get up with their teenaged kids if they were at home but I always did with my son. I'd make him a coffee and/or breakfast and have a chat and wave him off as it were.

Maybe it would be different if I had more than one child but I never wanted him to feel lonely and emotionally unsupported when he had to get up at six in the morning and leave at 7.20 to get the bus to school. He's off to uni in September and I'm happy I did.

Im either at work before my teens get up for school so they have to sort themselves out, still at work as im on a night and get home after they left for school so they have to sort themselves out, or, im asleep in the morning when they leave as i need to catch up on all the hours sleep in down from the shifts so they have to sort themselves out.

If that makes me a non-functional shitty parent, so be it.

I don’t think it is essential but I think it is desirable. Any time you spend together is when you get incidental chat which keeps communication open and is when you start to develop a different relationship as they grow up. I would suspect that your dd might view your house as a home and your ex’s as somewhere she stays. It is him that will lose out long term as you will be her go to parent.

When ds1 was at secondary I was having a really tough time with my chronic illness, which necessitated him being independent in the mornings. I know occasionally he might have preferred me to be up, but he understood that I was doing my best. He’s also now a very capable and independent adult (and we’re very close).

Of course parents should be up to see kids off. I still make daughter (and wife) a cup of tea at 6:30 every morning, make sure she gets some breakfast, make her a packed lunch give her a kiss goodbye and tell her to drive carefully - she's 19. Ok I am soft, she can and does do everything herself when i'm away but I want her to remember the little things that parents do for when she gets to that stage. I could not be in bed when the kids were getting up, completely wrong signal. You are right.

Getting up with your teen and doing everything for them are not the same things - my daughter makes herself breakfast and lunch, sorts her own uniform and is in charge of getting her laundry sorted, remembers her own kit. But I sit down at the table and eat my own breakfast with her, have a chat, compliment her new hairdo she's trying out, say hi to her friend who knocks for her. I'm just present, not interfering!

It's not about babying them, or checking they need help etc. It's about being present, chatting, catching up, them starting their day with some verbal communication before reaching school

I used to have to get myself up and out for school from the age of about 6 whilst my mum stayed in bed. She was very unreasonable, not a problem for older teens or ones who have proven themselves capable I don't think.

Two separate issues:

High school age children should be developing independence, so steadily diminishing support from age 11-16 - although it's nice for the parent to get up and give company, by 11, an NT child with no SEN should be capable of taking responsibility for dealing with everything they need for their day, (whether they are required to or not is a different question) and only rely on the parent for any unusual problems.

Should the parent habitually be sleeping in because they stayed up too late, and hence are demonstrating less self-discipline and responsibility than is expected of the child - No, that's a terrible example to be setting in the absence of shift work or illness.

It all depends on the context but if we're not talking about parents getting up and leaving the house early for work or working shifts, I would say it's nicer if the parent is up.

I think I'd feel that my parents didn't care if they just decided to sleep in even though I wouldn't want a parent fussing over me at 15.

Also, as I work p/t from home and my husband always leaves quite early and works very hard and full time. I'd feel a bit lazy and disrespectful if I was having a lie in in the weekday.

So I'm up before my 15/17 year olds. They get themselves up and ready, although I do tend to put out the cereal boxes etc for them and if I don't take them to school, I like to see them off.

Weekends on the other hand I'd not hesitate getting up later than my kids (though this never happens now they're teens ha ha)!

You enjoy those mornings together so you do it. He obviously doesn't so doesn't bother. If he's generally a good parent and spends time with her outside the morning I think it's fine. She doesn't need a tea made for her, she doesn't need to be waved off. Sometimes it's ok if parents put themselves first.

Once we were at high school my mum never got up for us. We'd occasionally ask for her to do our hair and end up with a very snarky mum pulling our hair a little too roughly! My mums great apart from that, honest guv.

But I didn’t want to be that kind of mum so I always get up. He's 16 and I make his breakfast and packed lunch. He can and will make his own if he has to but I like doing it - I see it as a perk of having a SAHM. Seeing yourself out just seems a bit sad and lonely. I know I’m projecting my own feelings and most teens are fine seeing themselves out the door!

My DH stands at the front door every day and waves our DS off. Last wave as DS turn the corner. It’s so cute.