Being so tight with money?

"I'm worried about what would happen if I ever couldn't work or lost my job, I think he would keep a running tab of what I owed him. He nearly got made redundant a year ago and there was no question that I would cover the bills etc if I had to."

He has savings because he is using you to minimise his everyday spending. If he is not prepared to share with you if needed, this is not much of a partnership. Is it really worth continuing to put up with this?

You also sound like the type of person who wants to treat their partner. It's not like you're looking for a one way relationship.
Well done on making the decision to end the relationship and I agree that not telling him that it's because he's stingy. He'd only twist it that he was right and you're on the make.

You are correct
Don’t tell the fucker. Let him stew and wonder why you left him.

But if you're paying for a meal for family/friends out of your own finances (when he refuses to joint) then what the fuck has it got to do with him?

How on earth do you keep quiet about it? I'd tear mine a new arsehole if he tried to lecture me on what and who I spend my money on, that is exactly why we have separate finances for ourselves and joint finances for the household.

You'll never be happy and 'free' with him.

Wow! I can't imagine living with someone like that. I know nowadays a lot of people keep finances separate but surely they don't sweat the small stuff! He sounds a bit like my ds (21) but he's autistic and he is trying to be less nit picking.

No I know. I wasn’t suggesting OP should do what I would do. She’s already said she has no intention of explaining his issue and the reason for her wanting to break up. I suppose I was just ruminating on what I myself would do in her position. OP and I have a different approach. And either are fine. She doesn’t owe him anything. I’d want to say my piece, but that’s just me!

OP, I agree with your plan not to tell him why. He simply won't hear it if you give him the real reason, and it will give him the opportunity to claim he was right all along to protect himself. Sod that.

I'm a bit late to the discussion and I rarely comment, but your story reminded me of my first marriage which ended over thirty years ago and I wanted to offer my sympathy because I know what you're going through.

There were red flags during the whole relationship and I should have run for the hills in the first three months! For example on a very early date, as we queued up for the cinema he asked for the money for my ticket so it could look like he was paying!! But I was young, thought I was in love and naively thought he would change! It got progressively worse over the years and came to a head when we got a married couple's tax rebate that was paid directly to him. He spent it all on silly gadgets even though we desperately needed to pay for repairs on our house.

It took another year for me to get the gumption to leave him and he really couldn't understand why I left! I have since found out that he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and I wonder if your husband is also somewhere on the autism spectrum too. It would explain his lack of empathy and fixation on money.

The hardest thing I ever did was leave that marriage, but it is also one of the best things I ever did for myself. After this disaster, I met and married the most lovely, kind, and generous man and we have been together for over thirty years and have two beautiful (now grown-up) daughters.

When you decide to go, you must take the plunge, say what you want to say, and then leave. Do not allow him to try and gaslight you into staying. Free yourself from this toxic relationship and go and live your best life!

I think this why this thread has struck a cord as we have all been on dates with a man like this or know someone who is married to a a penny pincher and how awful it is. Better to spot those traits right from the fist few dates.

For context I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years

Christ, I’d be dropping them within 4 days! Imagine what he’d be like with kids. He’d probably gift his son or daughter a 500 page excel document on their 18th birthday.

Yeah, this wouldn't work for me, I'd throw this one back in the sea.

However, I do know one couple who are both exactly like this, I knew her first and distanced myself exactly because I can't be doing with it. She is now perfectly happy having found someone who thinks just like her.

Don't be that person.

You just need to now look after yourself and get out the easiest and safest way for you. You don't need to get into the finer details and examples and he will turn that back on you.

He isn't your project to improve- leave that to the next unlucky person if he ever meets anyone else!

I had a date with a chap. He made it very clear we were only having one course. When the bill came he pointed out that my main was 50p more than his so we couldn’t just halve the bill. 50p!!!
Then he had a £2 voucher for the cinema. That was his voucher - not to be shared - and he was the big man buying both tickets at the kiosk - then asking for the money for mine and pointing out it was his voucher.
I’m happy to pay my way but this was ridiculous. It was like he was a kid instead of a grown man.

I couldn't be doing with that level of penny pinching. Very boring and petty. Not sharing major finances like savings with a later life partner if you have accrued considerably more than them is one thing, but splitting the day to day to the penny, and accepting treats without reciprocating wouldn't be for me.

But a very horrible part of me doesn't really want to be the one who makes him self aware so that he can find a happy relationship

haha! I did chuckle at this- I dont blame you!

Besides, if he is so dense he cant work this out for himself then thats on him. Stupid twat.

If will he amazing to meet somebody and you can think I'd like to go Paris and you don't have to worry about if you'd have to pay! Because they'd jump at the opportunity to go with you!

Sweetheart, wake up ! Youre not a ' partner' but a room mate. Its just that youve convinced yourself that youre a ' partner' because youre likely having $€gg$>.....How sad is this. When A Couple' Live Together' it should be because THE WOMAN wants to ( live together and not marry) when its The MAN living with a woman he wont marry then its very bad for the woman, she's short changing herself. WAKE UP!!!! Hes your Room Mate with benefits ( lucky you!!!!)

Whilst I agree you shouldn’t make a big thing of the tight issue, as he’ll spin it in to you being grabby, I definitely think you should mention it in your parting shot, because if he’s like this with you, he’ll be like it with future girlfriends. I want him to realise his tightfistedness is fucking up his life!

Just say…

Look James, I can’t cope with all the control, especially with money. I just want to spend my life with a guy who doesn’t ask for the money back when he’s bought me a bottle of coke…

I disagree. He's never going to own up to his mean-spiritedness. In his head she's the problem. Anyone with a gram of self-awareness or humility couldn't behave this way; the only reason this kind of man can is because they twist things to suit their narrative, even in their own heads.

I can't see any upside to the OP being honest with him. He'll either twist it round to her using DARVO tactics or he'll get angry/nasty. She knows the truth and she doesn't need his validation.

I think it's fine that you split bills etc 50/50 if you both earn similar amounts but a partner who is busily salting away his money in savings while you spend on meals out and holidays is an unattractive prospect long term! And telling you that you owe him £2.50 for food shopping is frankly ridiculous. It's one thing to be careful with money but this kind of miserly lack of generosity is taking it too far. I'd think very carefully about what your future with him is likely to be - what happens if you decide to have children and take a career break or work part time when your children are small? What happens if you get sick or disabled and are unable work? Would you really feel that he has your back? I would be doubting it 😩

Good for you OP that you have had enough, I dont blame you.

Do you have any loose change in coppers?- I'd be putting them in a jar full of 1p and 2p pieces and then giving it to him as I walk out the door to cover any "expenses" that I may have missed whilst we were together.

He sounds like fcking Scrooge.

He'll probably get a visit from some ghosts soon 😂

Good for you OP! Go for it! Good riddance to him. He can sit counting his own pennies for the rest of his life.

Hope you are ok, op.
Reading this thread made me scared for how much worse things could get for you if you stayed and had children with this man. It would put you in a very vulnerable position. Do get out while you can.