to think that in a functional household....

Are you 15 and off to school though?

How your ex parents and how you parent doesn't have to be the same, and all households "function" differently.

I find the assumption that household members getting up at different times to others are "lying in" or being "lazy" quite ridiculous- different people work different hours and have different lifestyles so I don't see why they would all get up at the same time. Would people have the same judgement if the parent started work at 8am and had left the house before DC got up?

A 15 yo is perfectly capable of getting up, washed, dressed and into school without adult input.

Some people may enjoy quality time in the mornings, in our house, there are no morning people, and it's a simple case of getting DD4 ready to leave the house as quickly and as with as little fuss as possible. We enjoy quality time in the evenings when she gets home.

I love slowly getting myself ready & hearing dh bustling around in the kitchen chatting to the cat, the sounds of the coffee grinder/ machine etc. It's very homely & comforting. And I imagine if I feel like that in my 50s it might be a similar feeling for dc

That’s you though, not everyone. To me it sounds nightmarish. I like to lay in bed asleep until the last possible second and then do a quick bolt to get ready (I’d rival Usain Bolt actually for my speed in the morning🤣). I don’t want that disturbed by people cluttering up my way or trying to have a conversation with me as that will take precious minutes from my feet hitting the floor to the door knob on the way out with coffee keep cup in hand. I don’t have breakfast but eat later mid morning after my body has accepted the horror of being dragged up out of bed for the day. Was the same as a teenager, if mum/dad had of wanted to chat or try and put toast in front of me I would have wanted to scream - I think I got that across pretty clearly😆.

Not everyone eats breakfast. My teen just gets up, has a quick drink, gets ready and leaves. No interest in talking to/interacting as she’s not a morning person. She’s ready and out of the door in 20 mins. It makes no difference if other people are there or not for her, although perhaps more likely to start the days off with a row of anyone is getting in her way of trying to get ready quickly and out in order to spend the maximum amount of time in bed. Not all teens are the same.

At 15 absolutely unnecessary.

i will offer that on the perspective that this is something i only do with DD and in the last school year, and it's intentional to teach her independence.

I have an older teen who is asd/adhd and needed micromanagement in the morning, so i had to be awake really early to be able to get myself up to get him up and out, as he needed to be constantly chivvied to get him ready, so by default, i also did it all for DD.

Much of our household routine is micromanaged because of his needs, so i've had to make an intentional step back from DD to give her the chance to learn how to do things without me doing it for her.

As it is, the minute i come back from school run, i'm back into doing what i need to do with him before his Transport for College comes to pick him up at 10:30.

So no, i'm not lazy or uncaring, i treat my children according to their individual needs, and DD does not need me hovering in the morning, as she told me, she needs to be left alone 'to vibe'

Actually yes.

Again.. caveat that i'm disabled. So i kind of sit on that fence of i'm not 'up' but i'm also not asleep while DD is getting herself up/fed/dressed.

I'm awake, my bedroom door is open, she knows she can come into me should she need anything at any time, but that first 45 minutes shes getting breakfast/washed i'm still in bed, taking my time to get myself up safely.

I'm fully 'present' for about 15 mins before we leave.

Look, your routine sounds lovely and it's nice that you all enjoy bustling around together in the morning.
Not every household is like that though. I get on very well with my teen DD but my goodness she doesn't want me getting in her way before school! Take this morning, for example - she slept through her alarm so I woke her up, which hugely irritated her. Then I went in to the kitchen to get a drink while she had breakfast. She scowled at me and asked me to leave!
Neither of us are morning people so it suits us better to stay out of each other's way. I'm always there for her after school though.
All families are different. Your family has a nice routine and other families do things differently. Neither is right nor wrong.

I think it's a bit sad to not get up & see your children in the mornings barring illness/ shift work/ early work pattern etc

Again with the judgement - it's just so unnecessary.

Someone upthread said they liked to be asleep by 10.30 - are you all judging her for going to bed before her teens and if not, why not?

Do people judge the other way though ?
I am quite happy to get up early so it's no problem for me, but I absolutely can't stay up late if DS is out, because I need my sleep.
Some people judge me for being able to sleep when DS isn't home, so I am wary of passing too much judgment in the other direction.

'a bit sad' really? not everyone has the time or want to do that, many teens are moody and silent of a morning. One of mine Id rather avoid until midday!

I think it's a bit sad to not get up & see your children in the mornings barring illness/ shift work/ early work pattern etc

Our dc is late teens now & we still do. We're up for work ourselves anyway mostly & they need a lift to the train station either way.

But I do feel it's a bit off to just have a lie in while they're getting themselves sorted. And I would not be happy not to see them at all till night time when we're all back in the house.

Over the years as dc got older we've fallen into a lovely routine where dh makes tea / coffee & cereal ot or toast fit the 3 of us while dc & I get ourselves ready.

When they were younger it was me making sure they were dressed etc

I love slowly getting myself ready & hearing dh bustling around in the kitchen chatting to the cat, the sounds of the coffee grinder/ machine etc. It's very homely & comforting. And I imagine if I feel like that in my 50s it might be a similar feeling for dc.

And as I do 99% of all the other cooking (better cook so my choice) I love that it's become dh's thing to make breakfast - he's a natural early riser

I think it does them good to get themselves up and ready without input at least sometimes.
So if that happens once a week I think that is a positive rather than a negative. If it's every day then some children might not like being left to their own devices.

I'm a shift worker (so not really relevant to what you are saying) but it used to annoy my older son when I was around in the morning as he had his own routine down to the exact minute and having someone else under his feet didn't help him. My other son likes to be left alone in the morning as well. We are a very close family but they don't want to chat in the mornings.
So every family is different. It's probably a good mix for your child if you are around if she is with you and your ex isn't when she is with him.

3 days a week me and DP are out of the house before 7. So both 12 and 10 yo DS get up, dressed and breakfasted themselves before my mum comes to pick them up to take them to school.

They should really be able to get themselves ready in a morning.

My 6 & 9 year olds get themselves dressed and fed but I’m still up with them because I want to see them and basically I just love them. I’m sure it will be the same when they’re teenagers, although they might not want me so much 😄 but I don’t think the OP is about actually physically getting them ready, is it?? 🤷🏻‍♀️ more being present and helping out if needed items are missing. IE being supportive.
I was ALWAYS running around the house trying to find bits of school uniform about 5 mins before I had to leave to catch the bus. Not very functional 😄

My mother got up and said good bye to me every morning before I went to school. She was very much physically present.

If I'd had an issue she would have told me to stop complaining and to sort it out for myself. I quickly learnt to plaster a smile on my face and tell her everything was "fine".

I'm out at work before my DC get up. I'm often in bed before they go to sleep. However they know they can message me any time and wake me up if they need me (and they have done this on occasion).

Physically present does not make you a good parent and being physically absent does not mean you are not.

My mum was up but dealing with my younger siblings so by the age of 13 I sorted myself out in the morning and didn't need someone checking over me.

@Sheerdetermination the point is that being "present" at a specific time of the day doesn't automatically make you a good parent, just like being in bed when your child leaves for school doesn't automatically make you a bad one.

There is so much unpleasant, nasty judgement on this thread from posters who seem to think that the way they parent is the only "right" way to do things.

I would have thought teachers of all people would have the decency to realise all families are different and work in different ways.

Clearly not 🙄

From an alternative angle. - if I wasn't home from work by about 4pm, before my teenage DS came in, the evening might end pear shaped.
He needed emotional support and to talk his day through just after he arrived home.

Exactly this.

At 15 she is more than capable of organising her own stuff and sorting herself out so not really any need to be up if she can get herself out of bed on time.

Occasionally my days off fall on week days, if I’ve worked a full 5-7 day stint (manual job) you can be sure I want a bloody lie in on my day(s) off if I’ve nowhere to be! I do set my alarm for the time my son needs to be up just to give him a shout to ensure he gets up as he's not a good riser, I usually wake up needing to pee by then anyway and I will pop down to go let the dog out for a quick pee before getting back into bed but my son certainly doesn’t need me hovering over him, he’s quite capable of sorting himself and getting off on time and will shout ‘bye’ as he leaves. I’m half awake but not up as such and will go back to sleep for a bit once he leaves. If I’m working then I’m up before him and shout him out of bed but by the time he's dragging himself up and to the shower its almost time for me to leave so I’ll make him a brew for when he gets out then get on my way so he has to sort himself and get out on time then too so I don’t really see a huge difference or the ‘need’ to get out of bed on my days off.

My own mum used to leave the house early for work, she’d make me a brew and make sure I was out of bed before she left but getting ready and making sure I had my things and getting out on time were my own responsibility from around age 10.

I’m sure there are a lot of perfectly functional families (especially single parent ones) that are in the same boat. It seems to me that perhaps the reason you are annoyed is not so much the not being up itself but the reason behind why he doesn’t get up that you don’t approve of. If he works from home doing hours that facilitate being able to have a bit of a lie in why not, shes not a baby and it’ll help build her independence.

So when I’m at work I’m up and wake my teen and tween before I leave and make sure they’re physically out of bed. They sort themselves out from there and get to school on time. In my non working days my tween actually gets up and in the shower before me. I then get up and wake my teen. I head down for breakfast whilst the tween is getting ready. I get showered and hear the tween leave for school shouting goodbye. Once I’m dressed and ready the teen needs cajoling a bit to get out on time. She manages it the days I’m gone to work but struggles when I’m in. If I stayed in bed or went back to bed after waking her she wouldn’t get to school. She has to be woken. Her Alexa blares out music that I can hear in my room but when I go to wake her she’s still flat out deeply asleep. I have to shake her cover off her bed.

So it depends on the child. The staying up late gaming meaning the parent is too tired to support the kids on a morning is a completely different matter. My ex used to do this. But before we had kids. Once we had kids he was too knackered to stay up and game when they were young. Now they’re teen and tween and I’m single he probably does this as he never has to deal with school mornings ever.

We used to both often leave for work before my son got up when he was that age. He was fine sorting himself out, and preferred to it have to be sociable first thing!

Lazy selfish behaviour, to not even be bothered rolling out of bed to say goodbye to your kids in the morning is pathetic. I'd definitely judge parents who behave like that, Ask your kids all you like what they think of it, but they don't any better thanks to you. I just hope he's not settling the standards for what she will put up with in a future partner.

I’m a teacher. I think it’s really sad that, for some kids, I’m the only person that has said good morning and checked they’re ok. Unless you’re doing shift work or working unsociable hours, I will and do judge you.