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AIBU?

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Original poster

I’m basically being mean to an old man

37 replies

Poiboi · 09/07/2024 01:18

My relationship with my dad is complex. I have never met a man with a shorter fuse. Growing up this was hell. The stress of my dad running his own business during childhood meant the stress levels in our house were often unpleasant to experience. This resulted in him hitting his kids - beyond what is acceptable. My dad also hit my mum twice that I am aware of. On more than one occasion I had to lie about bruises - even remember being told by my mum when I was very young to lie about a mark as I would be taken away.

Im conflicted because a lot of the stress was due to school fees. Clearly my dad wanted the best for me. Still no excuse to be abusive.

Equally when my dad was not stressed he was nice to be around. And worked hard to send us on day trips, buy toys etc.

Anyway, he has now mellowed considerably now that raising children and running businesses are far behind him. He is very gentle with my kids and lets them get away with murder. He is more relaxed but still capable of an outburst here and there. Just less intense.

The horrible bit. Every now and then my dad will stay with us for a few days. He will do something careless despite knowing better. And I will be unnecessarily harsh. Sometimes I know I am crossing the line but I’m almost wanting to punish him for being so monstrous to me as a child. I literally think “yeah not so nice getting a taste of your own medicine”. I feel like a psychopath. I’m not.

Please don’t suggest going nc. I love him and need to ensure his needs are met.

Just needed to confess anonymously.

OP posts:
Genevieva · 09/07/2024 05:25

It sounds like every time you do this to your Dad you are not only venting your hurt and punishing him, you are also punishing yourself. You definitely need counselling for your own sake. Coming to terms with the past and even finding a way to accept your father's flaws as well as your own would bring you some inner peace that is clearly lacking at present.

HolyMolyMan · 09/07/2024 05:00

Counselling and an honest conversation with him.

Healthyalltheway · 09/07/2024 04:22

I am so sorry for what has happened in your past. You need counselling to be able to deal with him in a way that doesn't see you lash out. Your children will see how you treat him and this will have an effect on them.

take care

dollopz · 09/07/2024 03:41

I think you need an honest conversation with him and tell him how upset and impacted you were in regards to his previous behaviour. Also how much you appreciate his retired behaviour but your mind still dwells on his old behaviour. So acknowledgment of the way things were and what he did, how you felt and then forgive him. Forgiving him doesn’t mean forgetting but it will help you move forward. Talking therapies might also help with this.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2024 02:18

I'm very sad for you. You have so much pain bottled up from the abuse you suffered as a child and no one helped you. It's no wonder at all you lash out at your father now, and no one can blame you for it. The burden of emotional pain you carry must be very, very heavy.

Ginkypig · 09/07/2024 02:04

It’s a common reaction to childhood trauma like yours and I’d try to not judge yourself too harshly.

maybe though it would be helpful to reframe things. Even though you know things have changed a part of you still sees him as the big scary aggressive man and you as the small defenceless child who he terrorised.

you are in danger of falling into the trap that as he ages what actually happens is your roles begin to reverse where you are the powerful (scary) adult and he is now in the vulnerable position. Where you are committing the trauma. You are doing this because being around him triggers something deep inside combined with your tolerance for him being low (due to your past with him)

(From experience) remembering how scary it was and how much impact his treatment of you has had I know you would never want to be the reason another human feels those things and he will because he is becoming the weaker of you both.

for whatever it’s worth I’m saying this for you what he did to you is unforgivable but don’t allow yourself to one day have to live with the guilt. The idea you might feel one day you became him will be a complete mindfuck!

I am definitely NOT saying though that you should just put up with all behaviour or that you shouldn’t enforce your boundaries but I think you might be worried it’s more than that.

Fecked · 09/07/2024 02:01

Tell him how you feel about his abuse. You’re in the right and he’s in the wrong. What a nasty man. Age has nothing to do with it. No free pass for abuse bc of age.

Original poster
Poiboi · 09/07/2024 01:55

orangalang · 09/07/2024 01:51

What's he doing that you think is careless? X

One recent example. He knows we are no shod house. He didn’t take off his shoes and tracked mud all over the place.

My cat is an indoor cat and he left the door open

OP posts:
orangalang · 09/07/2024 01:51

What's he doing that you think is careless? X

Bluebirdover · 09/07/2024 01:47

You are justifiably angry, I agree to get some counselling. You need to learn how to deal with this, it's eating you up.

AliceOlive · 09/07/2024 01:26

I think it’s common. It’s probably not good for you though.

sprigatito · 09/07/2024 01:26

You need counselling - even if you've already had lots of it - to give you somewhere neutral to download all this anger (which is entirely justified and appropriate). I say this not for his sake but for yours, because not being able to control how and when you release the anger is making you miserable.

Also you need a few go-to strategies for when he does push your buttons. Grey rock technique, going to a different room, making a drink while counting to 20, whatever works for you. And keep the visits short. Guests are like fish, they go off after three days.